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tragically sad

Posted by kelly6714 on 11 August 2014.

This is my first time posting here but i have no one to talk to who understands and need to vent. The tears fall as i write this. I met my boyfriend 11 years ago at the time i had no idea he was addicted to heroin. We fell in love he was my solemate. A year after we were together i came down on christmas morning to find we had been burgled. My boyfriend sat with me as i reported it to the police. I was so looking foward to him opening his gifts. Boxing day i noticed the lino slightly lifted i pulled it back and found a stash of needles. We  argued, he said they were old... i accused him of stealing and selling the xmas presents he hit me over the head with a broom cracking it open. He was arrested charged and put on a drug reabilitation order which involved weekly drug tests. I kept in contact with him he showed me the results and over time i trusted him. We got back together after a happy year our first daughter came along eight years later our second daughter who has just turned one. Yes you see for 10 years we have been blissfully happy holidays abroad no drugs nothing a normal happy family. Then he had a night out slept with another girl i was hurt and mad but i forgave him. Things carried on a week later he was putting the washing away amd my world ended right then amd there i.saw a needle pokeing out from inside his sock. I yelled i screamed i begged. He said the guilt of what he did caused a relapse that it was a one off. I knew deep down i couldnt have that around the children so i called his boss.said we were having problems arranged for him to stay there. He txt saying he loves me hes not useing hes sorry. This weekend i allowed him to come see the children again he promised he was clean. His pupils were small he blamed it on the light, he didnt eat he claimed hed eaten his mouth was dry he claimed he was thirsty and i believed him i always.do because i love him. He left sunday morning claiming he needed to.feed his bosses cat and promised our 8 and 1 year old he would be back he text me through out the day saying he was coming he was just sorting washing just doing this just doing that. At nine pm last night i put my dissapointed girls to bed and phoned him. He.was slurring he said he said he doesnt have a drug problem but that he tried to kill himself because seeing the girls made him realise what hes lost. Even then i told him u could have us back if you leave the drugs alone. He is fantastic at turning things back round on me making me feel bad. He messaged me today at 12.30 to say he hates me yesterday at 8pm he said he loves me. He sent a message saying i want u and the girls back i replied come home.then (i just want him safe) his reply no i hate you im high its your fault i want to die. His phone has been off ever since. So here i am sat at home surrounded by all our things with his children not knowing if hes alive or dead. Im sat here still stupidly believeing he doesnt have a drug problem and i can save him my heart cant let go of the man i love off the drugs my brain that knows that he has chosen drugs over us and i believe the guilt of that is to much for him. I wish i could hate him but u see i cant i love him more everyday. Losing to someone to drugs is like grieveing for the person that was there before.

Comments

sk
12 Aug 2014

Hi, after reading your post I can really relate to how you are feeling because I too have come 2nd best to this horrid drug although my partner smoked it still does'nt make it hurt any less. I too have two children who have not got a clue about there daddy's addiction none of my family know about it either so in a morning when I get up I put my make up on and wear it as a mask to face the day when all I want to do is break down. My partner has never been violent towards me let me make that clear but the mental torture is just as bad the pawning of my jewellery which always meant alot because he was the one who bought it me the debt and the never ending heartache of loving someone who loves something else more. My partner has just done a 2 week stint in rehab and is currently clean but the fear that he will give up is even worse I have dedicated 18yrs of my life to this man and all I have got is heartache  and dissapointment ( and my beautiful children but that goes without saying). I am giving him this one last chance and if he fails he wallks out of mine and our childrens life for good no matter how much it will destroy me I cannot live like this any more. My fear is though that he will be ok for the next few years and then let me down again he is all I have ever known and I would be probably be damaged goods to anyone else I feel why do we love these men. I want someone who will fight for me and love me the way I love him. The addiction to this drug has horrid consequences for the families after all we dont get a choice. I hope everything works out for you and just know you are not alone xx

kelly6714
12 Aug 2014

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You hit the nail on the head when you said its hard to know they love something more than you. People who havent been through it dont understand. Its like the person we love is having an affair only with a substance not a person and the hold it has over them is no match for us. He finally got in touch with me yesterday to say he had bought some more and that will be it then he will stop. He always promises it will be the next day... it is hard to know the truth anymore where were currently not living together. I told him to get on a programme but he refuses claiming he can do it himself. It is our daughters birthday in 12 days i have told him i do not want to be around him on drugs and that i will purchase a drugs test and test him the day before if hes clean he can spend the day with us if not he cant. The problem is its always us that suffers isnt it. Heroin makes a person so selfish. I wish your partner the very best of luck. Please keep in touch as to how he is doing x

kelly6714
12 Aug 2014

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You hit the nail on the head when you said its hard to know they love something more than you. People who havent been through it dont understand. Its like the person we love is having an affair only with a substance not a person and the hold it has over them is no match for us. He finally got in touch with me yesterday to say he had bought some more and that will be it then he will stop. He always promises it will be the next day... it is hard to know the truth anymore where were currently not living together. I told him to get on a programme but he refuses claiming he can do it himself. It is our daughters birthday in 12 days i have told him i do not want to be around him on drugs and that i will purchase a drugs test and test him the day before if hes clean he can spend the day with us if not he cant. The problem is its always us that suffers isnt it. Heroin makes a person so selfish. I wish your partner the very best of luck. Please keep in touch as to how he is doing x

sk
12 Aug 2014

I also have bought some drug testing kits just incase I have any doubts. Do you know what its crazy how even though they do all this to us and break our hearts we still protect them I suppose really when you think about it these men are our addiction and yes they are spiteful and only ever see what they are going through and how hard things are for them and it drives me insane, I feel like a robot constantly on auto pilot looking after kids on my own, lying to my daughter saying he is working away when really he has'nt lived with me for a year because of this stupid drug. I saw it as we were not enough and he said its nothing like that but its hard to believe when your so down trodden comparing yourself to a powder. The last couple of weeks have'nt been easy hes trying to deal with all these suppressed emotions and anger seems to be the main one hes struggling with his mouth can be very vicious sometimes and to be honest I dont think I can take anymore I have been through enough everytime its like a knife in the heart. I know this sounds daft but if I had a magic wand I would'nt wish for money like most people would, I would wish that he never took this drug and was just normal or even better that it did'nt exist at all. I hate it its ruined my life and my little family. I am so glad he got intouch with you but I doubt he can do this without help he really needs professional help to get rid once and for all. My partner will soon be going on to a drug called natrexone (I think) and its a complete blocker so if he tries to use it will basically kill him, brutal but gives me piece of mind that sounds really bad I know but at least its the end of it all.  I just wanted you to know that your not alone and I really wish you all the best and hope he will sort hiself out for you and his family. Please keep intouch and let me know how your doing and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your daughter for 12 days time xx

kelly6714
15 Aug 2014

So after promiseing me he would go cold turkey i am once again destroyed. He messaged me 1pm this afternoon to say he was in bed dope sick i told him how proud i was. At 4pm i get a message saying he loves me and the children but he is weak and hates himself he wished me goodbye and wishes the world goodbye. I called the police who sent an ambulance to his flat he wasnt there. The police are currently searching for him we have no idea if hes dead or alive. Heroin is a monster that rips and destroys lifes and families. I hate it.

sk
15 Aug 2014

I am so sorry to hear once again he is putting you through hell, I really hope he will get intouch with you. Its like your trapped because you have to try and be normal for the kids but inside the pain is unbearable just like a knife been twisted over and over again. Why is it they think its ok to act like this.

I have noticed that over the past year I have started having panic attacks and really bad anxiety which I have never suffered with before I class myself to be quite a happy person generally, this is the only place where I can actually speak my mind and let it all out due to where I work I am unable to seek professional help because I am embarrassed that people will find out the truth but I have got used to that.

just thankful for this website.

please keep intouch I hope he's ok and gets the professional help he needs. Heroin is the devil in disguise. 

Take care x

kelly6714
16 Aug 2014

He phoned me off his head asking me what all the fuss was about like he didnt have a care in the world and for the first time ever i actually yelled at him i told him i was fed up with him taking something to take all the pain away and leaving us with more pain than ever. After i put the phone down i heard my daughter sobbing uncontrolably she misses her daddy. As i held her and explained daddy loves you very much but his brain is so so poorly i really realised this cant continue. The man i love is gone. I cant make him come back. I shall grieve and be broken hearted over that man not the selfish, lyeing manipulative person who can hear his daughter screaming in the background and not even give a damn. I now owe it to my children to build a life without him without drugs before he causes ever lasting damage. Sk thank you for all your help and support. I know my story wont end here. Please continue.to let me know of your husbands progress.

sk
16 Aug 2014

I am so sorry especially about your little girl maybe one day he will realise just how lucky he was to have you and by that time I hope you have moved on. Maybe I will be forced to do the same my little girl cries all the time when her daddy has to leave after he has visited for a few hours. Still not really convinced that he will suceed in keeping hiself clean this drug has powers beyond belief and trusting him is also really difficult but its my heart that aches like mad when hes not here if I could conquer that then I would be fine. I think because I have been with him for 18yrs its hard to imagine him not in my life at my side (hes not even owt spectaular to be honest) but you cannot help who you fall in love with and unfortunately my heart chose him. I am the same the man I fell in love with disappeared about 15yrs ago he is starting to come back alittle day by day but its a heck of a long journey and one hes going to have to do for the rest of his life.

kelly I really wish you well and hope you stay strong as you are. Your kids are very lucky to have you as their mummy. Please keep intouch and let me know how you are doing and thank you for everything you have also helped me alot xx

sk
18 Aug 2014

Hi just need to get this out.

today I got a text message saying " I need your help I have no money in the bank to pay bills will you help me please" first question was why he only had £139 two days ago so where has it gone so I rang him and guess what he told me he'd spent it on tablets 
(diazepam) I dont get it are we moving from one addiction to another. What am I suppose to do its not heroin but again another nail in the coffin. He says its only to help while he gets rid of leg cramps and its better then using other (emotional blackmail to me). I cannot deal with another addiction should I give up my addiction HIM.

