I’m writing this because I have no one left in my life.
I am a 27 year old male, currently laying in bed waiting for my 9am alarm to go off to start my 13 Hour bar shift high on cocaine and cocodamol and can’t sleep with 2 people I barely know in an air BNB
Sleeping in other beds in the same room (it’s 07:30)
Now forgive the morbidity but I’ve contemplated suicide several times, actually every time I do drugs I’ll keep going with the hope I’ll overdose ... truthfully, every time ... yet my tolerance is higher than my bank balance so never succeeded.
My mum, older brother and I had a fucking shit up bringing by the most lovable mum in the world. We were dragged through her poor choices but never once blamed her as everything she had she gave to us.. domestic violence, heroin addiction, international drug smuggling, homelessness for 13 years, on the run from her ex husband (my biological father) constantly paranoid about being found, bullyed at school, and by him psychologically and physically .. death threats, coffins posted to us with my name on and stab wounds, muggings, arrests, rape, peodophillia, suicides, divorces, racism, ... tbh ... you name it we’ve been through it... we’ve seen it all.
Don’t get me wrong my mum now has met someone who is great and been together for 15 years, and I couldn’t be happier for them both ...
But my childhood story is hard to accept but our past doesn’t define us, it’s how we come through, and deal with that trauma makes us who we are.
But imagine disassociating yourself from reality so much so you never really grow into who you think you were intended to be, because of your past... never learning how to cope ... instead, living your life pleasing everyone but yourself to make sure the shit you went through never happens to anyone else in your control...
For example; someone asks your name and you don’t feel comfortable saying it because it’s not a true representation of who you believe you are.
My name is Brandon but I’ve never ever said it with confidence as I truely don’t believe I deserve a place on this earth, therefore having a name is irrelevant as nobody will ever need to know it.
But cocaine helps to numb it. Painkillers and every other drug helps me forget, for the peak of the high ... then the depressive chat happens and everyone else on drugs has a solution for your shit blah blah 12 hours of
My school friends used to be there but theyve moved on.
Friends I considered family - now have no time for my shit.
I’m living in the past and can’t move forward, on my own.
What should I do?
Therapy doesn’t help (I’ve tried it all)
Mindfulness, making new friends, changing my personality to suit social situations ... but the only time I ever feel like the real me is when I’m on codeine or coke.
Do I carry on taking, content with dying young or change my drug habits to be happier? - (logically that seems like the best bet but an impossibility)
How do you deal with demons and how do you move forward? I want to stay alive purely because drugs are great... but at the moment I don’t see any point in carrying on without them.
Hit me up????