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Not sure what to do anymore?

Posted by Not sure what to do anymore on 29 April 2014.

Hey everyone, my boyfriend is a big user of cocaine. He has been using for years and we have been together for 6 months. I have 2 small children from my previous relationship. I live with my boyfriend and I love him dearly. The last month or so he has been trying to pay off his years of debt with a lot of my help. It has now become a problem because he is taking money from my account and making me run up debts. This is without me knowing about it, so stealing. He believes he can stop using and is not addicted and tells me he has cut right down. I cant trust him at all and im constantly checking up on him to his whereabouts. No idea how to handle this as I don't want to loose him, but at the same time I cant financially support his addiction? Any advice welcome x

Comments

Lucy
29 Apr 2014

Ultimately i believe we all make decisions when we are ready and willing and nobody else telling you what they think you should do will change that but my opinion on what little you have said is..get out while it is still early days,while your children are not being raised knowing that their mom has a partner who is on drugs and the effects of that on their mom down the line. He is stealing from u already and u already dont trust him..he is showing little control of his addiction or respect for u already. I hope you can feel stronger with or without your partner in time and i pray u dont live for years oto come in his addiction. X

CANT TAKE NO MORE
30 Apr 2014

I have to agree with Lucy....Kids around a drug user is more harmful for their future....and he is literally  taking the food out of their mouths to feed his drug addiction....You may love him, but [Im sure you love your children more.....Personally I think you are putting your kids at risk.....and it will only worse...Those that use drugs are good at lying, stealing and telling you what you want to hear..I hfate to say this but by the sounds of it he is dragging you down, and at the moment you are letting him....DONT pay his debts......and make sure you have your bankcard on you at all times.......otherwise you will be left with more debt....sending hugs..stay strong!!!!

Kyla
5 Jun 2014

If you havent already Get out now before you are further invested in tgis relationship. I am going thru summit similar after 11yrs of being together a 5yr old and 4mth pregnant. He started off a cannabis user n the coke was recreational but then slowly took over until it became apparent he was a full blown addict which I discovered after I found out I was pregnant... he had to confess coz hed spent all our holiday money on it n told me 2 days before we went. Get out now n find someone who can make you happy. He will more than likely leave when he has debted you to breaking point and you cant help subsidise his addiction. Coke users are also compulsive liars in my experience too. Im beibg brutally honest.

Kyla
5 Jun 2014

If you havent already Get out now before you are further invested in tgis relationship. I am going thru summit similar after 11yrs of being together a 5yr old and 4mth pregnant. He started off a cannabis user n the coke was recreational but then slowly took over until it became apparent he was a full blown addict which I discovered after I found out I was pregnant... he had to confess coz hed spent all our holiday money on it n told me 2 days before we went. Get out now n find someone who can make you happy. He will more than likely leave when he has debted you to breaking point and you cant help subsidise his addiction. Coke users are also compulsive liars in my experience too. Im beibg brutally honest.

Lucy
5 Jun 2014

U prob havent got out of this relationship but u dno how lucky u r to only have been involved inn the shit u r in for this long so from experience walk away..my partner has recently passed away due to his addiction and the pain of seeing someone u hav been with for years try and fight their addiction and then for it to come to this..for him to have been killed from it is the worst pain it has destroyed me and your man aint even treatin u or ur kids right even without the drugs i wouldnt av stood for that put u first coz im tellin u he will only b able to put himself first untill he is clean

Kyla
5 Jun 2014

Lucy. Bless u hun your comment is so sad. I wirry every day my other half will overdose or even possibly top himself which hes threatened to do a couple of timrs because he feeks so worthless and such a failure for wgat hes diun to himswlf and us. Thinkin of u x

Lucy
5 Jun 2014

Their life is hell..they do feel worthless and shame and guilt for the pain they cause their partner etc...@kyla the pain ov seein them relapse and go from lookin good and havin a spark back in their eyes to seein them lookin like they r just existing used to kill me i no he is free now and at peace but im desperate for ten more minutes with him i loved him more than life itself but yano yaself that after so long u gota put u first coz the only person u can change is u

