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Same old same old

Posted by Desperate Mum on 19 August 2016.

My son has had alcohol/drug addiction for what seems like forever. He is waiting to go inti a 3 month rehab but  i am worried that he will ruin his chances before he ever gets there. He goes 1 step forward and 3 back! I have tried so hard to support him but he just goes from bad to worse and i really feel i hate him sometimes for the way he uses people and cares about no one but himself. He has just been awarded pip and is using it to fund yet more drink & drugs. It is SO wrong when people with life threatening illnesses are being refused treatments because of lack of money to fund them. I alternate between wanting to help him and wanting to walk away and never look back....but he is 37 years old and has cirhosis of the liver and hep c and who else will care about him if i dont? Any advise on how to cope with all this? He winds me up so much and no matter how much I try and be the better person, I always end up losing my rag with him. He lives alone and has lost so many properties in the past because of his addictions. He was ill and literally  living on the streets last Christmas and doesnt seem to care that he is in danger of losing yet another flat - he says it is MY duty to look after him as I gave birth to him. Grrrrrrrrr....

Comments

Icarus Trust
20 Sep 2016

This must be so hard for you to deal with. If it would help you to talk with people that understand what you are going through please get in touch with The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts. We could put you in touch with one of our experienced volunteers which might help you to cope with things.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps.

Leon
6 Nov 2016

This sounda so familiar. I have done everything i can think of other than walk away. I realise now that ive been enabling for years but what can you do when you are literaly the only person they've got. My son has PTSD and i know he struggles but he is making it worse and getting into debt. Im tired of saving him and giving my money away. I have a decent job but im living like a pauper. Its getting me down that much i just want to leave and start a new life. I love my son dearly but i cant take much more.

Desperate Mum
6 Nov 2016

Hi Leon. Like you, I am forever bailing my son out of debt and he never seems to learn. Last week on my way home from work, he rang me asking for money because he was desperate for drink/drugs and wanted me to lend him some ( not that he ever pays it back). I decided that I had to make a stand....like you I work hard -while he has lived on benefits for the last 20 years- but when I refused him the money, he threatened to hang himself. As he has actually tried this before i was heartbroken and the 40 mile journey home was horrendous. I was torn between transferring the money to his account and ignoring his threat. Whichever way I chose, I was putting another nail in his coffin! Anyway I stood my ground and he rung again...and again...and again...and couldnt understand why I was so upset. In the end i refused to answer the phone and prayed that he would get through the day somehow. He text later and said sorry so i gather he had got his fix from someone else. We arent helping our children by giving into them all the time and maybe we should both try the 'tough love' approach. I blame myself for everything bad that has happened to him in the past but he is a grown man now and is capable of making his own choices....and paying the concequences of his own actions. I feel just like you and want to run away from it all but when you are all they have, it isnt an easy thing to do. I am frustrated because I was just getting all his debts under control and npw hes back to square one again....but I know now that I cant afford to keep doing this. Lets both take a step back and put the onus back where it belongs - with them!! As long as we continue to bail them out, they will continue to let us. Lets start as we mean to go on with a big fat 'NO MORE!!' Good luck :-)

Elli
19 Nov 2016

Hi, from one desperate Mum to another.  My daughter is 31.  Is an alcoholic.  Seems determined to ruin her life.  They drag us down with them.  After years of emotional blackmail I have realised that it is really time that I start to take care or myself.  We are not in control of anyones life apart from our own.  Addiction is such a cruel thing for a mother to witness.  My heart goes out to you.

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