: Drugs, alcohol and mental health

Discuss the twin challenges of mental health and substance use

3 replies

Partner of 1 year is an alcoholic

Hi, I'm new here. I'm really struggling.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year.

At Christmas he got tangled in a web of lies and he finally told me has a problem. He downplayed it.

Since then it's quite quickly become worse. He lives 90 miles away and gets lonely. He's been looking for a job so he can be closer.

Last week he turned up smelling if alcohol. So he'd driven 90 miles over the limit. He'd been acting strange that week. He owned up to calling into work sick, and drinking all day every day. He had shakes over the weekend.

I've been in 2 abusive relationships and I like my space and need trust.

He is quite needy. I told him I find him smothering.

This resulted in him spending Money to Thurs completely wasted. It only stopped because I called the police.

He's now seeking help and has an assessment due on Friday.

He sent me a lot of horrible messages when he was drunk but I didn't retaliate. He has now apologised a couple of times by text.

Firstly I'm pretty hurt - he has called his parents and apologised profusely. He wasn't even rude to them in the first place.

I feel guilty because I'm angry at him. I feel smothered and not listened to. My emotions change hourly. I am totally exhausted.

His dad told me it's been a problem for 15 years and he's never dealt with it.

He's asked if I still love him. Right now I'm so numb I'm not sure what I feel for him. I felt I had to tell him I love him because otherwise he'll relapse. And then I resent him for that.

I'm trying so hard to be empathetic but it's very difficult when I've been lied to for over a year.

I have realised now that there have been so many occasions in the last year when he's been drunk and lied to me.

Does anyone else feel angry and resentful? How do you cope?

Help!

Thanks

replying to Benzanna

I get where you are coming from. My husband ( we got married 7 months ago ) drinks probably 4-5 times the weekly limit and has said the most horrific things to me. Tonight in fact he slammed the door and said that one of hobbies was making him angry ( I was sewing a blanket ! ) I resent him for picking up that next bottle and for not prioritising me or the fact we should be saving for a house . But I spoke to a counsellor and they said that I need to focus on me and that a decision has to come from him. It’s so hard and exhausting being the one on the receiving end. I’m sorry I don’t have advice but know you’re not alone xxx

replying to Benzanna

Totally in the same boat, been with mine for 15 years. The constant lies really do eat you up like you say. Your empathy will run out but it’s really a horrible feeling being angry too. I’ve let a lot go but it catches up with you. I flip at the slightest sniff of alcohol on the breath, it’s a very stressful way to live. I am going to a counsellor next month. It is very hard to focus on yourself when so many of their actions directly affect your life. Mine has run up loads of debt, I have none myself and my credit rating is top, bailiffs are due to come round for his debt he works away in the week. I’m thinking I will have to ask him to take his name off the mortgage as it’s not fair, but if I bring this up it will end it confrontation so how can you focus on yourself when their actions directly affect your life. The only reason I can see why a counsellor would say that is that you build confidence to leave really. It’s exhausting to figure out x

replying to Benzanna

a year is no time at all, these should be happy times.

if i am being completely honest, i would run a mile, it isnt worth it at all - he will continue to relapse, nothing you say or do will stop him, people have kids, homes, jobs and it doesnt stop, i put it all on the line and it dont work at all it actually does the opposite - 15 years of addiction wont be cured by falling in love, i made that mistake, its hell..

if youve got no ties, no house, no kids, then move on.

i hope you take this the right way - you wont cope, youll end up mentally drained yourself.

he cant help it though, it is a disease, incurable most of the time.

I wish i could give you a more positive answer - but honestly, read through some of these threads, its heartbreaking to accept but you have to think of yourself.

He wil relapse whether youre there supporting him or not there at all... and thats the truth

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