Another kick in the teeth for me and my kids will it ever end so upset and confused just dont know what to think or do. I think if I had the money I would up sticks and leave with the kids and just forget about everyone but in reality I cannot do it. 

I have never took a penny off him for the kids hes never bought a nappy or a pack of wipes anything  I feel like a door mat.

kelly6714
18 Aug 2014

Oh hunny im so sorry. Its heartbreaking isnt it even more so when you feel like youve taken a step forward to then go ten steps back. My opinion could be one of two things the first valium and heroin together intensifies the high did you say he was prescribed a blocker ? It could be that he has used and the heroin alone is having no effect so by mixing it with valium hes trying to get some sort of feeling from the heroin. The prescribed meds should be enough to stop the withdrawels to be honest so if he is still using its likely to be psycological. To give you hope the first time my partner got clean (lasted nine years) he used on top of suboxine for a short while despite getting no feeling from it as he claimed he missed shooting up (gross i know). The programme he was on had therapy where he discussed this feeling and gradually the psycological cravings went to. The other option he is telling the truth, funnily enough my partner messaged me two days ago to say hed taken 200mg of valium to try to kill himself he slept two days straight and now claims he is on day four of being clean cus they helped with the with the withdrawels (like you one step forward i am ready and waiting for the ten steps back). The last option is - he is still using. Unfourtantly only time will tell the truth and i know when your in this situation every minute feels like a lifetime. You can purchase heroin specific drug tests online that will not shoe positive even if he has taken valium they only show positive for heroin and are quite cheap if he has nothing to hide he shouldnt mind. Im guessing you know about enabling and i hope you gave him no money they always say an addict has to reach rock bottom before they are serious about getting help. Ive had times where he has rung me saying hes starving he doesnt want money he wants food you have to say no. The more uncomfortable he is the more likely he is to quit. All i can advise is love from a distance. Try to put him to the back of your mind grieve for him and continue your life as if hed died. I know that sounds odd maybe harsh but its helped me. Let him no you love him and your there for him once hes clean but you will not enable his drug use of any drugs. Then cross your fingers and pray so hard that he does this. I know all this is easier said than done. Take a deep breath and live life for you and the children. Be there for him but dont let him become your life. Move forward - he can either move forward to or move back but no longer let his decisions move you back with him. Be strong. Let me know how this progresses. X

sk
18 Aug 2014

I just dont know what to believe I wish he would just do hiself in so to speak at least then it would all be over but he'd rather torture me because hes selfish. hes not started the blocker yet he has appt next week also has appt with IAPT on 28th aug to help with retraining his mind. Seriously got to stage where I just dont care anymore, how many times am I going to let him do this to me, should I turn the love to hate and despise him. I am going to have a look at these test because I think the ones I bought say they test positive for prescription drugs so like you said not really a true reading for just heroin. I really cannot live like this anymore waiting for him to fail. 

Thank you for replying it just helps so much knowing that someone understands even though I would'nt wish this on my worst enemy. XX

kelly6714
19 Aug 2014

Has he ever been on a programme before ? Only you know if your truely ready to move on without him. Ask yourself this if he did get clean and he remained clean would that be all you wished for in life because there is a chance. If he gets on the programme and is successful would you then kick yourself for giving up when you did. You can try and turn your love into hate i tried but i found its almost like your lyeing to yourself which still makes you misrable. You say youve got to the stage where you dont care anymore if this is true and you can walk away then by all means do it. However your next sentance is about the drug tests suggesting you do care :-/. I know its like living in a nightmare. Why dont you talk to him say you love him but you cant take it anymore tell him you want this programme to work so bad and if it does you will continue your relationship with him if it doesnt that is the end. In the meantime have as little contact as possible. If he calls you wanting money say no these are not the calls im interested in anymore by all means call me and tell me your clean otherwise dont contact me. Tough love is needed. Try not to drown yourself in his addiction that way if he sinks you wont be at the bottom with him if he swims then he will be right there with you x

sk
19 Aug 2014

I do care and love him and yes if he did get clean and stayed clean he would be all i wanted. I just wish i did'nt love him it drives me insane. I have told him today not to contact me anymore because i cannot take it told him i will arrange for him to see kids with his mum presant and in a neutral place not at my house basically. I start work again in september so hopefully wont have the time to miss him its only because i am sat here day in day out on my own that i struggle. Thank you again for being there and making perfect sense. Xx

sk
19 Aug 2014

This is his first time on this programme x

sk
20 Aug 2014

Hi

Even though my partner has been an addict for the length of time he has I have never looked into help for myself until now. I was reading about enabling you mentioned and cannot believe how I fit the profile of an enabler its like the penny finally dropped. I have always been worried about him paying his bills like car insurance n phone bill n other direct debits that when hes said he cannot afford them cus his sick pay does'nt cover (mmmm.......) I straight away have stepped in and paid them " what a complete and utter dickhead I have been" I am typing this with the biggest smile on my face becos tonight I av told him after all these years that his behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated anymore I will no longer enable him to act like this and he must take whatever consequences come with his stupidity and addiction. Wow I feel like I have just grown the biggest pair of balls and stuck em on. 

Amazing thank you so much for your help and words of wisdom.

kelly6714
20 Aug 2014

You havent acted like a dickhead :-) youve acted out of love, but well done you for telling him how it is. My partner finally came to see the children yesterday and asked to do a test he of course failed. He told me sunday he was three days clean he told me yesterday he was three days clean he will probabley be three days clean forever you know how this goes. He told me yesterday hed been to the doctors and been prescribed tablets for seziures (hes never had a fit i know off) of course i googled them and they to can be abused i asked how he managed to get into the doctors so quick (normally you have to wait weeks for an appoitment) i asked to see the box with his name and address on it, he said he put it in the bin. You see thats the trouble with an addict isnt it he could be telling the truth and thats what we hope but as you learn and move forward i can tell myself that he most probably isnt telling the truth. I let that empower me now that his lies will no longer get under my skin yes it still hurts like mad but they wont destroy me. Its funny how our stories are so similer day by day, its funny how addicts all do and say the same things. My friend has asked me out for dinner thursday as my mum is having the girls over night. My partner begged me not to go saying the thought of me going out will make him want to use. You know what that is his choice i shall go out to dinner and turn my phone off. But you know how this is i shall spend friday rapt in guilt and picking up the pieces because i love him xx

sk
20 Aug 2014

i really really hope you go out with your friend you deserve the break you know your girls will be well looked after and as for him its like you say its his choice i am sure if you would'nt have been going out he would still make the same choice. They never fail to make you feel guilty do they? its like a magic power they have. Sounds like the 10 steps back you where waiting to come, chances are hes probably bought them. They always have an excuse dont they.  we must be living parallell lives. my partner been today he looked well he'd also been to gp to get sick note and managed to get prescription for diazepam bet he dint tell them he'd bought some tho. he told me he was scared with what i said to him about not tolerating his behaviour think he knows i am deadly serious told him if he spends it i am not putting it back cannot believe how different i feel today and thats all thanks to you never had this support before its made me stronger. 

i work in a gp practice and believe me they dont prescribe tablets like that with no evidence he would need hosp test and diagnosis etc before they would even consider prescribing it has to come from a speciqlist

sk
20 Aug 2014

sorry pressed submit button too early. Hope u enjoy your meal please forgive spelling, typin this on a very little phone x

please keep intouch speak soon and again a big THANK U xx

kelly6714
20 Aug 2014

Its helped me to speaking to you i look forward to your replies. My partner is to looking better i put that down to being six days clean now i know he is only three days supposedly clean he looks a bit to well if you get my meaning !. I looked the tablets up and apparently.if taken with heroin it can intensify the high or they can be used to help with withdrawel who knows the truth. They are called gabapentin not sure if thats the correct spelling. Tomorrow is day five of his so called not using everything i have read says heroin will definitly be out your system five days max. He is still testing positive today no doubt will tomorrow to although it will kill me. The constant dissapointment is whats so hard and there so convincing. I shall let you know how tomorrows test goes.as he still swears blind saturday was his last use day. Excuse the spelling mistakes im typeing quickly on a break at work. All the best.xx

sk
20 Aug 2014

no idea whats happening with this blog tonite but just typed an essay and its gone dissapeared forever but if it does turn up no doubt it wil be on 5 times lol. i was just saying that gabapentin is serious stuff even people who.have seizures cannot have it because of how it affects them so i doubt very much gp will have prescribed it but you never know.

yes please do let me know how you go with test tomorrow. how did he manage to stop before?? and if hes done it once then surely he can do it again!!

kelly6714
20 Aug 2014

Hello :-) The first time he stopped was with a drug reabilitation order through the courts and he did a programme with methadone and suboxine. It was tough really tough for both of us. Drug tested him this evening and he passed the test was negative for opiates i felt so proud. There are still alot of trust issues i need to work on and as an addict the temptation is always there but from those few steps back weve had a giant leap forward. Please keep in touch about your husband your friendship has been invaluable.

sk
21 Aug 2014

Oh thank god I feel so happy for you. Just goes to show they can tell the truth. I know exactly what you mean with the trust issues I was constantly worrying when he nipped out if hes going elsewhere or if he took too long on the toilet it was that bad, but defo feel we are moving in the right direction so far me with my new found strength and you with a clean drug test. 

