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Struggling with resentment and anger

Posted by Louise86 on 27 October 2017.

For a good 12 months I have known that my partner has a dependency on alcohol. I know there is no physical addiction as I know that he can go days and weeks without drinking with no adverse affects which is perhaps what makes it worse. For months I have been asking him to see a doctor for his mental health issues which ultimately lead him to drink the way he does but he never has. I have also just found out that he has been doing cocaine on a regular basis  (almost daily). Things came to a head a few weeks ago when he suffered what can only be described as mental break down following a 3 day alcohol and drug binge (using money that was owed to me for rent and bills). As a result he spent a couple of weeks at his parents house, off work, working on issues supposedly reaching out to doctors for help (this has transpired to be a lie). After a very emotional conversation about expectations and boundary setting I allowed him back to our home for him to go on another binge 3 days after returning to work (after his very understanding boss gave him 2  and a half weeks off to get himself straight). I now find myself a muddle of anger, resentment, loathing and judgement all of which are stopping me from being the supportive and caring girlfriend I should be. I am probably coming across as a horrible person but Im really not, I just happen to be a very logical, pragmatic and organised person that cant understand such a lack of self control and level of idiocy it has taken for him to get himself in to this position.
The main things I am currently struggling with are: 
1. the shear volume of lies he has told me over the last 12 months both small and large, how can I trust anything he says to me moving forwards and I find myself questioning things that happened months and months ago and dissecting it to see if it may have been a lie
2. The money he has squandered. I am the main financial contributor to the house but I now realise all the things we have missed out on because he never contributed more than just the meager amount we agreed for him to pay in rent etc. I just think about all the Money he spent on booze and drugs when we could have been saving for a holiday, new car, day trips etc
3. His friends many of which he works with (not to mention his brother!) all of which stood by and watched him self destruct and on many occasions helped him by lending money and joined in with him all a while making out like I was a controlling witch for asking him to come home on time, not drink etc. 
4. Does he really think he has a problem? I still have my doubts that he does. I still think he feels like yes he does have mental health problems but that his drinking isnt really an issue hes just out there having fun. He has made a comment recently that supports my view which is why is it that students can go out get drunk every night party etc and everyone just says "oh they're just a student let them have fun" where as he gets branded as having a problem (I pointed out that students that allow drink to affect their work, relationships, physical health etc would be branded as having problems as he has) 
5. How do we get through this? will our life ever get back on to the plan that we had? 
6. Will I ever feel like he respects me? It feels like all this time he has been laughing behind my back. He knew my feelings but did all of this anyway. I had nights waking up with anxiety attacks over money and he sat by and watched me knowing what he was doing and letting me shoulder all of that. 

I just want to be a good person and support my boyfriend. I want us to get through this together but I cant see a way out of the dark place we are in at the moment. I hate the snide comments I keep making to him and the fact that I cant bring myself to be affectionate towards him. I hate that I dont trust anything he says and cant even look back on the good times we had as I feel like they are just a lie.  I just want to be the person I was (I guess I also feel resentment about the fact that he has turned me in to who I am now).

ugh what a mess!

Comments

Icarus Trust
17 Nov 2017

Hi Louise,
Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you feel that you are in a dark place. Please remember you are not a horrible person, but having to cope with a very difficult situation. 
I work for The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people just like yourself who are struggling to support a loved one with addictive behaviours. if you think it would help get in touch and you could talk with one of our 'Family Friends.' They are very experienced and talking with one of them might begin to help you to answer some of your questions and let you know what other support is out there for yourself as well as your partner.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
All the best to you.

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