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Should I make him homeless ?

Posted by lexy on 3 July 2013.

My seventeen and a half year old son has been using ketamine almost daily for a year now, using for three years in total. He has refused all offers of help from services, despite me finding him semi conscious twice and dialing 999 where he was taken to hospital. He brings drugs into the house, I hear him snorting it and find residue lying around his desk . In the morning he often has white powder on his face. He is spending around four hundred pounds a month to my knowledge . several people have advised me to make him homeless due to the awful torture that living with this has become in order he have to start facing reality. It will have lots of ramifications for me if this does happen financial, housing, but the main fear is that he will be housed with other drug users and get on heroin or just get even worse. I have been told this will happen, from emergency accommodation to eventual hostel. I also fear he will hate me and my family don't  want me to do this either. but... his using is just getting worse and i really struggling to cope. I have joined two support groups and find myself speaking to the Samaritans, where I'm getting so low. Has anyone experience of making a youngster homeless ?  advice please ...

Comments

Vicky
21 Jul 2013

Hi, I have just joined this site today and I totally feel the same. Although I love my son I also hate what he is doing to my family, I just want him to get out of my house and come back as he use to be. He is a big cannabis user and I'm sure he takes other drugs. I want to throw him out as he steals from me, lies, and we have to walk on eggshells when he is in one of his moods. Things are not good. I just can't do it and I guess he knows that. I feel he will go from bad to worse. I feel if he's at home he's mainly safe and I kind of know what he's doing. But how long I can carry on I'm not sure as things are just getting to much for me. How have you got on since writing this post? And do you get any help from anyone? I just need some advice. My son is 22
Vicky

Nijo
23 Jul 2013

Hi, do what you feel is right for you and not what everyone else says you should do, whether that is kicking him out or letting him stay.  Everyone copes differently to these situations and as you're the one living in this hell at the moment do what feels right for you then start putting boundaries in place and sticking to them, not easy I know. I couldn't kick my son out, I just couldn't do it and that was when I decided to try and get some sort of control over this devastating time. After I was arrested because of him (allowing drugs to be used in my home) the empty threats from me stopped and boundaries (though very small ones to begin with) were put in place, not easy and not an overnight job either.  Try speaking to your son when you're sure he hasn't taken anything and keep calm, tell him you love him and are there for when he wants to talk, get help etc.  Please believe there is hope for you but at the minute you might not think so, after a couple of stints in a Young Offenders Centre, my son 23, is now settled and doing a criminology degree.

Effy
26 Jul 2013

Hi guys, I might be able to give a different perspective.. I'm 19 and one of my closest friends uses Ketamine, he's 20.

His mum has kicked him out of his home and he's now living with his grandad, still using but as a friend, I can only do what I can when he's open to talking to me. It's been about two years since he started talking in drips and drabs about how he feels.

A couple of things he's said are... "No one worries" 
"I can't see an A to B, the way you have A-Levels, to uni, to a job... I'm in a job and doing what I do to get by"
"I'll get myself sorted soon, I can't do it forever"

But, nothing changes... I've been completely stupid and fallen for him and I couldn't physically bring myself to walk away from him until a few days ago.
I went out at half 3 in the morning to see him as he requested and we ended up arguing because I tried to explain that it hurts me to look at him in a state... He walked away and that day the traffic on the motorway was backed up, a rumour that someone had tried to commit suicide was around, by jumping from the same bridge he needed to walk across to get back to his grandad's home, after 2 sleepless nights, a hell of a lot of phone calls, he answered "Hiya! You alright?".. I'd been through hell, and he didn't care so I hung up, and haven't spoken to him since.
He (whilst intoxicated) did admit that he had fallen in love with me and wanted to change, so when I said that we'd be together properly if he was clean, I  naively thought it would give him a short term motivation, something to kick start it but unfortunately not.
I honestly don't know how a mother copes with a child in this position, it's something I can't comprehend, but I can say in this situation, there's no hate coming from him for his family, because he understands what he's doing isn't fair, but Ket makes a person feel totally detatched from reality, as though the mind is "floating away"... So when they aren't using and completely understand the seriousness and severity of the situation, it makes sense for them to seek that feeling again.

So to make the reality worse for them to deal with, in my opinion, pushes them back towards feeling that release from it again. UNLESS they are somewhere with councellors etc, Lexy and Vicky.. In my experience kicking your sons out just on the street won't work, he'll be in emotional pain and you'll allow him back in and he'll go right around again.
When he's sober, he needs to know that world, the REAL one, isn't something he needs to get away from, he needs to feel strong enough to battle it.
Is it their own fault? Yes.. Should they put people through their idea of hell? No, but bottom line is, they have and now they need help.

Please, as mothers don't let your sons believe you're just fed up, let them know you love the bones of them, talk about old memories, my friend does that with me, and his smile when he talks about childhood memories is just the best thing I could see.
Let them know that life isn't a walk in the park, but that there's two roads they could take.. One with a difficult road but a happy ending, or one with a very dull, lonely, cold and pointless ending.
Don't kick them out.. Smile, and tell them you love them... Which is why TOGETHER you're going to get it sorted, then take your son to somewhere that can offer support.
I'm in love with an addict and I'd give anything to be able to be the one to take him somewhere and help him, but I can't see him clean because he uses when he goes out.
Just show opportunities, be a friend, and be assertive. Try it, I really think it could work.

san
5 Oct 2013

If you are with an addict in my opinion then they need professional help and if you continue to feed them...provide a roof over their head - then what I have learnt from living with an alcoholic is that you need to leave them to sort out their life. Even if this means death or them going to the bottom.  Sounds terrible doesn't it? I have lived with my husband who is an alcoholic  _ I left hime 7 years ago and now despite working hard to bring up two daughters alone - my 17 year old I have just found out is taking ketamine at concerts. If this does not stop I will have to think about this and ask/get her to leave the home as I learnt that this is the only way that addicts HAVE to do it themselves. I am distraught and feel pain.

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