Really hope he can stick to it. Let me know how you are doing and yes likewise with the friendship makes a change to speak to someone with hope u are a real credit to this site and to him I hope he knows that.

take care speak soon x

kelly6714
21 Aug 2014

Morning sk he is still taking the gabapentin claiming they are prescribed but for now i am happy that the opiate test is negative. And yes its true you find yourself wondering why there in the shower so long and listening while there in a toilet. I am not ready for him to move back yet he needs to show me now that he wants his family back. I have told him if he wants to continue to see the girls he will have to pee when i say pee if he refuses to take a drug test randomly i will assume he has used. I spoke to my partner about your husband and he said that nurexone (know idea how to spell it) is an implant similier to the contraceptive implant which is good as it means hes not able to remove it. Apparently its a complete blocker so if he uses he will nothing from it. My partner said to me it will feel like hes no longer in love or a relationship with the drug. There is a risk of od as he may take loads of heroin to try to feel something but it blocks the effects to the brain and the pyscological aspects will be delt with. At least once he has the implant you can rest assured that his mind will no longer be filled with heroin but once again filled with thoughts of you. The road is always rocky with an addict but i have every faith in your husbands ability to get clean and i cant think of anyone more deserving than yourself to have your wish come true. X

sk
21 Aug 2014

morning i understand what you are saying about the gabapentin anything is better then heroin and one step at a time. i am the same about him moving back in words are not enough actions speak louder to me and he also has to prove he is worthy of me and his kids. really happy for you and the kids you also deserve to be happy and tell him thanks for the.heads up on the natrexone implant. jus going to let him get on with it now i feel like my addiction is.now over like i have let go of all the stress and anxiety that surrounds it not saying that it does'nt hurt becos you know more then anyone it does. 
i will never be able to thank you enough for your. help and support. please keep me updated on how you are. speak soon x

nitty
21 Aug 2014

I totally understand what u said about its like grieving for the person that was before I feel that way about my boyfriend of 4 years a cocaine addict I've lost him to a drug and I would rather be cheated on than feel this pain and it's never ending, hope u and your kids are okay xxx

nitty
21 Aug 2014

I totally understand what u said about its like grieving for the person that was before I feel that way about my boyfriend of 4 years a cocaine addict I've lost him to a drug and I would rather be cheated on than feel this pain and it's never ending, hope u and your kids are okay xxx

sk
21 Aug 2014

Hi kelly hope u are enjoying a meal tonight have fun speak soon xx

kelly6714
22 Aug 2014

Hi sk i really should listen to my own advice i told my friend i was ill and went to see my partner we went out had something to eat and a few drinks big mistake !!! Its almost like now he is off the drugs hes gone back to his happy go lucky self no remorse for everything he put me through and all my anger came tumbling out i bought up the fact he cheated on me and he said why you bringing that up now for. I said because i havent had time to deal with it ive been to worried about you. His reply i dont need this hassle in my life right now im trying to heal its like you want me back on the drugs because all you do is stress me out !! - seriously he has no idea of the ever lasting damage he has done to us and his family. Then he started waffling on about how the gabapentin has made him feel great he feels like he could take on the world at which point i made my excuses and let kicking myself for not enjoying seeing my friend. Have you heard anymore from your husband ? Where abouts in the country are you xx

kelly6714
22 Aug 2014

Hi sk i really should listen to my own advice i told my friend i was ill and went to see my partner we went out had something to eat and a few drinks big mistake !!! Its almost like now he is off the drugs hes gone back to his happy go lucky self no remorse for everything he put me through and all my anger came tumbling out i bought up the fact he cheated on me and he said why you bringing that up now for. I said because i havent had time to deal with it ive been to worried about you. His reply i dont need this hassle in my life right now im trying to heal its like you want me back on the drugs because all you do is stress me out !! - seriously he has no idea of the ever lasting damage he has done to us and his family. Then he started waffling on about how the gabapentin has made him feel great he feels like he could take on the world at which point i made my excuses and let kicking myself for not enjoying seeing my friend. Have you heard anymore from your husband ? Where abouts in the country are you xx

sk
22 Aug 2014

Its so annoying is'nt it. its like they have no sense of what they are like whilst on the drugs and just expect that you can handle whatever they do to you without even a mention of sorry. its all about them all the time. my partner rang me yestetday i have'nt been ringing him at all left it him to contact me and if he does'nt i just think oh well. This gabapentin sounds like a substitute does'nt it i wonder what he would be like without them mmmmm..... i live in south yorkshire, sheffield, whereabouts are you? xx. Really sorry that things did'nt go to plan xx

sk
23 Aug 2014

morning hope you are ok xx

kelly6714
23 Aug 2014

Hi sk im ok thank you. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday so her dad is coming tonight for a drug test. This time he has to pee in front of me (the lenghts we go to) he has of course bought his daughter nothing but i have agreed the gifts i got can be from us both and i got him a card to her. This is for her benefit not his. Hope you are ok and forgot to say im in southampton x

kelly6714
23 Aug 2014

Hi sk im ok thank you. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday so her dad is coming tonight for a drug test. This time he has to pee in front of me (the lenghts we go to) he has of course bought his daughter nothing but i have agreed the gifts i got can be from us both and i got him a card to her. This is for her benefit not his. Hope you are ok and forgot to say im in southampton x

sk
23 Aug 2014

glad your ok. yes the things we do to protect the children. hope he passes the test for the sake of your daughter. hope she has a lovely birthday and you have a peaceful day. i dont blame you for making him do it in front of you, you have to be sure. my partner turned up at house yesterday unannounced told him hes to ring he cannot.just show up because it upsets my daughter when he has to leave again. i will make sure he learns one day. he needs to consider other peoples feelings instead of thinking of hiself. ( be strange for him to do that for a change). Anyway have a lovely day tomorrow. speak soon let me know how he goes on with his test xx

kelly6714
24 Aug 2014

Ok sk its shit really shit excuse the swearing but im so mad/hurt/confused right now. So i collect him yesterday evening day before my daughters birthday he seems fine but does say he has sickness bug. He takes some imodium says hes feeling a little better. He stays the night on sofa to be there when ouour daughter opens her presents in the morning. I hear him being sick in toilet at night. He wakes up this morning i remind him about drug test he quite happily goes and does it then comes down and days its positive he genuinly seemed surprised (bearing in mind ive had clear tests for over a week now). He says he doesnt understand i say whay about imodium he says no that wont effect it we google sure enough it can SOMETIMES cause false positives. Fast forward an hour he says he feels worst noisy kids driving him mad he wants to go home so i take him home ruining the day. Now um sat here wondering if hes telling the truth or did he use knowing he cud use imodium as an excuse and was the sickness withdrawels explaining why he left. But with clear tests for over a week he must not have used for ages plus he.looks.so much better god i hate this

sk
24 Aug 2014

Sounds like you have had a day as bad as mine, its so difficult to say whether he is or is'nt telling the truth you want so bad to believe them but its always there eating away at you its like never ending doubt and its hard for them if they are telling the truth to prove their innocence so its a lose lose situation for you, I am always over analising situations like that constantly thinking the worst if hes too long nipping to shops it just eats away at you all the time. They get their head sorted and we just live as a shell expected to deal with it without any help and its still all about them. I had quite a good day up until about 10pm when he rang me to say hes smashed his car into a bus not his fault apparently bus was stationery and he was overtaking (on his way to see me allegedly) thought I'd be sumat to do with it, and another car came out of nowhere at speed so he had no option but to hit bus or have head on he thinks they will rite it off but he has no money to pay excess its just one things after another with him and it pisses me off worst of all my car broke down yesterday so got to have that fixed aswell and its a bank holiday suprised I am not grey eith all this shit. Thing is I know how he drives hes erratic I very rarely go in car with him because of how he drives. I can see what hes done hes took a massive risk trying to beat other oncoming car and not made it. Then when I went mad at him asking how he wil afford to pay for it he said oh well dont bother asking how I am thanks for that  he said, the cheeky f##ker after all hes done he has cheek to say that to me told him I had to go at that point otherwise I would have said something I would regret. So now I am too sat here wondering what to do while the kid sleep. Its just all crap is'nt it. Sorry to rant at you but think I would go crazy if I did'nt have you to speak to. 

Only thing I can say is can you test him again in couple of days did it say how long it stayed in body for immodium. I just don't know I am so sorry that your day did'nt go as planned yet again just hope your daughter had a nice birthday and hope he is telling the truth. 

