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Where has my little boy gone

Posted by motherslove on 16 December 2011.

I'm so sad and depressed.  My son is a heroin user and has been for the past 11 yrs.  No matter what is dad and I do for him he keeps going back to using.  We're not sure when he started dabbling in drugs although we believe it was from the age of around 11/12 but being naive and totally unaware of drugs  we did'nt know the signs.  He has always been hyperactive, never still always on the go, but he was loving and caring and just one of his smiles could melt your heart.  In 2000 we decided to move away from the place we had lived for 15yrs and rented a farm.  It was supposed to be a new beginning,  our ideal place, what we had always wanted.  He was 19 and had the choice of staying behind or coming with us.  He chose to come with us.  That was when things started to go really bad.  During 2003 he had to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act.  As the time he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  I gave up work to become his carer and for a short while he seemed to be getting better.  But gradually he became unreasonable, verbally aggresive and un-cooperative.  We had to move from the farm as we could'nt afford it with me not working and got a place nearer to a city centre in the hope that he would feel more comfortable.  Then his dad found needles in the house and he was told to leave immediately.  He has had a succession of flats and hostel places but whenever it seems that he is settled and happy he just reverts back to his old ways.  He has stolen from us and his sister and even from his 7yr old niece.  He has alinated all his extended family and they are elderly and frightened of him.  The only one who has stood by him is me and I now feel that I have to walk away for my own sanity and its breaking my heart.  He has been charged on numerious occasions with shoplifting, theft and is currently on a caution but it dose'nt stop him.  He has quite alot of money coming in but still he goes and gets loans that he will never pay back.  In August he got a brilliant little flat close to us and he furnised it and I tried to help him to budget his money, but he has now sold everything including his bed and only has a settee.  The other day he ran out of electricity and for the 1st time I refused to help him out, which I know was the right thing to do, so why do I feel so guilty.  I can't stop thinking about him alone with nothing and especially as Christmas is approaching, but nobody wants him around.  That little bundle of joy and happiness has gone and in its place is misery and heartache.  Am I right to walk away and leave him to sort his life out and how do I live with the thought that he may harm himself.
When does the pain stop.  How do you make him understand what he has done to his family.

Comments

ClairLP
22 Jun 2012

I completely understand.  My situation with my 25 year old son is exactly the same and it is killing me.  It has ruined my relationship with my partner, made me a complete nervous wreck and I live each day on edge and ill with the worry.  The only respite I have had in the past 12 years is the 2 short spells my son has spent in jail.  I too cannot see and end to this pain, so I really do understand what you are going through xxxxx

4Everhoping.
20 Mar 2013

My son has been a heroin addict from the age of 19, he is now 37. In the early days when we were so naive my husband and  I made so many mistakes when dealing with our son...mostly out of fear. Fear of what would happen if we didn't allow him home to live,going against advice from those who knew better in the rehab place..so many mistakes I'm sure. We loved him so much and were so frightened. Sadly we can look back and realise that nothing we ever did was enough to really help him because he is still fighting his addiction now. All I can say is that despite everything we have been through with him we have done the very best we could never turning our back on him, always trying to support him the best we could. We have had to change though and stand firm over not allowing him to live with us or giving him money but there have still been many ways to show we care and support him to get well. In the end as his parents we made a conscious decision that we would do whatever we felt was right regardless of others advice. By others I mean family or well meaning friends. As we wait in hope of him having the opportunity to go into rehab again we will listen to those who really do know better but he is our son and we have to live with ourselves and if heaven forbid we should lose him then I don't want to have on my conscience that   we denied him food, or a bit of electricity for his flat or some such help or support. It is very important to us that through all the horrors we have been through with him, through his darkest times, that he knows how much he is loved.We never lose hope that he will get well and lead a normal happy and healthy life.If others can walk away that is what they should do..if they can live with that choice and get on with their life...we couldn't walk away but you do have to get on with life regardless.I also live in hope that I will stop feeling an overwhelming sadness. Sadness for all the lost years, that our son is capable of being so much more than he is right now. He has lost and missed out on so much. In his clearer moments he is well aware of the pain and upset he has caused his family and he has so many regrets but part of us trying to support him is getting him to look forward and not back and not to burden him with guilt which wouldn't help him at all on top of all the negative feelings he has.So rightly or wrongly we are here for him and try to put aside our sadness and all the other emotions you go through and never lose hope that he will turn his life around.Hopefully then the pain will stop.

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