: Share Your Story

Discuss what it's really like with your peers

5 replies

I want to help my partner but don't know how

I've been trying to help my partner, we have been together 2 years, he only had a small problem when we got together which i managed to help him cut down. But then he started drinking more and more. He drinks everyday and always has an excuse. It got really bad a couple of weeks ago when he got completely drunk and next day had to work very early and was still over the limit (his job involves driving all day) I told him pretty much our relationship was on the line, not those exact words. To be honest I dont drink at all and not known someone with a drink problem before so not sure how to handle it.

He told me he would cut down... he lasted 4 days which i told him i'm proud of him for, he was getting happier. But then his friends (they also know he has a problem) invited him out drinking so he went straight back to it, drinking everyday. His friends continuously invite him out to drink, not to do anything else. Even when he tells them he don't really want to go out they say things to make him feel bad such as "i will just go see someone else then since you cant be bothered" I do know that if we lived together i would be able to help him more but we are not in the financial situation to move from our parents house.

I can't tell him not to see his friends because i don't want to sound controlling.

We argue a lot about his drinking, i don't know what to do or how to talk to him. His never been violent but he does get moody. It's causing a big strain on our relationship and i'm worried about his health so much, I want him to see a doctor but he wants to do it on his own. Is there a way i can talk to him or any right phrases to use ?

I don't want to walk away from this relationship, everything is good and its much better when he don't drink at all. He said his been AA before we met and they didn't help him. His 29 now.

We did argue last night through messages and think his getting annoyed with me keep bringing it up, maybe i do sounds controlling :/

1 reply

replying to Pheonix

Maybe he is drinking for a reason, like to escape from reality.

It is just a suggestion as i do things to escape from reality myself. Have you asked him if he has anything he is keeping to himself? From his past maybe?

Just a suggestion

replying to Pheonix

I know that he has had other addictions before and he battled those. His ex was an alcoholic and they kind of just ended up drinking together all the time

He has debt and feels like his ruined his life from other addictions (gambling is one)

Now whenever he drinks he says there is no point going out for lunch or dinner if you cant drink with it, he says his stressed all the time, then says he needs it to help him sleep, to help him stay awake, because his bored and drinking is the only thing to do.

His mum is a people pleaser and buys him drinks everyday for at home.

I will talk to him when i see him to ask if there is anything else his escaping from so i can try to help.

replying to Lostboy

I know that he has had other addictions before and he battled those. His ex was an alcoholic and they kind of just ended up drinking together all the time

He has debt and feels like his ruined his life from other addictions (gambling is one)

Now whenever he drinks he says there is no point going out for lunch or dinner if you cant drink with it, he says his stressed all the time, then says he needs it to help him sleep, to help him stay awake, because his bored and drinking is the only thing to do.

His mum is a people pleaser and buys him drinks everyday for at home.

I will talk to him when i see him to ask if there is anything else his escaping from so i can try to help.

1 reply

replying to Pheonix

My husband drinks as a result of feeling lonely when i am out or when he is bored. Maybe encourage a new hobby or going out more to do different things that maybe they enjoyed in the past? It certainly helps me and my husband. Take care . You’re not alone and I know how awful it can be to try and help when they don’t feel like they need it .

replying to Helen300

I tried getting him into doing new things and asked about hobbies but he said he has none, the closest thing i could do was go play pool or go bowling but they all have bars there. Right now after our argument his ignoring me so not sure how to even deal with that, i was hoping to see him this weekend and thats when i could properly talk about how to help him, also hoping its a weekend he can not drink at all. Not even sure how to get him to have a normal conversation now. His drink problem is destroying our relationship and he cant even see it.

1 reply

replying to Pheonix

Firstly you do not sound controlling at all and don’t let anyone (or him) make you feel like you are. You care about him and recognise that there is a problem. Has he admitted that he has a problem or does he just think it’s all fine?

I ask because when I first met my partner I knew he dabbled in cocaine but that’s all I thought it was and he told me he would give up when we got together. However he was doing it behind my back for a long time and I had no idea, I then found out and he said he would stop, fast forward a month and I found out he hadn’t stopped at all at which point he admitted he was an addict and couldn’t stop. His friends all seem to do it and despite me telling them they need to not do it around him and stop asking him to do it they haven’t so in the end he has blocked a few people and just won’t see them now (as far as I know).. the problem is he has to admit that he needs help himself and make these decisions himself. Until he does he won’t stop. Ultimately there is nothing that you can do unless he wants to stop.

I think sit him down and tell him straight that this is very difficult for you and you love and care about him but you can’t live like this, speak honestly and tell him how much of an effect it has on you because I think half the time they don’t actually realise. I’m not a professional obviously and there are people that you can speak to that can give you professional advice but as a fellow partner of an addict I just wanted to reach out and offer you some support. Please come on here and chat whenever you need to because it’s so important that you look after yourself x

replying to Pheonix

Also I would speak to his mum if you feel able to.. tell her that you are worried and you don’t think he should be drinking, she may not realise how bad it is or may be burying her head in the sand about it, few mothers want to admit their child has a problem unfortunately. My mother in law is exactly the same, she won’t buy him cocaine obviously and told him last time if he did it again she didn’t want to know him BUT she will not admit that he has a problem and needs help..

