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Should i stay OR should I go?

Posted by Kimi on 15 January 2015.

I have known my husband since we were kids (we both had feeling for each other),  but never really expressed our feelings for each other until later on in life. We married in March 2012. We met 2005 for the first time abroad....this will be revealed later on in the story.

Ash (not his real name) married at 21 to another girl. I married at 28 to another chap. He blamed his addiction on his first marriage as his wife at the time was deceiving him and that's what supposedly started his addiction.

During this time i did hear through the grapevine that he is a drug addict but like i mention earlier we didn't  stay in contact for over 23 years.  I went abroad to start the support for my first  husbands visa case and i was beaten by the in laws, and Ash  happen to be there too and heard about this and helped my mother and I seek medical help. We then exchanged numbers and i returned back to the UK. Ash remain abroad for until May 2006. We communicated via phone for over a year just chatting about how ill our lives were. We still had not mentioned our feelings to each other as i would be wrong as we're both married to other people. 

Upon his return to the UK in 2006, we talked and he realised he must give his marriage ago and shall ask his wife (at the time) to take him back. He was married for 12 years but lived separate lives for 6 years. She refused and wanted out of the relationship. He divorced his first wife and then got in touch with me. Later, i got divorce from my first husband who on paper i was married to for 6 years!  Ash and i talked about our feelings from child hood and how we always loved each other. We decided to get married but knew our families wouldn't agree! We stayed close and kept it a secret. 

During our time prior to marrying he had no job and started asking for help with money to pay for cigarettes. I knew nothing of his addiction or what kind of addiction he had, as he was abroad for 3 years getting over his problem and was clean and healthy. He had been clean for 3 years. Slow i was being asked for money everyday and i was blind by why he needed so much each day. I found a letter  about a clinic appointment and confronted him. He advised i attend the appointment with him, which i did. I thought he had a weed problem or something small...but when i heard HEROIN mentioned and i froze. I realised then that my money was supporting his addiction. However, i remained supportive and guided him through recovery. The truth of it is...i have only known Ash in his addiction persona and not in a normal state of mind and that was confusing. When he was not an addict, he wasn't attentive or loving at all. Actually he has a cold persona and a distant one too. This was very hard for my to understand and i realised this is the person i need to fall in love with as this is Ash without any influence. Slowly we made progress and i realised i loved him!!!! 

We have been together for 6 years (not married) and he was in recovery 4 times during this time. I eventually broke off the relationship as he drained all my money and i had nothing left to offer him. He went abroad again to get clean and left. He returned 6 months later....clean, healthy and asked me to marry him. I agreed as he has always been my first love. We both approached the families and both sides agreed and thought it would be good for him as he will finally marry the girl he's always wanted and he'll keep away from his addition as this will be a good focus point. We married in March 2012. First 9 months were bliss. We decided to try for a baby but nothing happened.  Then 'fun Ash' started to appear from no where, little signs, he became touchy touchy and fun and attentive. I thought how odd but dismissed it for a few weeks. Then the long hours he'd spend in the family bathroom and away from the family...i knew he was back on this. Then money became an issue and whilst collecting me from the bus stop i was on the phone to my sister and he hit me hard at the back of my head as he was trying to get my attention. I told his family members. After much debate he realised he'd just wanted to see if he could challenge it but it didn't work and he went in to rehab here in the UK in Feb 2013. I month i drove each Sunday 200 miles to see him. He later hit me again in summer of 2013 in the car dropping me off to work. 

We moved into our flat in 2014 as his family couldn't cope with our constant arguments. He was clean once again. He was working too earning well. Then the bug caught him again. During this time i was pregnant and in Oct 2014 i miscarried. We were both devastated. I was three months and he realised that when he was clean we managed to conceive so he tried to go cold turkey at home with my help. This time he couldn't break it! It was to hard and controlling. He was working and needed to take it until he could get time off for a week to try again. He would become withdrawn, spending all his time in the living room and not getting into bed until 6am in the morning when i would be getting up for work. 

I finally took hold of the car keys yesterday so he wasn't able to drive out to get his drugs. I beat me to the ground but i held on to the keys for dear life....he let me go and walked out the house at 6.11pm and didn't return until 11.25pm. He sent a text saying he was sorry for what he did asking for forgiveness and i refused to respond. I locked myself in the bedroom, left his phone charger, and bedding for him to sleep on the couch. I got up this morning and went to work and here i am typing this up..... So now what.....?!

His first love and addiction is heroine....
My first love and addiction is Ash....

Comments

CANT TAKE NO MORE
19 Jan 2015

Hey Hunni....I really hope your ok...it's hard to understand why addicts behave the way they do...but letting anyone be violent to you is a recipe for disaster....addiction is a curse and hard to grasp. Only he can do it..what I will say is the violence will continue whilst he is using, and you are worth more than that..sometimes letting go is the hardest thing ever, but whilst he is still using think long and hard about bringing a small child into your lives....stay safe, seek help for yourself and good luck xx

Icarus Trust
19 Jan 2015

Hi Kimi,
I agree that it is important that you look out for yourself, while trying to support your husband. I hope that you have supportive family and friends around you. if you would like other support, The Icarus Trust is a charity which specifically helps the families and friends of those affected by a loved one's addiction. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our Family Friends'. These are trained volunteers who you could talk with which may help you to find a way ahead and support you while you are  coping with hard times. This is a free service so hope that you may give it a go.They could also signpost you to other services that could help your husband.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this will be helpful to you. Good luck.

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