If it helps there is a sickness and diarrhoea bug going round sheffield at the moment so maybe he is genuine take care speak soon xx

sk
24 Aug 2014

Sorry forgot to add,The only thing I could say to him was like I told him if he would have rang me I would'nt have been in anyway so he would'nt have needed to come over. So frigging pissed off with him any words of wisdom from you would be appreciated but just dont say at least hes ok (Lol) xx

kelly6714
24 Aug 2014

I would say get your car fixed and when he cant afford to fix his car and buys a bicycle make sure to drive past him when its raining through the biggest puddle ever looking smug ;-)... in all seriousness though what a selfish thing to do he could have been hurt which is just more stress for you. I actually cant say weather addicts are all incredibly selfish or we just picked incredibly self centered men mine didnt seem to improve on that front when he was clean everything is my fault. He once blamed the crappy weather on me because whenever i take.time off work it pours.down would be quite funny if it wasnt for the fact he was deadly serious. Why cant we love decent caring men we really should hate them but we dont. How is he doing on the drug front ?

kelly6714
24 Aug 2014

Its been going through my head today i may help him get clean and sort his life out for him to decide to go off with another women because thats pretty much all the thanks i would get. Shame you live so far away im sure we would have a great natter a few tears and some laughs over a cuppa or three xx

sk
25 Aug 2014

Oh you make me laugh just what I needed. Think we would probably need a thousand tea bags for our problems. They are unreal are'nt they you just could'nt bottle it could you the corkers they come out with and as for blaming you for the weather well priceless we should do the mastercard adverts we would be rite good at em lol. I can see why you would be insecure about that and add to the selfishness then yeah I would be the same. I know when some go on these residential ones that can last up to 12 month they can never go back its like witness protection programme. This is what I am saying about not dealing with your own issues yours just get brushed under carpet because you have to deal with theirs all the pissing time. The drug front he seems to be ok still on prescribed diazepam from his gp but whats happened with crash today jus baffled me cus where he said it happened was not really on the way to mine well it was but very strange way of going and when I questioned him he said he always goes that way but not convinced but then again he has no cash and I have his bank card so no way of getting any but who knows sick of thinking of all different scenarios my brain actually hurts thats if there is one in there. I would love the fairy tale ending or even begining or middle would be good fact is they are jus shit heads and yes we should defo hate them but its thwt stupid thing called an heart that attaches to someone  and makes you love em ( god dam it)  he has always been selfcentered too remember when we first got together bought him a ring with our names etched inside he went mad because i told him I was'nt going up that night and he planned time with his friends should have ran then but at 14 yrs old I was besotted same when I bought him some diamond earrings out of my bonus from work he made me take them back because I bought him wrong ones he said I should have waited til he was there cus I always get it wrong so always been selfish ungrateful git god when I think back hes a right twat really. Thank you again for just making me laugh n destressing jus for being you really. Its my birthday soon that will be fun be poundland not that I would'nt be grateful for anything but sometimes he even used to sigh n says oh god I'VE GOT YOUR BIRTHDAY TO PAY FOR ASWELL I was like well its same date every year and oh by the way sorry for being born why dont you just go n hit my mum with a brick for having me lol x

sk
25 Aug 2014

Just wanted to say aswel I have never seen so much stuff on tv a lately about addiction I mean what is happening usually there is nothing and now its on everyday think with robbin williams dying that kicked it all off. X

sk
25 Aug 2014

oh n very last thing guess where it all is the stuff i bought him aswel as some of mine that he "borrowed" cus i was'nt wearing them. Pawn shop suprise suprise so if its not fecking glued down he wil take it and probably sniff the glue aswel x not funny really but if u dont laugh all thats left to do is cry. Never thought he would do owt like that to me but an addict is an addict through n through x nite x well should be saying morning seen as tho its 1:30 am x

kelly6714
25 Aug 2014

Hello my lovely, hope your ok today :-). So my not so better half (as i shall now refer to him) rang me this morning. Due to still being so mad about the imodium/ruined birthday situtation i toyed with the idea of ignoring the phone call but my heart informed me that this may be the call where he is ringing to inform me that he realises hes a retard and treats me badly he has become a brain surgoen would like to get married and has bought horses so we can ride off happily ever after into the sunset. It wasnt. He phoned to ask if i was cooking a roast hes hungry (bank holiday tradition) i say yes. He says can i pick him up its raining. My brain says no walk you friggin idiot my voice says yes. We get back here i make him a cuppa and give him a test. He passes so i guess the imodium story was true. Then he sits his arse on the sofa watching tv while i cook roast / tidy up / feed the baby / change nappies / entertain bored 8 year old/ deal with dog / wave tea towel dementedly at fire alarm from burnt roast due to above. He doesnt move all day except at 7pm to say the kids winging is stressing him out can i please take him home. Now bear in mind this is only a 20 minute car journey but as you know with kids in tow we may as well be going on a round the world trip. Shoes, coats, hats, blankies, drinks, snacks, duvet (the 8 year old insisted). Finally get home and he sends me a message saying hes exhausted ha haha ha ha SERIOUSLY !!! So heres my new dilemia like i said we had ten happy years together before his relapse (i say happy he was still a lazy selfish so and so but like you my heart chose him). Anyways as you know he moved in with his boss when i found out he was useing again his boss only charges him 150 a month so less than he was paying here. Today made me think what reason does he have to come home he has the best of both worlds me here cooking cleaning looking after the kids at his beak and call and he has his own place to chill and relax when it gets to much. Were falling into a pattern of mon - thur hes living life life a single guy fri, sat and sun hes here what possible reason would he want to come back. But this isnt a relationship i  dont want a part time boyfriend / dad. Bloody hell by making him move out ive shot myself in the foot again. How come they always come out smelling of roses. 
Know exactly what you mean i bought him a onesie (he actually did want one) went to loads of effort to get the one he described, he opens it - and says well its not exactly right but it will have to do... Maybe we should treat them how they treat us and see if they like it. 
I Wonder if the dimazipan had anything to do with the driving ? Are you allowed to drive on that as it makes you very sleepy. Its awful isnt it when you try to find answers to questions that they wont tell you ot goes round and round your head until your brain hurts and your none the wiser. Why they cant just tell the truth i dont know. I hope you have a very happy birthday you derve it xxx

kelly6714
25 Aug 2014

Deserve it sorry writing on phone really small screen so spelling and puncuation terrible xx

sk
25 Aug 2014

Hi kelly well what can I say I have just nearly pee'd my pants laughing at your post nothing to do with the non existing pelvic muscles from my two 9lb 4oz babies honest lol. I am really starting to think that maybe we are seeing the same bloke cannot believe how much alike they are I think they could be brothers or sumat or its an addict thing. Really dont want to be competitive with you but check this out my partner moved back in with his mum who knocks on his door in a morning with tea and biscuits and cooks him meals and waites on him hand and foot so when he comes here he is the exact same never helps always says how exhausted he is and how hard it is for him to split his time evenly between them when baby cries and older one wants to do things like paint worst thing is when he shouts at her for pestering sorry but mr 2-4 hours every other day you do not have that right. He does'nt pay anything to his mum she wont take it off him and he does'nt pay anything here either I dont want him thinking I need him for anything so your right they do get best of both worlds, I am lucky to grab a quick shower at night time never mind be able to relax and sleep they are just unreal words escape me. He rang me today to say he gets a courtesy car for 48hrs while they take his away he was actually abit excited a bucket of shit n roses does come to mind I really wanted him to suffer but I suppose that will come mwhahaha, he ended by saying how much he misses me n kids and he loves me the only thing I said back was" yeah I love me too" his mum does my head in tho always texting me with how much he loves me n misses me i have a better relationship with her then him, I jus say yes he loves me that much its you thats texting to tell me. She says I have to trust him otherwise he will never get through this I have got to stop thinking bad all the time (cheek!!!) Told her I would'nt trust him as far as I could throw him and its not her thats had her jewellery pawned and stolen money out of bank account so dont tell me I need to start trusting him, she was'nt really impressed I dont think but sick of pussy footing around em. He said apparently he did'nt take diazepam cus he knew he was driving you see his tolerance for drugs is really high because of addiction so not alot affects him I am just struggling with his storey of how things happened I just think he took a massive risk n it did'nt work for the sake of a two minute wait ( what a bell end). That brain surgeon bit so funny best bit of all is we would go and accept the proposal lol. 

Thanks for the laugh you crease me up and the birthday wishes just hope it wont be to much of an inconvenience for him I will probably have to buy him a pressie so he does'nt feel left out. 

Take care xx

sk
25 Aug 2014

By the way surely the boss wont want him there for much longer 150 is'nt alot its more then nothing like lol Does the boss know why hes there the real reason I mean you always have that to fall back on just ring boss anonymously make sure u put sumat over your mouth to sound muffled and withhold your number sorted jobs a good un. Infact give me bosses number and I will do it for you. I supprise myself sometimes with these master plans lol x 

oh n RIP to the roast was it chicken, pig or cow no I am sure it tasted devine. I have a visit wednesday hes got appt at docs wed pm and another with iapt on friday so we will see what happens with them.

oh just remembered sumat else vodafone network been down for a week n he asked me to go to meadowhall n ask em why well you can imagine what I said it had alot of f's in it cheeky git tho yes I will drag our two children out in the pissing rain to ask why your bill is high and you cannot ring em, would'nt mind but I have to take the children wherever I go when he goes anywhere it makes him disabled if I ask him to take kids he like oh it dunt matter I will leave it, told him before they are not your adoptive children you are not a baby sitter thats how it feels to me he can go when he pleases yet I feel I cannot just leave them with him I have to ask all the time then he pulls faces. I could have sworn he helped me create them x

