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Please help, Partner with Weed Addiction

Posted by VJJ24 on 28 April 2015.

I meet this incredible guy 5 years ago, we instantly clicked. I knew from the beginning that he smoked weed. I guess I was naïve to his habit as I looked at it as smoking cigarettes. We moved in very quickly & had a very good relationship for 2 years. Although we rarely went out & if we did it would be with his friends. I just thought it was him and the way he was- he didn't like to socialise much, he would rather stay in with me. 

He decided to give up work, take a year's break to decide what to do with his live. I supported his decision, I thought it was the right thing to do. I wouldn't want anyone stuck in a career they hated. What I didn't realise is by him doing this it would mean I would end up paying for us to live. Yet he always had money for weed. 

We ended up arguing a lot. His friends aren't exactly the nicest people. They would come to me and say things like 'V you need to get him off weed, he smokes far too much. We want him back to the old guy we use to know'' and then sit there and smoke weed with him. 

We ended up breaking up. I moved out. He got with someone else for a month but it didn't work out. I moved on with someone too - it last a year. Then we got back in contact and tried again. We weren't living together this time, everything was going fine. Until one evening I went out (the first time in 8 months) It was a friends living doo, he was invited but declined. I went had a really good night, my friends meet some lads & they hung out with us all night, there was group photos taken and put on FB. There was nothing in these photo's I wasn't even next to the lads. Yet I got a call the next day to say he was upset and that his friends had called him to ask about the photos and if I would cheat?! I wouldn't, I love this man to death. I said his being silly and that I wouldn't do that- that he knew me. I asked who had called him as I found it odd, but he wouldn't say. 
This got into his head- caused us to argue. 

He was smoking more and more by this time - literally he would get up in the morning smoke, go to work - not smoke on the job, come home at 2pm and continue smoking. When I came over to his he would just play video games and I would sit in the corner, Id go to bed alone. He then got angry if I ever said anything like 'could we spend a night together alone'. His friends always came first. We would plan things and his friends would suddenly turn up at the door and then plans would be cancelled. 

I ended up saying to him- Things need to change. its me or the weed. He decided to ignore me for weeks and then we broke up. He said he wasn't choosing weed but couldn't continue. 

5 months went past. I decided that as he knew he didn't want to be with me and I knew he couldn't give up his addiction we could just be friends- he kept telling me the situation between us is still raw! I was confused for this as it had been 5 months and he knew he didn't want to be with me. Then out of the blue I got a text to say he could be friends. I was so happy, I sent him a message back to say great lets do this. I got sucked back in... We ended up dating as he said he felt like letting me go was wrong & he would regret it for the rest of his life. He said he couldn't see me with another guy it would hurt him too much..... it lasted three weeks. 

We decided to keep the outsiders (friends etc out). I thought I would try to make things right with his best friend - I brought an arsenal signed t-shirt and told him we could give it to him with an apology for anything he felt I may have done wrong- kind of wipe the slate clean. He went crazy at me, told me I'm rushing things, that there was nothing to be put right. 

I said that if we want to try again we would have to take small steps to put right things with his friends so we can move forward and I will do what ever it takes. He went weird, quiet. I felt like his heart wasn't in it. I said can he see himself with me - he said he thought he could. He said he loved me but we have too many issues to overcome.

I have tried everything, suggested steps to take to resolve issues with his friends. Its very confusing he tells me they will love anyone he loves one minute and then the next says we have too many issues with them?! I've asked on a number occasions what has been said but he will not tell me. I don't know if he is paranoid, if anything was said or if they have said things but cannot over come them. 

I ended up saying he needed to come to a decision and stick with it. I asked for him to call me the next day but never heard anything- 4 days later I called him. He said it wasn't the right time to discuss it but I managed to get an answer, he said he cannot get past the negative thoughts in his mind. He thought he could push them away but couldn't. He said he loves me but that we should be friends because we argue too much?! 

I said ok. I couldn't keep going round in circles with him. His so up and down. one minute telling me he loves me, I'm the one & then the next we have too many issues. I love him to pieces. I don't know what to do next? is there hope, is it the weed? I don't understand when he says negative thoughts? is he making things up with the issues? I've read loads online about weed addictions and they say it does mess with peoples thoughts?!

Comments

Icarus Trust
11 May 2015

Hi,
I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time and it sounds like it might help if you talked to someone who would understand what you are going through. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust which supports people who have been affected by another's addiction. If you contacted us we could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called 'Family friends'. You would be able to talk with them and they would help you to find a way forward and tell you what other help is out there. This is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Good luck! I hope that you can find some help for yourself.

Harshtruth
29 Aug 2015

Why would you let your life revolve around his yes and no's? Think about it. He's deciding the way forward. The only way forward for you is to make one decision and stick to it. Unless you distance yourself from him, you won't know the clarity of the situation.
You'll love again, and this time get it back, in its entirety. Don't let your heart break again and again by being with this person.

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