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The nightmare begins again

Posted by AmandaA on 30 June 2014.

Hello
My son is a drug addict, full on heroin and is on methadone.  He also has mental health issues and Aspergers. I have stepped in and out of his life and went to drugfam meetings for about 6 months or so and they really helped.  I never really believed in tough love but went with it as thats what the professionals said i should do.  Then I got dragged back in.  I have tried to help him.  Listened to his tale of woe, dug him out of trouble.  Hardest thing is he has no friends so seeks undesirables as they are the only ones who will be with him.  They then take advantage of him, steal from him, beat him up, bully him, taunt him.  I get the phonecalls and texts and go through hell and then the next day he is with them again.  He hasnt lived with me for a long time.  He has been in a new flat since February and every window in the house has been smashed.  Its used as a drugs den and he lets people in.  He has panic alarms given by the police and one day he is a victim and then the next he is not.  I have spent numerous times in hospital with him on drug overdoses, paid to have his flat sorted, bought him food and paid for electricity.  He has debts coming out of his ears, never any money, does not have any sense of reality whatsoever.  Misses appointments, discards letters.  Its a nightmare.  In between all of this he is obstructive, aggressive, abusive towards me.  There are very rare times when he is not.  Yet still i put up with it.  A week ago he was back in A & E with another overdose, this time a massive one.  He was in a coma and ended up in ICU with a tube down his throat helping him breathe.  I sat and watched him half hoping he would not wake up.  When he did, he discharged himself 6 hours later.  No remorse, care, regard for what he had done to me or himself.  After another week of hell, more rubbish, more abuse I feel i need to back away again as i just cant deal with it.  He also has a girlfriend, first friend/girl friend in a very long time.  She too is a drug addict with mental health issues.  Its a very volatile relationship but sometimes think it has its positives as it means he is not on his own.  She is meant to be going to rehab and if she does, I fear it will push him further down although not sure how much further he can fall.  I am battling with myself not knowing what i should do.  Do I block him from my phone again, no food, money, electricity, phone, nothing? Is this the right thing to do.  Can I do it again, can i go through the heartache and grief yet again?  Feels like I have lost him all over again but he was never really there.  The situation is causing more probs between my husband and I (his stepfather).  Tired of being blamed and told what to do and how to feel.  Tired of people who dont have kids in this situation thinking they would not react in the same way.  But how could they possibly know? They think they do, but we all know that its not that simple.  Its not as if i chose this situation or want it.  If I could switch him off i would.  Just dont know if i have got the strength to do it all over again.  I just wish the problem would go away.  I wish i could wake up in the morning with the burden lifted.  Would appreciate any advice.  xxx

Comments

sad and tired
30 Jun 2014

My heart goes out to you. What an awful position you are in . You do not say how old your son is, is he receiving any help for his mental health. Dual diagnosis is so difficult as it is not easy to know if the drugs are causing the problems or the mental health so it is important he gets proper medical help if you can persuade him. It is hard to see your son being taken advantage of but this is the nature of drug users . I am sorry I cannot suggest more than get medical advice. Try contacting mind, I hate to say this but if his mental health is putting him at risk it is possible for you to request auctioning. Always a last resort and his behaviour would need to be severe enough for a psychiatrist and an amp (specially trained mental health social worker) to feel it was needed. Good luck Czechoslovakia

sad and tired
30 Jun 2014

Apologies last bit should have just read good luck xx

sad and tired
30 Jun 2014

And sectioning not auctioning.  so sorry writing on a tablet

AmandaA
1 Jul 2014

Hi he is 23. We have tried to get him sectioned before. Even when he discharged himself fm ICU the psych said he was lucid. He refuses to engage with anybody. Just blames me. So it's v difficult. My husband thinks he is just clever and there is nothing wrong with him. If he can manage to get drugs, he can manage to stop them. Yest he got £100 in benefits. It's all gone. He will now expect me to find him for nxt 2 weeks. If I don't he will starve or steal. Been through the cycle so many times. It's just impossible.