sk
27 Aug 2014

Hi matey hope u are ok xx

kelly6714
27 Aug 2014

Morning :-)... so the girls are still soundo but the dog (I should say the not so better halves dog) insisted on standing by my head barking until i got up. There is a story with the dog to (there are always stories with our men arnt there). Artur is a seven month old shar pei puppy. TNSBH (new abbriviation for not so better half) insisted we get a dog i said no way what with the baby and that. Anyway he begged and pleaded swore he would walk it feed it train it blah blah blah. So we get a dog. Now i dont know if you are familier with the breed but i swear he is no normal dog he is like 1/4 dog, 1/4 walrus, 1/4 hippo and 1/4 pig hes awful and very ill mannered. All joking aside he is hard work chews everything, snaps, knocks everything over. Plus once september hits he will home alone for 12 hours a day between work school and childminders. So i decided to rehome him (sounds simple) five families have taken him and returned him because well hes horrible. So now i am stuck with his dog who is more hard work to look after than the kids. He publically messaged me on fb asking me not to put the dog down just so everyone would think bad of me and feel sorry for him !! 
I agree they are probabley twins i get what you mean with the faces. When the baby cries he actually makes this face like a mixture of irratation and pain. Its quite sad really the amount of times my 8 year old goes to give him a cuddle and hes like sienna i cant see the telly. Moments like that i would like to punch him in the face. Hard.
His boss doesnt know the reason hes there he thinks its because of his one night stand which i will add is also my fault because i didnt give him enough attention, dress up and do my make up enough, always tired and didnt show him enough love. Im also not allowed to dwell or discuss his infedelity because the guilt HE feels makes him want to use TNSBH's exact words.
Im not seeing him again until Friday. I have decided i cannot force him to come home. I dont want him crawling back tail between his legs i want him to come home because he loves and misses me. Although i wonder sometimes if there capable of real love. Sometimes i think the years of abuse have damaged there brains beyond repair that they no longer feel any real emotion. He never seems happy or sad or excited just well miserable to be honest. When there clean i think we expect them to suddenly change but there still the same idiots as before.
I did laugh at the tea and biscuits i wonder if she gives them to him on a saucer. I hope he gets crumbs in the bed and cant sleep for the itcyness of a digestive.
TNSBH also stole out my bank account back at the beginning of our relationship. I can only take 250 a day out on my card. He stole the card and took 250 out just before midnight and another 250 out just after leaving me with nothing.Were not allowed to discuss  that either yep youve guessed it the guilt makes him want to use. Maybe i should try that line. I can imagine it now. Him: whats for dinner ? Me: i havent done dinner... Him: Why not ? Im hungry.. Me: well the thought of dinner makes me want to drink 20 bottles of wine !!!! They really are ridiculous specimens. 
I hope his courtersy car breaks down. And i hope he has to push it, prefrebley up hill at great speed. Let me know how is appoitment goes. As much as we moan we love them and its all very heartbreaking but like you say laughing is better than crying and you have definitley saved a few of my tears and for that i am grateful xxx

sk
27 Aug 2014

Dogs are like children and yes I do know  that breed and know they take alot of looking after cannot believe he put that statement on facebook I mean what a dick. Thing is I dont know about you but after having the kids my body has completely changed and my confidence is low so for me after it was lights out,curtains shut, cracks sealed  and covers on and thats even if I had the energy after all the palaver. They should love us fat, thin make up, no make up looking like shit covered in baby sick they should love us regardless we have given them there children we sacrafice our bodies and what do they sacrafice absolutely nothing they dont even get up to feed them. My partner said to me its not fair that you get nine months off with kids and I can only have 4 weeks you dont realise how lucky you are. Yes I am so lucky my privates are failing out I am in absolute agony my baby has colic I have to take elder one to school regardless of how I feel we have to agonising periods smears mamagrams (when that time comes) yeah really lucky us, plus the fact that he had already been off sick for 4 months at this time I mean really. Told him yesterday how selfish he was said I sit back and think about all the stuff I have bought him and done for him and cannot think of one time he just turned round and said thanks his reply was well dont just think about it from your point of view think about the horrid thing you have said to me ( its all about them) I said only reason I said things to him is because of how hes hurt me in first place its just like we will never win. He comes over and sits and plays on his phone on my wifi instead of spending time with his kids I dont know about your TNSBH but mine has to have the latest technology phones, computers, tv's etc and cannot afford to pay for them it gets me do mad hes the only one that does'nt work but has everything in theblatest

sk
27 Aug 2014

latest technology that was suppose to say until it decided to submit on its own. Why does'nt he take the dog he wanted it. Who knows whats going to happen hopefully one day we will both be happy might not even be with these men we can live in hope I suppose. I will let you know how he goes on, hes only got car for two days so after tomorrow no car i cannot wait he needs to see how hard it is without one and face consequences of his actions and that is without taking kids with him not like me having to take them everywhere. I just dread if anything ever happened to me what would happen to them. Scarey x

take care xx

sk
27 Aug 2014

another stressful visit god he does'nt even av to do anything n i wanna punch his face in. been to docs dint ask owt about nowt got his meds n hes happy wat a dick.

kelly6714
27 Aug 2014

We should line them up next to each other and take it in turns to swing for them. Mine phoned me to ask if he left his best top here hes going out for the evening while i deal with teething baby and wingy 8 year old. I said yes you did leave it here would you like me to wash it iron it and drive it to you (i was being sarcastic) his reply no dont worry ill wear something else. Like you say what a nob x

kelly6714
27 Aug 2014

This is awful to say but when there using they course so much pain. Then they get clean and theres no remorse nothing there just  happy as larry. I think thats were my annoyance lies at the moment i want him to hurt how he hurt me instead im stuck in with kids while he swans around. I just hope karma is true !

sk
27 Aug 2014

i agree completely thats where it lies with me too. he was going on about a car hes seen its a mazda rx8 or sumat like that told him no way he could'nt afford corsa never mind sporty number n do u know what he said the cheeky b#@#**d well you would'nt be interested would you cus its sumat i want. :-O i wanted to drive a knife straight into him. the selfish horrid get!!!! why why why do we put up wiv there shit i am fuming x

sk
28 Aug 2014

Spiteful, self centered, ungrateful, uncaring, specimen of a man if you can call  him a man thats how I am feeling today I hate the fact that when hes says " what do yo want I am tired" over the phone to me.  I look after our two children 24/7 youngest is poorly at min stressed up to my eyeballs n have all his shit on top and he can say that to me. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I must have done something really bad in a past life to deserve this shit. Like you say they can do whatever they want go out whenever sleep whenever chill out ehenever

sk
28 Aug 2014

and live in la la land while we live in the reality of constant pain caused by them and exhaustion. I am so pissed off really needed to just get this out sorry for swearing etc but OH MY GOD I FUCKING HATE HIM RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!

kelly6714
28 Aug 2014

Take a deep breath i know it doesnt seem like it now but you one day your children will realise what a great mum you are and how shit he is that is when you will get your rewards. Its tough i know TNSBH phoned me drunk having a whale of a time in a club while i was knackered trying to get baby asleep, get older one into bed and cleaning up dog shit which kids had trodden across carpet. I told him the pissing dog has to go. He says your always so uptight you need to chill its just a dog. I have a good mind to deliver dog plus two children in cages an leave them outside his front door !!! Its funny isnt it we hate them but we love them. Maybe were in love with the idea of making them perfect i dont know. Anyways i was annoyed i joined a dating site i have no intention of meeting anyone but made me feel better having other men to talk to kinda felt like i was sticking two fingers up at him. Im worrying about finances at the mo and hes pissing his up a wall giving me nothing for the kids. True losers thats what they are xxx

sk
28 Aug 2014

thats what i am starting to think that my love is confused with the man i want him to be the man he was before hes here now laid on floor infront of our son n daughter asleep and all i want to do is get a knife out of block n slit his throat powerful words but god just want pain to end really struggling today think because lil one been up through nite so really tired. They ant got a clue they just do a part time father job thats all they are part time parents n its pathetic n it pisses me off. thanks for reply i have too been accused of being a stress head but what do they expect all the shit we av to put up with supprised i am not in nut house. oh wait a minute that would mean a little attention on me thats no allowed is it.

kelly6714
28 Aug 2014

You should go get a marker pen and write TWAT on his forehead while hes asleep then just go about your business. Hed have to wait for his mum to ask him why hes a twat ;-) x

kelly6714
28 Aug 2014

You should go get a marker pen and write TWAT on his forehead while hes asleep then just go about your business. Hed have to wait for his mum to ask him why hes a twat ;-) x

sk
28 Aug 2014

oh i love ur way of thinking lol. thank u so much u sure know how to cheer me up x

sk
29 Aug 2014

Hi kelly well I am sat at my kitchen table crying my eyes out while he sits n laughs to family guy on tv. I am waiting for daylight hours to come. I agreed he could stay just for one night due to his appt for iapt tomoz and low n behold hes demanding money so he can buy tablets for his diazepam addiction and becos I wont give him anything I am the worst person in the world not that his words hurt me anymore he disgusts me. he has'nt acknowledged his kids and I think the time has come to let go I will never be enough for him neither wil his kids we dont look like a diazepam with 10mg on printed on us. so now I have to try n sleep thinking that as soon as my eyes shut he wil steal something I have my purse down my knickers (seriously) and my car keys in my bra. Told him he needs to stay away he is'nt strong enough to do this but its me thats the problem if only I would go to the bank at midnight or even better give him my bank card  (its not happening). I know now that he cannot be bothered about me no man would sit n watch his partner sobbing surely n there u go he can its confirmation for me to let him go I cannot do this anymore. Thank u kelly for being u I wil speak to u soon xx

kelly6714
29 Aug 2014

Oh sk im so so sorry. I know how your feeling and its the worst pain imaginable worst than someone dyeing knowing you have lost them even though there still there. I am suprised the doctor prescribed them if they know he has a history of abusive purely because they are so addictive in themselves. If he has run out im guessing he hasnt been sticking to the stated dose maybe this why he wrote car off and was asleep on your floor. An addict does love but he loves the pills more. They become before everything else. You will always hope that never goes. If you have truely decided to move on then give yourself time to grieve and i know its a cliche but time really is the best healer. You will be happy again i promise you that please continue to keep in touch and dont feel bad or guilty for feeling the way you do its perfectly normal. Wish you werent so far away id give you a massive hug x

