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Trying to grieve.

Posted by helpformum on 4 January 2011.

I lost my eldest brother two months ago to Herion. He was 38 years old and had a daughter my age, twenty one. He had been clean from Herion for about 18 months. He then started dating an 18 year old who was a recovering herion addict. Or so we thought. 
On 25th oct 2010 I recieved a phone call at work from my mum telling me that my brother had been admitted into hospital following an overdose. I got there as soon as I could and knew by the look on my mums face that things were not good. We found out afterwards that he had infact been left for three hours by this girlfriend after he passed out before the ambulance was called, in which time his brain had been starved of oxygen. He was brain dead by the time he got there. It had taken the ambulance crew half an hour to restart his heart when they arrived at the scene. The next day, after many tests, his life support was switched off and we all said our goodbyes.

The day of the overdose my brother had been so happy. He had taken me to work at half two and he was asking my opinion on whether he should move in with his girlfriend or not. He sounded a little unsure so I told him not to rush into anything. The last place I saw him alive was in my office at work smiling goodbye. 

He had then gone back home and at around 5pm he told my mum he would drop off his girlfriend and he would be back in about half an hour. An hour and a half later and he still hadnt arrived. So my mum checked her phone to find a missed call from him. She rang him back and his girlfriends friend answered the phone and said "this is what's happened..." then the phone cut off. She tried to ring again and said "I think you have a problem with the phone" to which the friend said "Yeah I think I have..." then it cut off again. And after that the phone just kept ringing and being cut off. My brother overdosed at half 6 and my mum was ringing at half 7 to which nobody was answering. The ambulance was eventually called at half 9 and then my mum was called at approx 10pm. 

If his girlfriend had answered the phone or called the ambulance sooner my brother could have been saved. 

It took weeks until we could have the funeral and when we did things got even worse. My mum was obviously devastated and so were all his siblings and his father. The police are still investigating it and there is going to be an inquest into his death.

The reason I am writing this is because my mum is really not coping well, she is drinking everynight she is not working and getting extremely drunk then she comes home and starts on either myself or my 22 year old brother.

I've tried to tell her that this is not right but she won't listen and continues to go out all the time drinking. She is the loveliest person you will ever meet when she's sober but she is a horrible drunk. She comes in, shouting, swearing and smashing things up. And she blames everything on us and says that we're never there for her. I don't know what to do anymore because it's just getting worse.

Can somebody suggest any help???


Sam A
9 Jan 2011

Hi, i really feel for you in this awful situation, i am going through something similar with my sister at the moment, its really hard not to pay attention to what they are saying,especially when it is so painful.  i think they are looking for someone to blame because they feel so awful and ultimately blame themselves, this is not about anything you are doing.  does your mum have any friends you could ask to speak to her in a supportive way when she is sober so it is not coming from you??? try not to take on the blame she is putting on to you, i ended up phoning the police as i could not manage my sisters aggression any longer, whilst this does sound extreme it has opened up some help for my sister, if your mum kicks off again i would consider doing this, it might at least show her the impact her drinking is having.  maybe you could suggest she goes to her doctor for some help, my sister is now going to addaction which seems positive.  finally is there anyone you and your brother could stay with for a bit, again i know this might seem unsupportive or extreme but her bbehaviour is extreme and you need to look after yourself.  i admit i am still trying to do this too and i am not awlays successful, i found the video on this home page helpful in this.  i really hope you ALL get the love and support you need and things start changing soon.

17 Mar 2011

first of all i am so sorry to hear about your brothers death and secondly to say this is all still so very raw, i lost my son 3 yrs ago this may he was 24yrs old and was also left a long time before the ambulance was called infact your story is so very similar to my own we waited a year for his inquest, sudden death is the most difficult to deal with especially as your brother was clean and happy , 
you need to understand that your mum has lost her son i know you have lost your brother and its hearbreaking for you too but mums feel they should protect there children to the death no matter what age they are, i know when my son died the guilt i felt was unbearable the pain was like nothing i had ever felt before and i didnt know where to turn unforunatly your mum has turned to drink and probably feels like this numbs the pain i mean maybe it does for a while but we all know in reality it is still there when the drink wears off, thing is u are in a difficult situation really as u need to greive yourself and do not need blame thrown at you , what your mum needs is some proffessional help , i didnt bother geting any and ended up with post traumatic disorder and although i am better now it has been a long road, i agree with sam above and maybe if u called the police when she stars smashing things up next time hen they will speak to her and suggest to her to speak with her doc or get some bereavment councilling she doesn't need too do this alone but remember her greif is still very new and she will be feeling all sorts of emotions , anger, resentment and these are all pretty normal, also in the meantime remember to make time for your own grief i hope u all get some help and support and as a family help each other through this x

29 Mar 2011

Try to get your Mum to go to AA. Agree with advice you've had about taking care of yourself. Big hug and hope she is starting to turn the corner now. Rose

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