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Struggling

Posted by Charlotte12 on 28 October 2016.

Hello all,
 I'm a newly single mum of 3, my youngest being 6 months old.  My ex moved out 2 months ago after I could no longer handle his addiction to vodka.  He had become too much of a risk to have in the home in terms of being drunk through the day when I'm looking after kids etc and so I of course had to prioritise the kids and he's gone.  He completely understood that id reached my limit and he didn't put up a fight.  I think he believed that I'd take him back like I've done so many times but that's not happening.  
He's been accessing help and support through his GP and local support groups since I became pregnant (which was a massive shock) but it's not working which worries me so much.  He has been suspended from work after he explained his position to his employer and asked them for their support! I'm so scared that we will lose the house and he will finally drink himself to death if he loses his job. I know he hates what he is and I'm glad he's seeking help but he still has to turn to vodka everyday.  The help just hasn't worked but he's lied to me so much, I wonder if he even kept on going to meetings. I couldn't keep a check on how often he was going because of work but he said he was.  It's absolutely destroyed everything we had and has completely ruined my life.
I'm now struggling so much.  I work full time and I'm undergoing very demanding training in readiness for a promotion in 2018.  I've told my employer about my situation and they said they would help where they can but still the work is piled on and I'm at breaking point.  My ex hardly sees the kids anymore, I know he's relapsing AGAIN.  And although I feel so sad for him, I can't help but resent what he's left me with.  I'm so exhausted running the house, looking after kids, working full-time, night feeds, shopping, playing taxi to our teenagers etc etc. I just can't see a way out.  I now have serious childcare issues too and even though he's off work, I can't damn well rely on him to even look after kids for a few hours because he can't be trusted.  
At the risk of sounding like I'm whinging, I feel like I'M being punished for HIS life choices.  His family understood that I had to tell him to leave yet not one of them have been in touch since he's left.  People comment on how strong I am and how I'm coping so well and it's just NOT TRUE!  I'm absolutely devastated and feel like climbing the walls or finding an isolated field and screaming to the top of my lungs.   I just can't cope with my life.  I put my make up on every morning and pretend everything's fine but I just feel like I'm sinking.  And the guilt!! Why do I feel guilty ALL the time?  I always have these guilty feelings and then I over compensate by buying for the oldest 2 kids when I can't afford it.  I know I shouldn't, it's not things they need but when they ask I just can't say no because of this guilt.  I feel guilty for relying on my mum so much too for childcare when she's not in the best health as it is.  I even feel guilty on the dog for gods sake because he's been withdrawn since my ex went.  
I wish someone would just cuddle me really tightly and tell me it's all going to be ok but I know that's not going to happen.  I wake up in between night feeds with terrible headaches and then start worrying about Xmas, things that need doing and most of all my ex.  I worry that he's going to kill himself with the vodka and I'll get a knock on the door and I'll have to explain to our children.  I've even thought about what I'd say because I overthink it so much.
Why is he doing this to us!!!!!!! We were so happy once over.  I'm so lost.

Comments

Icarus Trust
31 Oct 2016

Hi Charlotte,

I am so very sad to read your post. You really have so much to cope with at the moment and I can see how hard it is for you. It must be so difficult knowing that none of this is through any fault of your own.

Please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity set up to offer support to people like yourself who are affected by a loved one's addiction. Talking with one of our 'Family Friends', who are trained and experienced volunteers, might help you not to feel so lost and may help you to see a way forward.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org

I hope that you get some support for yourself. Wishing you all the best.

Charlotte12
14 Nov 2016

Thank you Icarus, I certainly will contact you.  I was hoping to move on but I'm stuck in this life where I can't imagine being truly happy anymore.  That's not to say I'm ungrateful for what I have, my children are my world.  I'm just hoping for a day when I don't have to just cope and get through.  
On a slightly separate note, I can see that my post has 10 comments yet I can only view this one from you Icarus. Any thoughts on how I read the other 9? 
Thank you and I look forward to speaking to you xx

Icarus Trust
15 Nov 2016

Hi Charlotte,
Good to hear that you will be in touch. I will let the Icarus administrator know about the comments that you can't see.

Ariel
23 Jan 2017

Hi 
This is similar to my situation only my husband has been dry now for 2 weeks! I also have a 6 month old! Ive said i will work on our marriage with him as i feel i need to give it all i can so if it does all fail, if he does start drinking again, I can tell our kids i did all.i could!! I feel like im kidding myself though and he'll soon give in to alcohol then i feel guilty for thinking it!! The guilt is invredible! At the moment i swing from these feelings of guilt and wanting to support him to absolute anger that hes unable to suppport me and our childten!! And permenantly stay away from.alcohol and not have this feeling that at any moment he can start drinking again and blocking everything out and leaving me to deal with everything on my own as has happened a few times now!! Its hard being the one that keeps on keeping on!! Good luck Charlotte xx

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