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What can I do?

Posted by Irishgirl on 12 August 2016.

Hi everyone, this is a totally new situation for me and I am struggling to deal with it. I have been with my partner for 8 and a half years and he hadn't had a drink in 9 and a half years up until May when he quit his job as it was becoming very stressful and his manager was treating him like crap. I had no idea that he was drinking again until I arrived home from an evening out with my friends and he was passed out on the couch with a bottle of alcohol beside him two nights ago. Apparently he has been drinking on about 8 or 10 occasions since May and I had absolutely no idea. I sometimes work night shifts so it would have been quiet easy for him to hide it from me  but I feel so stupid not realising he was drinking again. I have no idea what to do, I wasn't in a relationship with him when he was drinking before but his parents and friends have told me a little about how he used to be. 

As I am the only one who knows he has started drinking again I have no one to talk to about how he used to behave, etc when he used to drink and I am considering talking to one of his friends about what it was like so that I can get a better picture of what I might experience should he keep drinking. I don't know whether to tell his parents as we now live here in the UK having moved over from Ireland for work six years ago. I am worried his parents may want him to return home and he has got another job which he loves over here and I do not want to move back as I am settled in my job etc. However am I selfish for wanting to stay here and not wanting to tell his parents?

I know he used to drink a lot and ended up in rehab for a month which his parents paid for. He also went to AA meetings for a year. He thinks he can do this without going back to meetings but I am not willing to accept this as I cannot help him on my own. 

I love him more than anything but I am so angry with him for doing this. I get that its an addiction but I just can't past the anger because I see it as I can't trust him now and that he has flushed over 8 years of trust down the drain. Trust was one thing that we had and we trusted each other 100% but now I'm going to question whether he's drinking every time I'm not with him. 

Any advice on how best to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.

Comments

concerned mum
12 Aug 2016

First of all don't panic...He went nine and a half years so this could just be a blip...Is he easy to talk to openly?  if so very gently ask him to be honest ...Is this just a stressful blow out or does he feel that he could be going down the same path as before...In his heart he will know..If he gets stroppy or self protective leave it until another time when he is calmer...If he will talk don't be resentful or judging..If he thinks there could be a problem get him some help asap...nip it in the bud quickly....Be supportive...hes got through this before...You never said if there were any risks to you so I'm assuming there is nt...If there is you will need to be a lot stronger and take yourself away from the situation xx

concerned mum
12 Aug 2016

First of all don't panic...He went nine and a half years so this could just be a blip...Is he easy to talk to openly?  if so very gently ask him to be honest ...Is this just a stressful blow out or does he feel that he could be going down the same path as before...In his heart he will know..If he gets stroppy or self protective leave it until another time when he is calmer...If he will talk don't be resentful or judging..If he thinks there could be a problem get him some help asap...nip it in the bud quickly....Be supportive...hes got through this before...You never said if there were any risks to you so I'm assuming there is nt...If there is you will need to be a lot stronger and take yourself away from the situation xx

Icarus Trust
19 Sep 2016

I feel sorry that you are in such a difficult situation and can understand the loss of trust you feel.
 If you need some support for yourself please contact the Icarus Trust. we are a charity that supports the family and friends of addicts. We have experienced trained volunteers you could speak with which might help you to deal with things.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

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