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Will I ever feel happy again

Posted by Funhaha on 20 August 2017.

My partner never told me he was on coke. I was unfortunate to find out after we had our son. He went away with some "friends" a week after I came out of hospital and left me with baby and 2 dogs. No phone calls no texts. Maybe I should have got out then but I loved and sill do love him. When he came back he seamed to have changed. Our sex life has always been good but once baby came along he seemed to go funny. We had always watched some porn but he now started to talk about seeing me with othet men and touching them (I didnt realize this was a side affect of the coke) he talked me into things I didnt really feel happy with and then said he needed the coke to go through with tgem (and theres me without any drugs. I was so strupid). The porn got progresively worse as did the sex. It was no longer about both as to just him. The week before a binge he would be more loving and careing towards me and as the day got closer he would find something to pick a fight with me just so he could use this as an exuse. The sex was no longer happening and every time he started the coke I ended up in trears and fights. The last 4 months have been the worst for me. He had a year clean and then the coke head convinced him he could do it without conciquence. Wel we all know thats not possible and so the last 4 months have been the worst ever. Knowing its coming on. Telling him its not going to happen with me. Watching our now 7 year old worry as hia dad is "sick" in bed. The fact he was taking it ALL day and it ended with him at work (he has his own buissness) all day and not being able to get home. I couldnt talk to him at all and went to bed and left him. In the morning when he was weak and shamed I said that tjis is it. Its that or us. I couldnt do this any more no matter how much I loved him. I couldnt keep covering for him with others and mosty our son. He has started the CA again and has been clean for 4 weeks but I know the time is coming and I am worried now. Trying to tell him that I cant just let the past go and look how hes doing dont seam to go in yet. I have had 7 years of being lied too and told it wont happen again just to have it happen again. I cant let this go and am always on pins. I need to get this off my chest as I dont have any family (all gone now) and due to this I have let my self be cut off from friends. Thank you for listening. And I will keep you all informed of our progress good or bad.

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