sk
29 Aug 2014

wish u were closer too could really do wiv a hug. i just know after last nite things are bad and fact is it cannot be fixed. Cannot live this way told him i dont want to see him anymore. he cannot remember much from last nite but my scars are visable from what he acted like n said n i cannot carry he expects that he can say what he wants n then claim he cannot remember well its not happening anymore why should i be mentally tortured he can go fuck hiself i am so angry n hurt rite now. x keep intouch x

sk
29 Aug 2014

Hi feeling abit calmer now I think its because hes gone and I can sleep knowing that everything is safe and I can switch off. He has text me tonite to say that he loves me and his babies and he will fight for us, to be honest its just empty words heard it all before blah, blah, blah. Told him I hated him earlier but truth is I just feel numb honestly its strange. He went to his iapt appointment hes got another next week (he will not be staying here thats for sure) he said it was good really opened his eyes (talkin to his mummy) he was gone for a good hour n half  I did'nt ask him anything about it  I was to hurt n angry with him and still am. Anyway enough about this rubbish how has your day been x better then mine I hope x

kelly6714
30 Aug 2014

Well you know how there twins and all and we seem to leave the same life. I picked TNSBH up yesterday evening for him to stay the weekend. The drug tests are still negative for heroin but hes still taking gabapentin. We get back here and straight off hes like whats for dinner i say bolognase. Hes like to you have any wine im like i Said i think theres a bottle of white in the fridge he looks in and says oh i dont like that cheap stuff. Now this is coming from a person who doeant have a penny to his name. I cleaned the house yesterday top to bottom as i new he would be over. Then he started moaning at the 8 year old at which point i glared at him. He said well someone needs to have some authority in this house your clearly not coping. Well that was it i say red how dare he walk in here and moan about everything from the fact i used value tinned toms in dinner to the fact i have no wifi when its cus his bloody behaviour has left me so skint. What a joke. He also asked me why i seemed stressed and tired. Then like you it hit me.. im not even sure i love him anymore. I dont know im so confused.its almost like i dont want him but the thought of him happy with someone else kills me. Maybe i love him and hate him at the same time. Is that even possible. Right now i think hes a selfish pig and i know i deserve so much better. He says he loves me but there just words. I think i resent him to much for all he has put me through and i think he resents me for copeing so well. Its like the relationship has died and we both feel it but we hang on for some reason. I havent slept all night no doubt the bags under my eyes will be 10 times worst today. Im actually dreading spending the day with him but if he wasnt here id miss him. What a mess.

sk
30 Aug 2014

They are unreal. They think they can walk in and criticise you when its you that looks after the kids, the house (the dog) and they have the cheek to tell you to your face your not coping and kids need authority well sorry but kids need someone they can look up to as a father not a drug addict who just pops in a few days a week to make mummys life hell. Its like they dont recognise their part at all the only reason things are the way they are is because of there habbit but they just dont see it they are oblivious to the whole situation. I have got to the point where I am just going to do my own thing and not contact or see him at all I just dont see the point anymore. Its like you said the thought of them being with someone else is unimaginable but at the same time what life do we have. Bet they would gladly move on with no problems while we would have to grieve for ages. Its jus so difficult because like you said its like the relationship is dead but neither of you dare end it for good. Do you think that the kids play a big part because you want so bad to be a family and for them to grow up in a stable environment with a mum and dad. I dunno I suppose only time will tell .

let me know how you get on. Speak soon xx

kelly6714
1 Sep 2014

Hi sk just dropping in to see how you are nothings changed this end hes still a twat im still confused. Hope your all good sweetie xx

sk
1 Sep 2014

Hi kelly 

no change at this end either hes text me saying how much he loves me n hes nothing without me blah blah blah,  but I have'nt messaged him back cannot be arsed to be honest. I was thinking of you wondering how your weekend had gone with him and the kids but obviously its just same old same old for the both of us. His mum keeps texting me saying how worried she is about me and the kids being on our own but fact is I am alot less stressed out on my own and thats what I told her aswel. 

Speak soon 

xxx

sk
2 Sep 2014

Hi just wondered how you where getting on, hope your ok. X

kelly6714
4 Sep 2014

Hi sk sweetie how are you. Things the same this end. He said hed come round tuesday to see the kids then phoned me to say hed come over after the pub to which i replied no point the kids will be in bed. Im hearing less from him now. I always wonder about another girl and drugs he always asures me neither are an issue. Hope ur all good x

sk
5 Sep 2014

Hi its so nice to hear from you, I am fine thank you I cannot believe he would want to go to pub rather then see his kids but it does'nt suprise me because its all about them being first after all. Its my birthday tomoz so going to treat myself to some bareminerals foundation to hide my tired dull skin from all the stress lol I will just need to put it on with a shovel. Do you think he is seeing someone else surely he would'nt do that but then again they are good at kicking you when your down. Anyway feck em who needs em anyway. Stay strong n keep intouch matey xx

kelly6714
6 Sep 2014

Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear sk happy birthday to you :-)... hope your having a good day i am thinking of you xx

sk
6 Sep 2014

thank you n yes been quite nice just spent it wiv kiddies although lil one not well got raging temp think teething so no sleep for me lol. gone of the days of celebration n drinking alcohol xx

kelly6714
6 Sep 2014

Calpol and ear plugs ;-). Glad your having a nice day. Did you receive anything from poundland or were u not that lucky ? TNSBH informed me he doesnt know if he wants to be with me anymore apparently i need to give him time and space to think. Really wonder why i bothered worrying about him x

sk
6 Sep 2014

Really he actually said that to you what an absolute nob i cannot believe he can put you through all that shit and then say that to you. how do you feel about what hes said. i got fifty pound but have been reminded several times already today. so have you given him a dead line for the time you are willing to wait i cannot believe he has the cheek to say that to you how selfish can you get. Do you think he wil even bother to see kids. just in shock for you its you that deserves to be happy more then anyone n you wanted to be happy with him n he kicks you in the teeth like that x. i really hope you will be ok and happy whether thats with him or without him. keep intouch love n let me know how u are xx speak soon xx

sk
8 Sep 2014

Hi lv how are you doing today I hope you and kiddies are ok. Xx

kelly6714
10 Sep 2014

Hi sk nothing has changed hes still the biggest nob going the most useless father and i still love him. On the plus side me and the kiddies are back in a routine and finding it easier now the older one is back at school. Hows life treating you x

kelly6714
10 Sep 2014

Hi sk nothing has changed hes still the biggest nob going the most useless father and i still love him. On the plus side me and the kiddies are back in a routine and finding it easier now the older one is back at school. Hows life treating you x

sk
10 Sep 2014

Hi I agree its alot better now eldest back at school and routine is back to normal. Sorry hes still a nob but if its any consolation so is mine. Why is it they think they can walk in n criticise you for he house being untidy and how you should'nt say certain  things in front of the kids I mean come on they can't be that thick surely really make my blood boil, told him I would like to see how tidy house is if he had em for a week, I could really kill him sometimes, told him to go fuck hiself in the end lol. So no change at this end either little one abit better so managed to get rid of ear plugs lol. Take care matey keep me updated xx

sk
11 Sep 2014

Hi, had a visit today ended badly once again and its me I cannot let go of the past I hurt so bad and feel like a dog with a bone. Deep down I resent him I resent him for getting help with his mind and moving forward when I am stuck in the past and I resent him for not understanding how I feel. I hate myself for loving him for chosing him for my children and for putting up with his shit for so long. I am so confused about the way I feel at the moment when hes not here I miss him and when he is I want him gone he says I confuse him aswel which I probably do but I just cannot help it. I dont know whether these feelings are normal or if I am just constantly over reacting over the least little thing. I am just so confused am I with him because I know no different or is it because I love him that I am clinging on to all I can I just dont know how do you tell? Confused confused confused. X

kelly6714
11 Sep 2014

Im right there with you girl ! I think your feelings are normal if there not then ill be in the funny farm with you cause right now i have the exact same thing. I miss him like crazy the thought of him with someone else is unthinkable. I get so excited when hes coming over make an effort to look nice. Now comes the problem i expect him to come to the door give me a hug say hes SORRY hold me and make all the hurt go away. But he doesnt he comes.in rolls his eyes about something starts critizing me and plonks in front of the tv. Ill tell you why we feel like we do disapointment because our men never act how we want them to they are oblivious to the pain they have caused and that is because they are selfish. I find when he comes over i have to be all sweetness and light so as not to rock the boat when really i want to rip his head off but yes like you i love him. Between you and me i think i hold onto him out of hope he will become the man he should (i know he never will) and out of fear of never finding anyone else. I have asked myself if i could look into the futre and see myself with a wonderful man who loves me and the children and i was truely happy would i be doing all this shit and the answer is probably no. We need to forget the past to move forward but it is hard when there is so much pent up anger which at some point will explode. I understand about the children to dare i say it but mine seem happier and better behaved now hes not here. Infact the whole house seems calmer. Can i grow some balls n tell him to f off nope course i cant cause i cant imagine him not in my life. So yep i understand i have the same questions as you but i dont have the answers although if im honest with myself i do have the answers im just not brave enough to do what i know is the right thing cause theres always hope that one thing our relationships seem to constantly based on hope and dissapointment. Xx

kelly6714
11 Sep 2014

I also think the saying theres a very fine line between love and hate is true. I also believe its possible to love and hate at the same time. Its there job to show us how much they love us so the hate evaporates if they dont then i guess the hate will increase until we no longer feel any love and really thats so sad but i guess in answer to your question time will be the decider

sk
11 Sep 2014

I am the exact same if I could see a future with someone else I would'nt be doing this either I just dont want to feel paranoid anymore but at same time I cannot let go. Time is also something I don't want to waste on a man thats just going to hurt me again n again and like you said its the fear of never finding happiness again with someone else or even to trust someone else. I picked him up other day n he looked like a tramp off street whereas I tried to make an effort with make up etc yet he can turn up looking like that I told him aswel n his mum said we shouldn't get on his case cus it doesn't make him feel good and I felt like punching her told her straight there is no need for him to look like that I am one that has two other kids to look after he jus has to look after hiself n he cannot even do that.  I just dunno anymore I dont wanna argue with him and at the same time I cannot help it like I say dog wiv a bone I even think just let it go but I can't cus I need him to feel the hurt I do. 

