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Relapse

Posted by Leigh on 19 June 2017.

I don't even know where to begin, my partner is a drug addict primarily cocaine but alcohol or any other drug also becomes a problem. We've already been through so much together. He went to prison for 3 1/2 years a year into our relationship and was clean for a while at the end of he's sentence. Upon release he relapses over and over and a lot of the time somehow blames me for not making our home a nice place to be or moaning to much, I've tried not to be this way. He recently started meetings and got a sponsor and things were going well but he's family contact him constantly about going round as they use as well but they don't see it as a problem and he'll be fine if he just has a few!. I've tried to keep him away from them but how can I when they are he's family. For a while I even convinced myself that he is right and why should I be so bothered by him using, he deserves a release but deep down I knew it's not right. I have kicked him out many times when he's relapsed not that he comes home and I'm always telling myself it's the last time but how can I just walk away from him I love him so much and when he's winning and fighting he's demons everything can be so good. I can't let go of all the pain he's already caused me but I know I need to learn to and I'm searching for the right way to support him or to walk away I need help xx

Comments

fbc83
26 Jun 2017

Hi leigh, 
Im in a similar situation, my partner is a functioning heroin addict. Any drugs offered he'll take, his sister & brother are also addicts. He doesnt stay away from other druggies either. Im not a user and ive got to the point where i cant stand him. I have finally realised no matter how much i try to help or think he'll actually change deep down i know hes not ready to change & half the time i think he says things just to shut me up. Ive been with him 19yrs 12 of them hes been an addict. Im looking into having a life without him, I don't think its going to be easy but anything is going to better my situation. There might be a support group for you in your area, they do help to some extent. Good luck!

Leigh
27 Jun 2017

At the moment we seem to be doing ok, I attended one of my partners meetings with him to give myself a better understanding. Listening to people's stories similar to ours and hearing that they have been clean for years has given me hope. He seems to have taken it upon himself to distance himself from he's family and this has helped tremendously. He's concentrating on meetings and is now in regular contact with he's sponsor. I'm under no illusions that this will never happen to us again and I don't even know how I'll react if it does I've just got to have hope, we have two children and he never uses around them and he's a amazing father but I can't live on eggshells for the rest of my life not being able to say what I really feel in case it causes him to relapse again but I need to know I've tried absolutely everything I can. If you don't mind me asking does your partner often attend meetings and get clean then relapse? It seemed impossible for him to separate from family but like I said it seems he is trying and I guess as long as they want it enough and take the right steps it can be done. I've spoken to people now that have been clean for years and had to leave people behind xx

fbc83
27 Jun 2017

I used to go to his one to one appointments but after a few relapses i said its best he goes on his own because i felt with me being there he was just saying things he thought i wanted to hear. 
I also had one to one sessions with a  counsellor there that helped abit but the funding stopped. 
He does have clean periods he is more of a dabbler than a flat out junkie, hes also on methadone so he doesn't get ill. He works & provides & is a good person/dad. Its the lies, deceit & untrustworthiness thats ruined our relationship. Hes excuse everytime is hes a good person but has a problem!

Leigh
27 Jun 2017

That seems like the same situation as us as well my partner just dabbles. I'm really holding out for something to change but I know I can't go on for much longer the way it is. We've only been together for 6 years but it feels so much longer already :( it's so hard to understand it and sometimes impossible to walk away but how much more can you give to them without loosing yourself x

fbc83
27 Jun 2017

Same, im still holding out. Over the years i think maybe this year & another year goes past. I only think theres a handful of addicts that conquer addiction. Addiction dont just damage the addict its damaging for everyone around them. 
I dont want sound all doom & gloom but ive changed loads & im not the bubbly person i used to be because im emotionally drained, i just put on a brave face for our kids & my family that dont know that hes a druggy x

Leigh
27 Jun 2017

I absolutely agree the affect on the family is terrible, I keep a brave face for my children and make things up to cover up why he isn't here when they wake up again. I don't want to be negative because he is really trying at the moment but I don't know how many more relapses I can take. Somethimes I want to play him at he's own game show him how it feels to be left wondering where he is but it's just not me. When he tells he's "friend" and sisters that I'm stopping him doing these things and then tells me he doesn't want to do it anymore I get so confused as to which is the truth. I have given him the option many of times to leave and live that life if that's what he wants but it won't be with me and he always comes back saying sorry promising things will be better and they are but only for a while. I know I have to eventually draw a line if it keeps happening but I have no idea how. I'm completely and utterly in love and adore the person he is when he's straight but I loathe who he is when using. He's had a lot of people give up on him or be bad influences and I don't want to be another who gave up but at what personal expense xx

Icarus Trust
7 Aug 2017

Hi Leigh,
Thanks for posting your story and am sorry that life is not easy for you. I really hope that your partner's meetings continue to help him. If you would like someone to talk to for yourself please contact The Icarus Trust where you could be put in touch with one of our experienced trained volunteers. We are a charity that provides support for people like yourself who are having to cope with a loved one's addiction. Talking might help you find the way forward.  
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
All the best.

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