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so sad

Posted by Franticmum on 29 January 2014.

it makes me so sad to read so many stories that mirror my life, but at the same time i think it helps a little to know that there are others in the same situation and it is not just me that things have gone wrong for, i wrote my story on christmas eve when i was so low and needed an outlet for my hurt, in short my son has been a heroin addict for more than 17 years now, he hit rock bottom living on the streets, went to prison then gradually seemed to turn his life around, he went through rehab and we slowly tried to get back some sort of normality, but then he relapsed big time.  he repeatedly has told me he loves me and that i dont deserve to go through this hell, so why oh why does he still use? he says its the only way he can feel "normal" i just dont know what to do any more, i cannot look at him without remembering all he has put our family through, i just want it all to stop ive rambled on again but i do find some sort of relief in writing this down, i would like to say to everyone suffering like me, keep strong and try to remember all the good in your life, not easy i know but its what helps me to carry on, and you never know one day things may get a little more bearable xxx

Comments

Franticmum
30 Jan 2014

ive found out today that my son is in hospital with a blood clot in his leg, this is the third time it has happened and last time he was told that he was lucky to survive, seemingly its because he has been injecting into his groin, (its a way to hide the track marks ive been informed) He seems to be on a road to self destruction and wont listen to anything that anyone says to him, he is going to be sectioned under the mental health act, what do i feel? sad, hurt,angry, and most of all so ashamed, how did it get to this, how much more have we got to go through, i dont know what to do any more i feel i havent got the strength to give him support, ( i feel so selfish just saying this) but i didnt ask for any of this, everyone says its not my fault he is like this, so why do i feel ive let him down,

fifi65
30 Jan 2014

Aw Sue, so sorry to hear this, Jesus christ when will they stop!!! You must be out of your mind with worry, 17yrs of hell, I really think if there new the pain us mum's feel that would stop, they can't that drug takes all there feelings away..It is not your fault!!! nor is it mine but I know where you're coming from sending you a big cyber hug take care of your self fiona xxx

Lucinda
30 Jan 2014

Hi sue, so sorry to hear this :(( and thank you for your kind words :)).  I think every one who loves/cares about an addict who is a family member/friend will always feel they have let them down in some way. It's a natural feeling, we know it's not our fault, but understand how you feel that you could've done more or done something else.  In truth by being there just to listen,and loving them is more than you can do for someone with addictions, as they fight their demons on a daily basis and my brother too feels he has to drink/do drugs to feel 'normal'. Your son knows you love him and I'm sure he knows it's not your fault. I know my mum and I sometimes feel hopeless and that we have nothing left to give but with support from friends and a good rant gets it off our chest for a bit, ready to face the next chapter! ;))) sending lots of luck to you and your son. Xx

Franticmum
31 Jan 2014

thank you both for your kind words,  it does help to have your support, even though we are strangers, we are connected by our suffering, i try to count my blessings every day for all the good i have in my life, And i know i will get through this horrid time as i have before, it just takes longer to pull myself through.
Keep strong ladies, take care
Sue xx

grannychoc
20 Feb 2014

Hi girls.......first post from me.  My eldest daughter is 34 this year and has been a heroin addict from the age of about 17. Before that it was speed. Trouble was that all the signs were the same as you'd expect from a stroppy teenager. Mood swings, sleeping late, crabby, argumentative, staying out later than curfew with an excuse every time etc etc. Little did I know. Or was it little did I want to know? Her Dad and I had divorced a couple of years before and the pain was still raw for all of us. When I finally I got my head out of the sand and realised she was in trouble like every parent I tried to fix it, talked to her endlessly and believed the lies because I wanted to. By this time she was living in a flat with her delightful (not) boyfriend. All the comments I've read today are so familiar. Paying off dealers, my divorce caused her to use drugs, debts (in my name at my address), late night/early morning phone calls from strangers looking for her, theft, prostitution, bailiffs, various toothless partners who were all 'the one', abortions, 2 beautiful grandchildren who live with me via social services and the Family Courts, probation and finally 2 months ago prison. Two years ago after being put on probation, she was clean again, beautiful again and getting to know her children (they've been with me for 8 years and are young enough not to know any other life.)Then despite knowing all the pitfalls, with eyes wide open, she met someone again from her old life and it was literally just weeks before I knew she'd gone again. It's tragic. There are 2 children here (and literally thousands elsewhere) who were brought into the world by parents without a thought other than where the next fix was coming from. I used to get so mad on their behalf. I used to get mad on my behalf. I wore myself out worrying, wore myself out looking after the kidlings, tried to compensate for everything and achieved nothing other than exhaustion. My daughter just carried on living her chosen life. I have learned a few things on the way and if I dont stick to my mantra I am enabling her to affect my life, my youngest daughters life and my grandchildrens lives. Drug abuse is like a ripple in a pond. Its not just the addict who is affected but everyone who loves them too. I cannot stop my daughter living the life she chose. I am not responsible for her choices in life. The only way I can help her is to keep her children safe and well until the day they are more important to her than the drugs. I love the curly haired smiling daughter I knew up until the age of 16 but don't recognise or trust the drug addled, argumentative, defensive, lying woman she's become. I finally know that what is happening is not my fault, your fault or anyone elses'. I brought up two daughters exactly the same way. One has spent over half her life filling her body with one chemical or another. One hasn't. Learning to say no and to keep on saying it is tough but everytime you change your life to compensate for them you are enabling them to carry on.  I too have a lot to be thankful for but I suspect like many of you I'm the supposed rock of the family. If we go down through ill health or worry what happens then? Strength is survival. Protect yourselves. Shoulders back lovely girls. Once more into the breach................................. now where's the maltesers? x

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