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such an evil monster

Posted by Alize on 5 March 2014.

My husband started doing meth again after being clean for six years right after his father passed away. I knew he was doing it but he always lied and said he wasn't. I began to watch as things started to just grow legs and walk away from in our home, he would leave on what normally would be a ten minute trip and be gone two or more hours, he wouldn't look at me, kiss me, nothing. I decided that if I did it with him maybe he'd change and love me again. Now let meadd that long before I started using I was diagnosed with manic depression, ADHD, severe anxiety, OCD, impulsive behavior disorder, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, delusional disorder, sleeping disorder, and severe anger management problems. as a child d12 I was diagnosed with all of these problems including suicidal tendencies. now my sis I'll tendencies have come back. at first everything was great when I started using with him, but then he started to run off again and my delusional disorder got worse. he started blaming me for everything that happened. he lost his job and we lost our house on the same day. we had nowhere to go. I'd give his sister my three beautiful children so that we can try to work things out and fix what's broken. I've tried to get off the dope and and I know that I could I wanted to but you always makes me feel guilty when I don't smoke with him. we don't have sex anymore
unless is on his schedule
and it seems like we only do what he wants to do. I've tried to dress up and wear makeup and look pretty, but nothing I do makes me want to be with me anymore. YC still here with me? I feel like a monster evil nasty monster. I just want in my life because I know my heart the one that I love is never coming back. he was the half that made me whole, the air that I breathe, my whole world. I've already lost everything else in my life totally seems like it makes sense. why do I have to feel this way? what is the act like it doesn't bother him? I just love them but I hate him so much. I feel like my world is spiraling so fast out of control and there's no breaks to help slow me down. I can see the crash up ahead I just go for it I don't even try to shield myself. I'm just so lost so hurt so confused. I'm already numb inside so why not know myself unless the way. how do I get him to stop how can I get back to the game where you was before that? somebody please give me a price before it's too late for me.

Comments

Sdiggle
7 Mar 2014

You need to be you ! Do you want to do drugs? To you want to be that person just to make him happy, ive been there ! Aslong as your doing it with him he thinks its acceptable,  I enjoyed doing drugs with him until I realised he only wantedme to carry on so he could cover up whst he was doing, I nearly lost everything, and he blamed me but didnt think to admit that he was taking smavk on the side ( I was only taking crack ) were just pawns in a very twisted game of chess, they say were just as bad as them, but truth is they should have said no the first time we asked to try it, if they loved us they would never have wanted us to feel the pain that comes with addiction, so please ask your self do you really want to be that person or are you worth more? The old saying goes, "if you love them let them free, and if they come back then it was meant to be" you love your childrens just like I love mine , proove to them your worth more they need you , you need you, x my hearts with you x

CANT TAKE NO MORE
11 Mar 2014

Oh dear lord.....please try and get off the drugs...I think  you are a remarkable person for getting this far...and im sure your kids think their mummy is too... Its time to think about getting you better.. and its up to him to get himself better.....Love can be painful alone, but better alone and clean, able to take care of your kids, than with a man who obviously isnt ready to get help...you do matter hunni, and you are worth helping yourself, you DO matter....LET US KNOW HOW THINGS ARE GOING....XXXXXXXX

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