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Desperate for some advice

Hi all. I'm new to this forum (and website) but I feel like I have nowhere else to turn. I apologise firstly for the long thread but felt I had to give some background.

My husband is a self confessed Cocaine addict. We have three children under the age of 5, the youngest being only 12 weeks old.

Last year, we were going through what I thought was just another rough patch (we'd had several of these over the 10 years we've been together but things always got better) but after numerous arguments over money going missing, I found out in the August that this missing money was actually being spent on Cocaine. Around that same time I lost my job and being 5 months pregnant I had no hope of getting a replacement job so all things financial landed solely on my husband's wages. He earns a very good wage and normally this would be enough for us to live on. He promised month after month that things would get better and no more money was owed but sure enough when payday came, we were short by approx £1500 every month. Our financial situation quickly spiralled and it got to the point that the only bill we could afford to pay was our rent. My in laws had been fantastic and were secretly helping me out financially so I could put food on the table or pay a few bills. Each month I would try and set up a new payment plan with everyone (we're talking car finance, council tax, gas/electric... All the usual bills) and then each month this would get broken. All came to a head just before Christmas when I had to take my husband to a&e as he wanted to take his own life and took what he said a large amount of Cocaine. I honestly thought that this was rock bottom and he finally started seeking some help. He was sent for CBT but he managed to lie through his teeth and they soon discharged him thinking that he was doing good. I mean don't these so called professionals have any clue about Cocaine addiction??!!

Anyway since then he seemed to be doing better but then payday came around and still we're really short. I'd get the "I'm so ashamed", "I can't lose my family", "I promise you I will get the proper help" etc etc. I've tried everything, being incredibly supportive, guilt tripping him, threatening to leave with the kids but nothing was working. His parents have now disowned him and my parents are really struggling to want to help him.

After a disastrous payday last month, I told him enough was enough and if he doesn't start seeking help then that's it, I literally can't take it anymore. My love for him has practically gone, I struggle to look at him and I definitely can't bear him touching me, even for just a second.

Anyway he started going to these CA meetings once a week (although he missed one) and he generally seemed more determined to beat his addiction. He seemed more "with it", he didn't have that look in his eyes, or the behavior that always followed suit. There were probably 2 days out of the whole month when I felt like he had done something but he just said to me that's he's been really struggling but was so proud of himself for not doing anything and that he just needed some time out to get himself together.

Anyway along comes payday today and he goes radio silent on me for the majority of the day. When I finally speak to him I find out that £1500 has gone (to I know where... His words) and the money he has given me doesn't even cover our rent. Last month was the final month before the full on debt collectors would start getting involved and now the situation is beyond bad. We're thousands of pounds in debt, and most of that is our standard household bills. We both now have defaults against our name and I have to rely on the very little benefit money I get to feed the children and put petrol in the car.

As it stands I'm better off with him not being in the house.

I can't put my children through the terrible arguments or me trying to explain why daddy is hiding himself in the spare room (which is supposed to be the baby's room), or why daddy just sits on the sofa and won't have dinner with us.

My eldest boy dotes on his daddy and I can't bare the thought of having to explain why he's not living with us anymore but I just don't know what else to do. I hate him for what he's put this family through.

I do really want him gone now but I'm scared of 1. What will he do, will he spiral out of control and lose his job and 2. Where will he go. He doesn't have any close friends, his mum won't have him and he doesn't have any money to stay somewhere.

But I just can't afford to have him here anymore.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and if so, what was the outcome? I'm scared for him.

replying to Mumtothree

Hope your ok.. i know what your going through as i have put my gf through all this. Well not all. I never had it were it got us in debt. He must be having a hell of a lot.

Ive lapsed a couple of times this year. But i cant stand the stuff and i am doing my best to stop.

1st of all cocaine makes you so depressed and suicidal coming down off it.. its terrible. I know a few people that have commited suicide through it. This is why i am.doing my best to stop.

Obv your husband knows how to stop.as he has been to meetings.. but my main trigger is alcohol.. so i do my best not to drink.. does he drink? He needs quit altogether.

And your in a bad situation.. u kick him out. He does something bad.. you dont forgive yourself.. or he stays and carrys on taking the piss...

I can only suggest.. you sit him down may be with his fam as well..and lay it down to him 1 last chance he gets help.. and thats it.. even try a hypnotist. Im doing that after my hol..

How much is he having if 1500 is going missing... were is he having it? Is he on his own having it?

Tell him downlad an app called pocket rehab. Its great

1 reply

replying to Mumtothree

Plus if you are struggling now.. barely feeding the kids.. ill let rip at him.. and set some boundarys now.. and he needs stick to them.. at the end of the day.. your going to have to do tough love. Your kids come 1st. I know i have a problem as well. But all my bills get paid. And everything for the kids 1st.

Tell your hubby and you if you want.. this month ive downloaded castbox. Download it! Its all different podcast.. but search the alan charles show.. every episode he talks about his 24 year addiction to coke.. how hes been clean for 11 years.. all his mad storys.. he even had a woman on today.. talking from your point of view.. and what to do in your situation..

Theres loads of cocaine podcast.. these help me alot. And keep my mind occupied

Listening to cocaine recovery stories helps alot.

But what ever you do its your decision.. but my opinion.. you cant keep having him taking the piss out of you if he is missing bills and you are stuggling.

Can you not have all his wage put into your account from now on?

Feel free to ask me anything

replying to Danman83

Thank you so much for responding. I really appreciate and take in everything you have said.

His parents don't want no involvement with him anymore. They are absolutely disgusted what he has put his family through to the point there's no money to pay the bills or feed the children. I will ask if they would be prepared to sit down with me and him but I can't see it happening. I'll let you know.

The problem is I sat him down this same time last month and laid it all out in the line. I said there's no more back ups, both parents have helped us out financially to just buy food and household bits but they've now both stretched themselves to their limits (they're all retired). I said if he didn't start getting the proper help and show me an improvement in this months wage then that's it. I can't afford to have him here anymore. I'm not naive and understand it's going to take time but there was literally no improvement at all this month. For the last 9 months I've been given him another chance to sort it out but it's still not happening. I feel like I don't have a choice anymore.

When you started going to your meetings how long did it take you to stop. I know you've had a few relapses since but initially when did you stop and how did you feel when you did? Sorry to ask what is probably such a personal thing.

Oh my husband does drink. He'll quite happily drink 4 ciders every evening but he says he uses during the day rather than at night. He doesn't really have any friends so doesn't go out after work or at weekends. If his work found out he'd immediately get the sack due to his job.

Oh and he pays his wages straight into my account on my payday but he pays off a by at he owes first. Personally I don't understand why anyone would be happy to lend that sort of money on a monthly basis. I always thought you had to pay for drugs when you get it. Is that right?

Thank you again for helping!!

replying to Mumtothree

I didnt go to meetings. I went to one on one councilling sessions and learned techniques how to quit.. it helps alot more when you really want to quit.. you can put it in front of me now and i wouldnt want it.

Plus.. your hubby needs knock everything on the head btw.. the drinking wont help.. when mixed with coke.. it forms another drug in the body.. i forgot what its called now. Basically its worse with beer.

It sounds like hes really stuck in a rut ajd only has you..

replying to Mumtothree

But if u give him a chance. Sit him down.. swear your head off at him.. tell him these are the rules.. thats fuking it now! U change your life around or im gone.. simple as.. and help him if he decides to. I know its hard.

But this is all i can suggest. He really does need to want to quit tho

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