sad and tired
1 Jul 2014

Funny how they blame everyone else, my son is the same, you wouldn't believe some of the things that are my fault so I wouldn't worry to much about that, it's the drugs I think as others have said the same.
My son blew his entire wages in two nights a while ago, the whole lot on booze and drugs. Why not try not giving him money for the next two weeks, be strong and do it. My son who I had to tell to leave still seems to manage to find someone to put him up and manages to eat, I think you may find he is more resilient than you think. What mental health condition has he been diagnosed with, I sometimes wonder if my son has a mental health issue, but of course it could be the drugs. Stay strong xx

AmandaA
1 Jul 2014

Aspergers, question bipolar, personality disorder. In order not to give him money I will have to block him fm my phone. He will hassle/abuse 24/7

sad and tired
1 Jul 2014

I wondered about bipolar/personality disorder with my boy but again is it the drugs causing it, I really don't know.  Yes I know what you mean about the phone, when my son wants something, my phone and text go constantly, so block him for 24 hours.  There is no easy quick fix, I am slowly learning that, but as I have become harder with my son, he bothers me less for money, things are far from good or right but I have some peace now, you are in the place I was maybe2/3 months ago.  It is so so difficult to do this tough love thing, I don't know if it works but I do know that my son cannot manipulate me like he used to.  Sometimes when he is abusive on the phone I hang up and turn it off, he knows now if he wants a conversation its best to speak at least civil to me.  good luck x

AmandaA
1 Jul 2014

I  became hardened like you and then let him back in and my guard has gone down so i feel as if i am back at the beginning which is stupid really as nothing has changed and I know it will take a while to become harder again.  The other problem is everything is a mess, his finances, paperwork, benefits all over the place.  If I dont deal with it, he doesnt and then it just gets into a bigger mess.  I hear some saying its not my job, its his, but most of the time i genuinely dont think he is capable of it as he is so far removed from the real world.  I know i need to put some boundaries back in place for myself and I intend to do this.  I guess right now I am just weary of it all and want some peace, but with him there never can be peace because even if i block him, you still worry, you still think about it.   Unless you have been through it, you have no idea how hard it is.  x

sad and tired
1 Jul 2014

You have no idea how familiar this sounds, I kept trying to harden myself and be tough only to give in and fall back.  Its a backward step yes, but each time you will get harder. My son was the same finances a mess, debts, he wouldn't deal with anything so if I didn't do it it was left, and yes turned into a bigger mess.  This time I have left him, he has lost his job, wouldn't sign on, I left it, he has now signed on.  wouldn't pay his direct debits, usually I bail him out, now I don't, his insurance on his car is being cancelled and his car repossessed.  You may find he actually can do it just as my son can but he has good old mum to do it for him so why should he.  Yes I worry as well, but I worry more when he is under my roof and I can see all the comings and goings.  No one can make you strong enough to do this, but believe me eventually when you get weary enough you will find the strength.  Trust me I never ever thought my son could do anything that would make me push him away but for my own sanity I have had to do it.  It is hard believe me I know but what are your options? xx

sad and tired
1 Jul 2014

You have no idea how familiar this sounds, I kept trying to harden myself and be tough only to give in and fall back.  Its a backward step yes, but each time you will get harder. My son was the same finances a mess, debts, he wouldn't deal with anything so if I didn't do it it was left, and yes turned into a bigger mess.  This time I have left him, he has lost his job, wouldn't sign on, I left it, he has now signed on.  wouldn't pay his direct debits, usually I bail him out, now I don't, his insurance on his car is being cancelled and his car repossessed.  You may find he actually can do it just as my son can but he has good old mum to do it for him so why should he.  Yes I worry as well, but I worry more when he is under my roof and I can see all the comings and goings.  No one can make you strong enough to do this, but believe me eventually when you get weary enough you will find the strength.  Trust me I never ever thought my son could do anything that would make me push him away but for my own sanity I have had to do it.  It is hard believe me I know but what are your options? xx

