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There's nothing left of me

Posted by Jue on 23 June 2014.

14 years I have been with my husband he was a kind strong and loving man, worshipped the ground I walked on. So in love, so happy. About 3 months after our son was born he turned to me in bed and told me he had tried heroin, did I want to try it!! NO I screamed, I have very strong views on that poison. He said he would never do it again, I believed him.
The lies came, the sneakiness, the verbal abuse, name calling and then the physical. He had never touched me until then. He stole off me, lied to me, crucified me in blame, tote shreds off me. He would stop for a while, and just when you start to trust and believe him I would catch him, if I caught him he would kick shit out of me. He has left us for days to get his hits, left us with bit a thing. I have told no one as they wouldn't be able to understand why I stay. I stay because I love this man and he needs help, if I take away everything he will end up dead. My son will no longer have a daddy, a daddy that he worships and vice versa. He is clean at the moment but where do I get the strength from to carry on, believe as I'm so afraid of that poison I have panic attacks and night mares of it. There's nothing left of me. I have fought off dealers, poured it down the toilet and taken him back in so I know he is safe. Am I  just a mug

Comments

Lucy
24 Jun 2014

Hi...it is the worse thing to experience the torture of loving a partner,son etc who is an addict because i do get where you are coming from you love them want to support them and it is soul destroying however when he is abusing you and when he isnt trying to get help there has to b a point that you step back and put the focus on your own life because you cannot change them the only person you can change is yourself and it doesnt sound like it is a great environment for your son to grow up in..you say they adore each other but really do you want him scarred for life if he is enduring abuse and being left for periods of time while he goes and scores because that in and out of his life isnt fair on him..ive been thru all of this and have children and have had the clean times and the times in active addiction with my partner but never would i have had him kicking shit out of me..im not saying he couldnt be abusive because he could the addiction brought me to my knees but trust me he has to be actively trying to get help and you need to get to a point where you step back or yes this will continue and yes you will be muggin yourself off.

Hope you can get the courage to put urself first..and find some inner peace soon

CANT TAKE NO MORE
24 Jun 2014

Addiction changes people beyond all recognition.....But once an addict starts to beat you, he is way out of control, and you and your child need to be safe....Dont be fooled into thinking you are shielding your son from this behaviour, because no matter how small he is, he will understand the raised voices, mummy crying etc.... Please start thinking of yourself and your son...The worst thing to come to terms with is just by letting him lead his life with you means you are enabling him....He is the only one to really want the changes......Dont let this abuse be a common occurance, for you or your son...hugs xxx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
25 Jun 2014

LauraZamora34
25 Jun 2014..............you really are a sad pathetic individual......ADMIN...PLEASE REMOVE

Lucy
25 Jun 2014

@LauraZamora34...wtf are you on with?? Go and find yourself somewhere else to post your adverts

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