Thank you for just understanding. Xx

sk
14 Sep 2014

Hey kelly hope your ok speak to you soon xx

sk
17 Sep 2014

Hi kelly really hope you and kiddies are ok. No change at this end hes still a spiteful self centred shit head lol xx take care xx

kelly6714
21 Sep 2014

Hi sk i still have a spiteful self centred shit head to. He cancelled seeing us saturday as he went to town with his mates for a night out turned up today hungover moaning that the girls were being to noisey then basically said he does wanna be with me but he wishes i was like the girls he saw on his night out fun with no resposibilities apparantly its annoying him that we cant have fun and go out because the kids are always with me ummmm hold on a minute there your kids !!!!!! Angry doesnt even come close. How is your shit head is he any better? Hope your ok xxx

sk
21 Sep 2014

No still a shit head too. Hes concentrating on his car at minute he has two thousand pound to get it fixed which really makes me uneasy to say the least him having all that cash. I asked him if it would be better for me to have his bank card again n he said no he does'nt need me to look after his card but its different when he has no cash he's quite willing for me to have it "DOOR MAT"  thats what I feel like. I dunno I feel like hes a step dad most of time because thats how he acts. Thing is when you have children thats when the fun begins watching them grow up and doing things as a family my priorities certainly changed when I had my daughter but I think maybe its because they are'nt number 1 anymore and thats what the problem is they cannot cope with sharing sad but true. He seems to be ok but who knows I am still like a dog with a bone cannot let go every smell every toilet visit and hes only here few hours every few days. Think I am obsessed. Take care lv xx try not to kill him as hard as it is xx

sk
23 Sep 2014

hi kelly hope your ok n kids are well. just wanted to tell you that i had my car smashed into last nite all front wing n light gone and do u know the git just drove away probably joy riders or a piss head but weirdly enough even though its going to cost me money to get it fixed its not about heroin or diazepam and it actually feels good. think i am losing it lol. take care xx

kelly6714
23 Sep 2014

Oh shit sk im sorry when you going to have some luck. I got a hundred pound speeding ticket yesterday and when i told my shit face i dont know how im gonna pay it and feed the children he said its my own fault for driving so fast. Your not loseing it any distraction is a welcome distraction from all the crap we deal with on a daily basis. I have been asked out for drinks and dinner by someone who i met at work he is normal an electrition part of me thinks i deserve to give it a go and have normality and happiness and yet i love my shithead so feel guilty. I seriously need my head examined. Im wondering if i can go on the date without him finding out and see how i feel after. God that sounds awful. Even tho i have never met you i confide in you more than my friends so to me that classes you as a friend also xxz

sk
24 Sep 2014

Omg how do we manage not to kill them. I say go for it with the date and if he does find out it might shock him into sorting hiself out and make him see what hes got right infront of him, wow a date with a normal bloke and not to mention hes an electrician always good to have an electrician on board lol xx we ended up arguing again today he just fecks me off,  I said I need to get a drive sorted its been his project for the last 3yrs and still got no further suprise suprise but then he just started saying he cannot do everything  hes on medication so its impossible to do anything because of the diazepam, well that was it I flipped told him its his own fault he has no one else to blame but hiself and just because I dont take anything apart from odd paracetamol for headache (becoming more regular especially when hes around)  does'nt mean I am not drained of energy. God hes a dick. I asked him to watch his son other day so I could nip to shop for laundry stuff so I could wash clothes and he was like "oh you always just leave him with me", the cheek I swear I could swing for him I just keep calling him step daddy n he hates it but thats exactly how he acts. Anyway onwards n upwards I start work next week again so thats another distraction. 

You are the only person I confide in your not judgemental and know exactly how to cheer me up so I defo class you as a friend even tho we are miles away lol x take care x 

ps go for it!!!!!! Let me know what you decide well jealous could do with my house rewiring haha x

sk
24 Sep 2014

Or a builder if he has a friend need an extension for all kids toys lol x

sk
25 Sep 2014

Hello kelly just wanted to ask you your opinion on this one so here goes ..... some jewellery has come up due for paying in the pawn shop actually two days late for paying and most of whats in there is mine what he has used without me knowing so I have just rang him to tell him and he said I wil sort it dont worry, yeah right so I told him its not good enough him letting it get his far especiallt when its not his stuff that hes risking losing so he turns round to me and say QUOTE " How come everytime you ring me you just cause me hastle " at that point I said just tell your mum to text me with what you have done to sort it if I cause you that much trouble all while our son was screaming his head off in background like he has been for last two days n nights. What an absolute selfish prick, oh he also told me he'd just got up aswel just a bit of salt chucked in the open wound this was at 1pm. Anyway would like to hear your view on it xx.

sk
25 Sep 2014

Sorry for spelling n grammar stupid lil phone lol xx

kelly6714
25 Sep 2014

My advice cut him out of your life and believe you deserve better. Says me who declined the date with the electrition cause i a)felt guilty b) feel like damaged goods and c) find it hard to believe anyone else would want me. Thats the trouble our men have put us through so much i think were more troubled than them. I havent seen or heard from mine in over a week i dont even know if i love him or not. Its all so hard

sk
25 Sep 2014

I know love I am exact same and I have'nt even been asked out by anyone and I think even if I did I would'nt believe it I would think they were taking piss its so sad but true. I would feel sorry for my next bloke anyway because I feel like I am mega damaged and not worthy of being happy with anyone else. I just wish I could see a little glimpse into the future just to know that all this shit is worth it. Its so hard to know what your true feelings are is'nt it you get so wrapped up and confused with the whole situation and when the kids are involved its even harder. I am just tired of feeling this way its like they have'nt got a care in world. I often panic about if anything happens to me what would happen to the kids it scares me to death to think that they would go to him I have even thought about going down the legal route so my parents get them it just goes round in my head all the time. I dunno love we are a right pair are'nt we. we can laugh n joke but when it comes down to it its our future thats at stake.

take care xx

sk
27 Sep 2014

Hi love have you heard anything from your shit head yet xx hope u n kids are good x

kelly6714
5 Oct 2014

Hi sk hows you ? Hope all is good. I have a new perdicament. The not so better half seems very depressed he comes over and sleeps all the time his clothes are dirty and he dont smell to good not like him at all. I have drug tested him and all clear (im convinced thats not the issue). I asked him why hes so down and he said he misses our old life before the cheating and relapse, he says he feels his boss doesnt want him there anymore and he fears he will lose his job as he is not performing well due to the depression. He refuses to go to the doctor he claims the only thing that will make him feel better is to return home. Now i love him i really do but there is so much to consider the girls are happier now, i have a routine and enjoy ny own space and company i like not cleaning up after him, financially i have just got organised with tax credits etc as a single parent and am better off with him not here wasteing money on unessential rubbish. Furthermore the children are settled in full time childcare. If he returned home my tax credit claim would stop while they changed from single to joint therefore i couldnt pay the childcare provider even worst if he lost his job (which i fear is coming) i would have to pull them out of childcare leaving him looking after them while i work also he has not improved in terms of lazyness i think he misses me looking after him. I have explained all this to him while reasurreing him i love him but he says being away from home is making him suicidal. I am waiting for him to turn up bag in hand saying his boss has kicked him out and he has no where to go (he has pissed his family and friends off so much they have nothing to do with him). What do i do ? I love him i dont want him on the streets but finiancially i cant have him back, emotionally i cant have him back. I want him to stay where he is be happy and spend time with me but i feel hes putting pressure on me to come home now or else he will kill himself or find someone new to move in with in with. Why do they have to be so fing complicated im not his mother but why do i always feel its my job to look after him i want him to look after me but he just dont get that !!!

sk
5 Oct 2014

Hi kelly I am ok cannot bleve the parallel lives we live its like when I read your messages it me thats writing them. 

So by the sound of things he knows things are turning sour with his boss so the only place he knows he can go is your house its like he is being forced to come back because he knows he has nowhere else to go. Can you remember earlier on in our conversations when you said that hes happy where he is no responsibilities could do what he wanted when he wanted. Ask yourself this if things were ok with his boss would he still be asking to come home?. I am in exact situation he has asked for me to give up my tax creds etc for him to come back and I have said I cannot take the risk I dont trust him for one, I am completely stressed when hes around and feel like I have a third child to look after and I get loads of pressure from his mum to take him back because shes probably fed up of his shit aswel. I have told him straight today that I am confused by the way I feel about him and if it takes another 5 years for me to decide whst I want then so be it, it will happen when I want it too, if I want it too. I do still love him but I am not sure I love him in the same way I did. 

Its time to put yourself first depression is a horrid thing but with what we have been put through we could have gone same way (depression route) but we have children to think about and them so we have'nt got time to be depressed. 

The decision is yours but please dont let him pressure you he is only thinking about himself once again. He needs professional help and antidepressants which is something the gp will prescribe straight away. See they think you cannot cope without them and they are so wrong it makes you stronger in a way paying your own bills and sorting kids not having to rely on them for anything it certainly has for me, and the kids are happy and so am I its so weird.

