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Reflecting on Paul’s life

Posted by lynn on 16 August 2010.

Paul fought drug abuse for 17 years. Paul didn’t want to be on drugs and sought help never but never really found it. Paul was tormented by drugs and over the years they sapped his body of all goodness, health, energy and emotions. Finally numbing his soul. Feelings of love and happiness were hard to find. 

I found this note in Paul’s papers on stress and anxiety after his death. Paul was on subutex. He had been to hell and back and his thoughts of suicide were also written down. “Why won’t they stop calling me Bushy? My name is Paul. I’m not Bushy the addict….”

He wrote, “I’m not well. Coming off subutex 2 ml every 2 weeks, stopped at 2ml from 14ml. Not been sleeping, getting paranoid about the way I look. It was my goal to get off medication, do a College course and get on naltraxone. Trying to avoid everything. Wish I was dead. Need to go on naltraxone so I can have a life. Need to sort out medical.”

“Since coming off subutex I’ve been to hell and back. Shaking and not sleeping, totally rattling and wish I was dead. I’m sure God keeps me clean. It’s almost as if when I using I possessed by the Devil. I truly believe this life is hell and drugs are the devil. That’s how the devil gets you.”

“He makes you feel good, he promises you all the wonderfulness and beautifulness you’ve always wanted. He tempts you with an apple so red and juicy you can’t help but take a bite. Well, I took the bait. It was all the glorious things I had been promised but after a little while I would get sick and have to have more and more.“

“Before I knew what was happening I had sold my soul to the devil. But you better believe me I’m gonna buy it back. Maybe God can steal it back for me, I’ll just see if I can work out a deal with him.”

“I love my family from the bottom of my heart. It’s not nice being called a junkie. It feels horrible, you feel so small. Well I feel small. You made me feel like I’m worth nothing, just a dirty junkie sticking needles in my arms.”

“You’re out of my life now, don’t need you no more. Yeah, you’ve messed up nearly ten and a half years of my life but I’ve still got my whole life ahead of me and I’m going to prove to everyone that I can stay away from you. Going to college, getting a job.”

“Then get on with my life and get my family’s trust back. Stop you. That’s the only reason I was doing all that ‘cause of your dirty addiction. You make me sick to be honest with you. I did love the buzz of you but you’re not worth it. But not any more. I’ll make sure you stay away from me, and I’ll stay away from you.”

“I was brought up by a good family not a bad one. Yeah, I’ve had a lot of problems in my life, been quite bad actually, all because of you! You’re a killer. You’ve killed a lot of people and really they are good people. I’m lucky that you haven’t put me in a box in a cemetery.”

“Lost loads of my mates and it hurts me, they sometimes blank me ‘cause they know I’ve been on you. It’s not nice when I’ve got pin holes in my arms and marks, track marks. The illness that I go through when I use you and the after effects, cold turkey, clucking, withdrawals. It’s the worst feeling that you’ve put me through, being bad off you.”

“Wanted to kill myself a few times ‘cause I couldn’t go through it. Well guess what heroin? I can and did do it. I can beat you any time. I can control you, you don’t control me. I’ve got enough will power to get you out of my life for good. I’m strong and much stronger than you can ever be. I’m not losing anything over you.”

“Goodbye heroin. Never again. Family come first.”

“Meant to been on sick but I’m on J.S.A. Got an appeal going since April. “

“All benefits stopped. No money since 5th March No means of support”

“I’ve been on and off medication. I came off 2ml of subutex three weeks ago and still not well. The biggest parts of stress is the Jobcentre ‘cos I’m meant to been on Incapacity Benefit but they don’t understand I’ve came of 14ml subutex.”

In October 2009 Paul relapsed and went back to heroin. In November Paul left Berwick and to stay with his granddad to get clean.

“I’m on 20mg fluoxetine and 45mg mirtazepine. Doctor stopped all medication.“

In December Paul came back home and overdosed on heroin. Was he was crying out for help? On February 21st Paul overdosed again. 

Paul did ask Jesus into his life. Paul wanted to know Christ. He listened to Christian CDs and he talked to Christians at length. He had even thought about going to a Christian rehabilitation centre.

“Refuge and strength to get free of drugs.”

On 30th January 2009 he went to the C.M.T for help. He referred himself. And he was still waiting for help the day he died. Paul was buying subutex himself to detox and to get clean. Paul struggled with everyday life. If he got the support he still would be here but on 09/05/09 he lost his life to heroin. 

Paul didn’t like what he had become. He didn’t like what he was doing. He wanted to be free from the torment and torture of drugs. When no one else could help, Jesus came and gave Paul the help that he needed. Now Paul is safe and free. But most of all he is at peace. 

Paul Shaun Bell, 7th May 1975 to 9th May 2009

Excerpts from Paul’s diary in italics 

my web site is       http://lynnbell50.webs.com/

Comments

Jayne
2 Oct 2010

I really do feel for you. I have a family member who is going down hill rapidly. I thought that we had beaten his addiction when he remained clean for a while after coming very close to death, but unfortunately he has returned to his old ways.
Rest in peace Paul x

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