just me
13 Jun 2014

This story is so similar to mine. I had to tell my partner to leave yesterday, I knew he was am addict in the past but found out yesterday it wasn't kept on the past, in fact the using . never stopped. Cocaine has turned him into a different person and there was no way I'm having an addict around my kids so he had to go. I'm In pieces, almost grieving for the man I fell for, grieving for what could have been. I agree with everybody here that you have to get your children away from him. I've done it and I never thought I could but the kids are number one. I still don't under stand addiction, I'm hurt confused and almost ashamed that I'm not good enough to come before a line of white powder. It's great seeing everybody giving support and advice xxx

just me
13 Jun 2014

This story is so similar to mine. I had to tell my partner to leave yesterday, I knew he was am addict in the past but found out yesterday it wasn't kept on the past, in fact the using . never stopped. Cocaine has turned him into a different person and there was no way I'm having an addict around my kids so he had to go. I'm In pieces, almost grieving for the man I fell for, grieving for what could have been. I agree with everybody here that you have to get your children away from him. I've done it and I never thought I could but the kids are number one. I still don't under stand addiction, I'm hurt confused and almost ashamed that I'm not good enough to come before a line of white powder. It's great seeing everybody giving support and advice xxx

Lucy
14 Jun 2014

In the first few years there were crazy arguments i was completely involved in the madness of addiction by taking it personally, trying to help, not understanding the facts behind addiction..but i realised that i could only change myself and that my partner actually may never stop (we had been thru everything together and i had been brought to my knees in despair in the process) and so i loved him i was still there for him but my hope had all but gone that we would have the future i once dreamed ov and i new i wouldnt be able to live this half life forever and so stopped taking it personally i realised he had no choice once a relapse had happened and that it wasnt because he didnt want to be with me or that no amount of driving myself crazy could stop him and so learnt to accept although that took me about 4 years and hurt like hell to see another relapse and i still supported him i just let him come to me etc it is like a living nightmare knowing that he has now passed away bcoz of that drug,,all the years fighting have been for nothing and he has left a hole in our life that will never be filled..he was such a big character full ov life and energy and cant believe he was not able to beat it even if my hope was slowly dying..life is cruel he gave it everything he had to beat it and had so much life to live..bless u all in your loved ones fightx

just me
14 Jun 2014

Your story really has bought me to tears, the past 48 hours have been so painful for me, not knowing where he is how he's feeling whether he's suicidal or not. My son cried for an hour lat night because he misses him. I just don't know what to do, I know he is the only person that can help himself and that is so frustrating. I don't want him to end up dead all alone somewhere at the age of 28. I never imagined things would end up like this. I'm feeling guilt, shame, anger, hate and such a pain in my heart because the man I fell in love with no longer exists.
Finding a rehab centre is impossible, doctors are useless and I don't know where to turn. I do hope Lucy that you live your life to the full in memory of your loved one and I am sending big hugs xxx

Lucy
14 Jun 2014

I no exactly how u feel bcoz it is what i felt..it took over my life at tyms and my kids would see me broken or they would see the fights between us when i had found out he was using again etc i wouldnt wish the pain u r feeling now or i am feeling now when they are no longer here on my worst enemy..i went thru it alone bcoz i wasnt close to my fam so i would rarely talk about wot i was going thru with anybody..we had a million god tyms and he had tyms where he was well and clean and working etc but it was a constant back and forth and on and off wen relapse came around again..he was my best mate and a good person i think amny people think of an addict as a low life as someone that is horrible but myn wasnt..yea he changed wen using again and yea he caused me alot of pain thats wot heroin turns them into but he WAS MY SOUL MATE he didnt treat me bad i wouldnt have allowed it we had a great relationship most of the tym and that was worse bcoz i no how happy we coud have been for life if he could have beaten it..u need to put boundaries down bcoz they will take advantage even if they dont want to bcoz drugs are the most important thing to them and so if u let them take they will bcoz they need too...let him no u r there for him and that u love him but that he has to seek help etc if they always have a crutch if they never feel they have lost it all why have they any reason to stop...saying that tho sometyms it can take many rock bottoms before they can do it x

just me
14 Jun 2014

I've told him I will always love him and that he must get the right help, demand it if he must. And I totally agree, he is the most amazing man I've met he tret me and my children like gold he was such a loving person, until the cocaine come down turned him into a person I didn't recognise.  I've told him I'll always wait for him to beat this and when he does I'll be here. But until then there is no chance for us. 
It's a comfort knowing somebody else understands my pain, I can't understand his addiction and I hope and pray that one day he will be free of cocaines grasp. Xxxx

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