 I say put yourself and kiddies first for once you deserve too after what he has put you through these last few months. xxx take care speak soon xxx

sk
6 Oct 2014

Hi love hows it going have you managed to make your decision? I hope u are all ok speak soon

sk
6 Oct 2014

Omg that last message was our 100th message lets celebrate over a cuppa heres to 100 more "clink clink" ( thats our cups hitting together) oh dear think I have finally gone nuts. Lol xx

kelly6714
7 Oct 2014

Haha is it really ??? Wow and were still no further forward theyve remained tossers for the whole duration. I told him he cannot move back before xmas as financially thats the worst time to be skint thought that would bide me some time. Anyway he was supposed to come round tonight to discuss it but he never showed so cant be that important to him i guess. Hows yours doing ??

sk
8 Oct 2014

Hi lv good thinking with that decision like you said at least it gives you more time. I dont know why but at minute he propper gets under my skin anything he says angers me and I am not even sure why sometimes. last week he said about having to "babysit" kids omg I wanted to stab him told him you dont baby sit your own kids and he could'nt understand why I was propper pissed off which annoyed me even more so told him to leave me alone. Drug wise seems ok but you can never be too sure its always there niggling away x but of course you know that anyway xx

sk
15 Oct 2014

Hi kelly hope u n kids are well. My lilttle one full of cold so no sleep for me. xx

sk
18 Oct 2014

So fear confirmed today kelly he told me hes back on methadone because he cannot cope, both him and his mother knew but both of them failed to tell me and the only reason he told me was because I forced him to due to a positive drug test for opiates. Hes asked me to love him for who he is and said I can't love him that much if I don't but fact is I did accept him, I accepted him for the last god knows how many years this way. Not sure how I feel just numb at the moment and betrayed by both of them I just feel so stupid once again thinking or trying to think that he is doing well when really he'd obviously failed and has been lying to me for the last few weeks. He promised that if he failed he would leave me alone to get on with my life and now he says hes never going to give up on us so either way I am trapped (maybe I want to be I dunno). 

It was meant to be a fresh drug free life but dont think it will ever happen I am just kidding myself.

hope all is well at your end xx

kelly6714
19 Oct 2014

Oh SK I'm so sorry I know this was kinda your now or never moment. Things won't improve will they. He says you can't love him if you don't except him the way he is you could say he doesn't love you otherwise he wouldn't be taking methodone. Yes maybe that's who he is but is that who you want ?. Its all still crap this end he wants to move back pretty sure not for me he's skint and fed up with living with his boss needs looking after again. Hes so miserable when he's around me he just says he's depressed and that it makes him feel worst when he sees me cause I have the house the girls my friends (um well hello I didn't cheat and stick needles in my arm). He says he feels I've moved on and no longer love him. This is the confusing bit for me I do love him but I don't know if I want him back deep down I know he doesn't treat me right and holds me back and I'm starting to feel I deserve better. Why don't we have the balls to be without them ? Anyway last time I saw him his exact words were maybe I should f off and find myself a smack head girlfriend. So SK I maybe rejoining you soon in the drug related posts once more. Take care x

sk
19 Oct 2014

I cannot live my life like this anymore its like a nightmare I am in love with the person he used to be and fact that he looks the same does'nt help. I really just want to say its over but something is holding me back and I think its fear, that I will be on my own and that no one will want me and having to introduce the kids to a new man if it did ever happen. its just all swirling around my head. He said that he thought I fell out of love with him along time ago but thats not true I would'nt have had another child with him if I did'nt love him. Think its all to guilt trip me to be honest because its never their fault is it, he said he could'nt do what I asked go to work (bearing in mind hes only been doing 3 hrs for 3 days a week) phase return, but really he had to go back because he was'nt getting any money because his ssp ran out, its just all excuses and blame on me really ( selfish ) addict talk as usual. I dunno just feel really low at the minute the kids are only thing keeping me going. Just goes to show I was right to be suspicious. 

I will speak to you soon take care xx

sk
19 Oct 2014

Ps you do deserve better, we both do just a case of finding someone n letting go of them. XX

sk
20 Oct 2014

Hi kelly hope your ok.
so had a visit today he came to tell me that hes not giving up on us (erm think he already did) and his new plan is to reduce hiself one mill at a time. Not sure what hes going to achieve because the end result will still be the same he wont be able to cope and just go straight back up or back on that shit. I dunno I see no end if I let him keep doing this its like you said it was make or break for me and he broke so nothing more I can say.

take care matey speak soon xx

sk
28 Oct 2014

Hi Kelly hope your ok.
I am feeling low tonight sick of being on my own plus eldest been poorly think I am just exhausted to be honest. No change with shit head, I asked him to come over last night because I had them both crying wanting me and obviously I cannot split myself in two and he didn't come when I needed him he let me down  but then again I should really be used to it by now. Anyway hope all is good at your end xx

kelly6714
30 Oct 2014

Hi sk so sorry for the late reply honey half term has kept me busy and exhausted. Its tough isn't it. Mine hasn't seen the girls once this holiday and its now Thursday there is always some excuse he's tired or I'll. He claims he is depressed I wonder if this is true or if he is out every night. I have started to find I wonder less about what he is doing. Don't get me wrong I miss him and I love him actually I'll re phrase that I miss what we had and I care deeply for him bit I don't think we will ever get back what we had. I for now am trying to get on with life with him as a part of it but he no longer consumes me. I was up with the 17 month old all night a couple of weeks ago and was so tires I cried she walked over to me and rubbed my back and that's when it hit me we have our children's love and that is worth more than anything. Chin up chick you can do this with or without him. Be strong . just remind yourself he's a twat and until he's not a twat your to good for him. Massive massive hugs xxx

kelly6714
31 Oct 2014

So SK I new it was coming got the text I'd been waiting for I've been stupid I've used I can't stop this time I wish I was dead blah blah blah I cannot do it anymore I replied your problems are not my problems you know where me and the children are when your ready to be a dad and grown up in the meantime plz don't contact me. Was so hard but had to be done. So the stop and wait game starts again. Hope ur ok xx

sk
5 Nov 2014

Hi love so nice to hear from you and yes the holidays kept me busy aswell eldest still not well this is the 10th day now, took her to doctors and just viral so have to sit it out, its the 10th day i have'nt had sleep and today i broke down i rang him and asked for his help and his words were " just because you throw a fit doesn't mean we are going to come running" even tho he said he would be here for 10.30. It was 12.30 before he and his mum got to house. I had to just walk out i was so angry how dare he say that to me when hes done what hes done i was so upset especially when day before he was trying to hug me and tell me how good a mum i am and how amazing i am for what i do, not that i need to hear it from him but hes like jeckyll and hyde one day nice the next a horrid twat. 
I dunno the more he backs off the more i let go just need to face facts that he will always be a selfish self centred person who looks after number 1.
i am so sorry to hear bout your text its like they take pleasure in building you up just to knock you down. Keep strong my friend and thank you your words always help keep my spirits up take care xxx

kelly6714
9 Nov 2014

Hi SK I finally did it. I finished it I just couldn't be dealing with the drama anymore. I'm one week into a new relationship and I'm pleased to say he doesn't do drugs or even drink. I hope your ok xx

sk
10 Nov 2014

Oh my god!!!!! I am so happy for you i hope he makes your dreams come true the fact he doesn't do drugs or drink is definitely half way there lol. Be happy matey you deserve it. Much love SK xx

kelly6714
10 Nov 2014

Thanks hun the ex still messages me he's still using but its not my problem anymore and its a relief to finally say and truely feel. I hope your ok and please still keep in contact xx

sk
11 Nov 2014

I am ok at the minute everything pretty quiet this end just concentrating on christmas and kids. Hes still insisting that hes going to reduce hiself and get off methadone that way but not holding my breath because i might die by the time it takes him. Told him there is no relationship while ever hes taking that just cannot be arsed with it all to be honest. Anyway matey keep me informed about ya new fella. Speak soon x

sk
19 Dec 2014

Hi kelly hope you and kiddies are well and hope your new man is well too. Just wanted to wish you and kids a happy christmas and all the best for 2015. Xxx

kelly6714
20 Dec 2014

Hi SK my love its great to hear from you I hope you are well. I have had no contact with the ex although I tried for the sake of the children. I know longer know where he is or if he's OK his phone number no longer works. It has effected my older girl badly. My new man in great we are very happy. Is your man less of a tosser ? I wish you all a merry Xmas and new year and please keep in touch I've missed you xx

sk
23 Dec 2014

Hi kelly he's still a tosser!!! no change there. He broke down on motorway on way back to his mums from work and expected me to drag two children out of house at 10pm to rescue him of course i told him where to go, but it was all my fault because he has to go to his mums, he's still as selfish as ever. I just concentrate on kids don't really speak to him about anything other then them. 

Its so hard on the kids is'nt it my eldest thinks the sun shines out his back side which, annoys me but shes young and has'nt got a clue that i am protecting her by not having him here. His mum still text to say how much he loves me (yep his mum not him) i just don't bother replying its a waste of time she will always see his side and thinks i am the evil one. I think if i did'nt have to see him then it would make life easier but he just turns up like a bad smell causes havoc for me stresses me out and leaves. I dunno love its like ground hog day. Anyway enough about that waste of oxygen. Have a fan dabby dosey crimbo hope santa brings you lots of presents. Hope your eldest will be ok i am sure she will be. keep intouch matey moo missed you too xx

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