1 reply

replying to Joemily

His admitted it's a problem, he tried to see a doctor apparently but they sent him for ultra sound to check his liver but he never turned up. I feel controlling cause i'm telling him what to do.

We want to move in together (currently both live with out parents) and it would be easier for him to cut down, the area we first decided to move is where all his drinking friends are so i picked another area which is nicer and away from my past too (honestly i was a an addict- not alcohol or drugs, so want to get away from all those people i might bump into, my partner helped me through that when we was just friends) currently i don't work so i have nothing to distract me from overthinking. He said his tried hypnosis before, not sure whether to believe him.

I'm seeing him this weekend, so worried about bringing everything up because its like a circle. I know his been drinking all week and tomorrow he don't have work, i'm not seeing him but i won't be surprised if his drinking with his friends again. Don't know whether to invite him over.

I don't mean to make excuses for him but is it possible its harder for him because he quit drugs 3 years ago, then quit gambling 2 years ago, trying to quit smoking and cut down on alcohol. Would it be too hard on him if i kept trying to talk to him and push? There was some things said that i'm not sure what to make of when he was last with me and drinking like his "not sure if he wants to be with me anymore" and i got angry cause literally the night before that he spent the night with me so i felt a little used. His never like that when he hasn't been drinking but i'm also scared of bringing that up. We are usually very sexually active but don't know where to go after him saying that :/ do i ask if he meant it, when he hasn't been drinking.

Sorry if its to much information but i literally have no friends and i'm so alone trying to get every detail out before it stays locked up in my mind going in circles.

I thought this was a forever relationship and we even had a special 'how we met' story but sometimes when i see him drink i blame myself, have i done enough? am i enabling him? how do i speak about it delicately again? Could the pushing make him drink more?

His mum does know but still buys him drink everyday and if he runs out she will give him her wine. I barely talk to his parents about anything because i'm quite shy. Even when he overdosed on drugs and was in hospital they didn't do anything (his ex gave him the drugs and they just let him go back to her)

replying to Pheonix

okay so firstly he has admitted that he has a problem which is the first step but he needs to get help, unless he does something about it nothing will change. he also has to want something to change which maybe at this point he doesn't.

I know you think moving in with him is the answer and then you can help him etc but believe me it's unlikely to work like that. You cannot stop him unless he wants to stop and honestly if I'd known what I know now I would never have moved in with my partner because it's extremely difficult. I really would stay where you are for now, you have to look after yourself too and living with him will be very tough. Moving away will not change anything, yes he might be away from the people he drinks with but he will find a way to drink anyway believe me, unless he wants to stop he's not going to.

At the moment it seems he is making excuses not to stop but you are also making excuses for him and that means you are enabling him whether you mean to or not. Enabling can be emotional as well as physical and I may sound harsh here, I don't mean to but I wish someone had told me this when I first got into this. I enabled my partner by making constant excuses for him and just letting him get away with awful things and now I've made my bed, I love him and I want to help him but quite frankly I had enough and I told him either he started going to meetings etc and helping himself or I was done and at this point I mean it because it's so so hard.

Him speaking to you like that is unacceptable, whether he was drunk or not is NOT an excuse and don't let it be one. Yes you need to speak to him about it and tell him you will not put up with him being hurtful like that to you, ask him if he meant what he said, chances are he didn't and he was just reacting to other things but it's not okay to put you through that and he needs to be told.

It's not too much information and that's what we're here for to support, I understand, I do have friends but I still can't talk to them because I don't think they'll understand.

Honestly at the moment yes I think you are enabling him but, and I cannot stress this enough, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is the one drinking and he is responsible for his own actions. I have been there, wondering if it's me putting too much stress on him etc etc but the fact remains they are responsible for what they are doing, you are not. Don't let him or anyone make you feel like you are to blame.

You need to sit him down (when he is sober) and speak frankly to him, tell him enough is enough and you cannot live like this. I know it's hard and you're scared to lose him but being in a relationship like you are isn't making you happy so it seems you don't have a lot to lose by being honest with him. Good luck and do come back and talk whenever you need to. There is also another site called Families Anonymous which is good that you may wish to check out, they have meetings across the Country also so you can meet other families of addicts which may or may not be helpful for you x

Access to this forum has been temporarily disabled for all users. If you are looking for immediate support, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123.

We have temporarily closed this forum for maintenance and review.

Adfam exists to provide support for, and improve the lives of, families affected by substance use, and we have found that in recent months the balance of posts has shifted to focus on users’ personal issues with substances and addiction. While we recognise that these are issues that deserve support, the high volume of posts had become unmanageable for our small team, and was preventing us from facilitating support for families. We have closed the forum to re-evaluate, and we will be re-launching as soon as possible with a renewed focus on family support. From that point on, we will not be facilitating any conversation regarding individuals’ own substance use.

If you are looking for support for your own substance use, there are other community-based forums online, such as at www.reddit.com/r/drugs and www.reddit.com/r/alcohol.

If you are affected by a loved one’s drug or alcohol use, and you are looking for support, you can find local services and recommended helplines on our Search for local support page.

If you have any queries, comments, or suggestions for our relaunched forum please do get in touch: forum@admin.org.uk