AmandaA
1 Jul 2014

My son is 23 and hasnt really lived at home since he was 16.  He doesnt know where we live because he would be bashing on the door and i have two younger daughters and just cant risk that anymore.  He isnt homeless at the moment and hasnt been since Feb but i fear he will be evicted which is my worst nightmare as the homeless periods are the worst.  I have been dealing with this for so long, things got bad from 15 and its just got progressively worse as time has gone on.  You see periods of hope but it always go back and i guess its when you see the periods of hope, you step back in. I worry more because of the Aspergers and other issues and know that dual diagnosis is the worst possible kind of addict.   I am going to give him a file of all his paperwork that I have and leave it up to him but i know he wont deal with it, he never does.  Its only in the last few weeks i have started to do some of it but it takes so long and exhausting dealing with him.  I think i am going to revert to taking him a bag of basic food once a week, pay his phone which is now on a pay as you go as the contract phone kept getting stolen, sold or used by other people.  My son has a social worker, probation, drug worker and support worker, aside the  fact they are useless and I say this with huge amounts of experience with them, he does not engage with any of them so that gives them a good excuse not to do anything.  Always feels like a catch 22.  After being in ICU a couple of weeks ago i know his time is running out.  He will end up back in there, 10ft under or in prison.  Right now these seem like better options than where he is.  Sad thing is he could have a nice flat, its in a good location but he doesnt care about anything.  How old is your son?

sad and tired
1 Jul 2014

Poor you, you have really been through it.  With all the help that has been put in, what can you do?  My son is 22 I suspect he started using drugs at around 15 that seems to be when everything started to go wrong.  He was selling his stuff, at 18 he stole all my jewellery and when I found out it was him he didn't bat an eye.  Its just got worse and worse to the point I have been stupidly paying his direct debits, trying to sort his budgets out over and over, only to have him ignore what I have done and spend every penny on drink and drugs.  He has been beaten up, attacked by knife point, robbed, had clothes stolen, phones missing, money missing after nights out.  People take advantage of him when he is off his face.  He has been to court for different offences, mainly criminal damage, he refuses to even pay his fine, I could go on and on and on......I am sick to death of it all but worry so much when I don't know where he is.  Crazy isn't it....much as I love him he is verbally abusive to me and intimidating, I don't need this in my life and so when he decided he wasn't going to turn up for work I told him if he lost his job, he was out, he lost his job so I told him not to come back until he was ready to accept the help I was offering to get him off whatever he was on.  That was maybe 8 weeks ago, he is still not ready to sort himself out, don't know if he ever will be, but I hope......xx

AmandaA
1 Jul 2014

So have you.  It all sounds very familiar.  My son hasnt done a days work in his life.  Ive tried to sort the budgeting thing, i take money out of his account to hold back for gas/electricity and by end of day 1, the money has gone.   I could never have my son back to my house.  Its just not an option, the chaos, damage, violence he causes is not something i can have again.  He has been in court numerous times and really has no more lifelines left.  He is in breach of his current probation order, always is, we will see whether they enforce it.  So far they havent.  Its pointless.   My sons debts are mostly court fines and train fines.  He says its my fault he got them as some of them are against me when he has done something i have called the police! Almost funny he thinks like that! I know my situation is very very extreme.  When ive been to drug family meetings i sit there and nobody else's stories seem anywhere close to mine.  Makes me feel very isolated. I dont have hope anymore as i dont think he will ever change.  Feels a bit like a life sentence! Always here if you need to rant xxx

sad and tired
1 Jul 2014

If you want to give your email address we could chat. Mine is my name so I can't put it on here. My son kept breaching his tag, so what did they do took him back to court and ended his tag and gave him another fine that he doesn't pay. It all gives me nightmares as I cannot stand debt it worries me but not him. Like you everything is my fault, some of the things he blames me for are laughable but he doesn't seem to see the rubbish he comes out with. I have come close to calling the police on him but haven't wanted to get him arrested maybe I should have done when he stole my jewellery. I do hope they can change surely this can't keep on. Xxx

AmandaA
1 Jul 2014

Mine is my name too! Are you on twitter? Check out @mumsvoice

sad and tired
2 Jul 2014

I have found it and clicked follow. I am not very knowledgeable about Twitter. Can you chat on there?

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