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Shatter illusion

Posted by #confused on 28 April 2016.

Once apon a tyme, many years ago, i was a girl of forteen.
 i met a boy who was my everything. He was 17. Just less than a year we dated. He was the first person i slept with....

Our relationship was a turbulent one, even then he liked to dabble in drugs, he introduced me to them.  One night things came ahead and he finished with me. I was devistated. No man ever made me feel like that again. Although our relationship wasnt healthy, i couldnt forget him and always wndered abt him.

Fast forward 15 years and i find him on facebook,  am saddened to learn he has spent years addicked to herion, has been involved in cults, and various other substance miss use. Dose it put me of? No. We send msgs bk and forth eventualy leading up to skyping. He. Looks terrable, and is clearly still using somthing as a cruch,maybe alchol and valum. Sometimes herion always methadon.

I found. Out he cheated when we were younger, i was gutted made me feel like what i thought we had wasnt real. But i still couldnt stop. Thinking about him. I watched him on skype and could see he was broken. He wanted me to marry him and move to were he is.

I should add i am in a long term relationship, with older children. I couldnt possably subject them to living like that.

Its dosnt stop me wanting him though, thinking about how i could see him. I know its not right as i have a family. If it were just me? Idk..
 Some days i hear from him some i dont. The past fews months have been an emotional rolacoaster for me. Yes i sometimes wish i hadnt gone digging up the past, i would still be blisfuly igronant. 

He is very sick some days and has hep b. This story will be nothing compaired to some of yours in the day to day livings with an addick. I Justfeel the need to share my story somewere.

Thanks for reading. I hope who ever you are, you find some peace and god bless.

Comments

Icarus Trust
18 May 2016

Thanks for sharing your story. It can help to share experiences. I wonder whether you would like to be in touch with The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts. We could put you in touch with one of our experienced trained volunteers who you could talk to. You may find talking with them would help you to make sense of how you are feeling. It is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

little Al
8 Jun 2016

Hi ..my partner is a heroin of 20 years. .i love him dearly and we have 3 children. .my advise to you wpyld be to stear clear. .im sorry if this isnt what you was expecting.  My partners drug use has recently spiralled and hes inva cycle of using to feel better. .to get out of bed..If he doesnt have his heroin he doesn't  get out of bed and  becomes anxious abd i feel like im walking on eggshells. If he has money ...my money as it has become co..dependent meaning he doesnt work ..i have 2 jobs now so not only do i pay everything but also fund this existence he is in ...if he has money. .he can spend hours scouring to get it and then a couple of hours doing it so my day is usually around this . Being a heroin addict is like a full time job ..thats all je thinks about. He regually steals my bank card or money. He had ar tomes been abusive when hes been rattling. .used to be physical but now its more verbal. .or trashing the rooms looking. ..he sits in dirty houses to do it and its embarrassing cause the smell then lingers onto his clothes. He can look well at times then other times a total mess. .and even need telling to haveca shave or a bath. The nature of addiction makes them selfish. .he is on a methadone script but still uses. He packed up work 4months ago saying he needed to get clean ..he was using Daily and all his wages went on gear and even some of my money. Breaking codependency isnt easy ..the addict over time will find a way of making yoy feel its your responsibility. .and you will feel guilty if you don't give in ..it makes me feel like its ny addiction. .even though i don't use any drugs. Also you eill become isolated from friends and so down you wount be bothered about socialising. .its a struggle to look after the kids the way you would normally do because it over takes your feelings and thoughts. .head for the hills ..its soul destroying for the families aswelvas the addict x

little Al
8 Jun 2016

Hi ..my partner is a heroin of 20 years. .i love him dearly and we have 3 children. .my advise to you wpyld be to stear clear. .im sorry if this isnt what you was expecting.  My partners drug use has recently spiralled and hes inva cycle of using to feel better. .to get out of bed..If he doesnt have his heroin he doesn't  get out of bed and  becomes anxious abd i feel like im walking on eggshells. If he has money ...my money as it has become co..dependent meaning he doesnt work ..i have 2 jobs now so not only do i pay everything but also fund this existence he is in ...if he has money. .he can spend hours scouring to get it and then a couple of hours doing it so my day is usually around this . Being a heroin addict is like a full time job ..thats all je thinks about. He regually steals my bank card or money. He had ar tomes been abusive when hes been rattling. .used to be physical but now its more verbal. .or trashing the rooms looking. ..he sits in dirty houses to do it and its embarrassing cause the smell then lingers onto his clothes. He can look well at times then other times a total mess. .and even need telling to haveca shave or a bath. The nature of addiction makes them selfish. .he is on a methadone script but still uses. He packed up work 4months ago saying he needed to get clean ..he was using Daily and all his wages went on gear and even some of my money. Breaking codependency isnt easy ..the addict over time will find a way of making yoy feel its your responsibility. .and you will feel guilty if you don't give in ..it makes me feel like its ny addiction. .even though i don't use any drugs. Also you eill become isolated from friends and so down you wount be bothered about socialising. .its a struggle to look after the kids the way you would normally do because it over takes your feelings and thoughts. .head for the hills ..its soul destroying for the families aswelvas the addict x

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