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Addiction

I’m writing this because I have no one left in my life.

I am a 27 year old male, currently laying in bed waiting for my 9am alarm to go off to start my 13 Hour bar shift high on cocaine and cocodamol and can’t sleep with 2 people I barely know in an air BNB

Sleeping in other beds in the same room (it’s 07:30)

Now forgive the morbidity but I’ve contemplated suicide several times, actually every time I do drugs I’ll keep going with the hope I’ll overdose ... truthfully, every time ... yet my tolerance is higher than my bank balance so never succeeded.

My mum, older brother and I had a fucking shit up bringing by the most lovable mum in the world. We were dragged through her poor choices but never once blamed her as everything she had she gave to us.. domestic violence, heroin addiction, international drug smuggling, homelessness for 13 years, on the run from her ex husband (my biological father) constantly paranoid about being found, bullyed at school, and by him psychologically and physically .. death threats, coffins posted to us with my name on and stab wounds, muggings, arrests, rape, peodophillia, suicides, divorces, racism, ... tbh ... you name it we’ve been through it... we’ve seen it all.

Don’t get me wrong my mum now has met someone who is great and been together for 15 years, and I couldn’t be happier for them both ...

But my childhood story is hard to accept but our past doesn’t define us, it’s how we come through, and deal with that trauma makes us who we are.

But imagine disassociating yourself from reality so much so you never really grow into who you think you were intended to be, because of your past... never learning how to cope ... instead, living your life pleasing everyone but yourself to make sure the shit you went through never happens to anyone else in your control...

For example; someone asks your name and you don’t feel comfortable saying it because it’s not a true representation of who you believe you are.

My name is Brandon but I’ve never ever said it with confidence as I truely don’t believe I deserve a place on this earth, therefore having a name is irrelevant as nobody will ever need to know it.

But cocaine helps to numb it. Painkillers and every other drug helps me forget, for the peak of the high ... then the depressive chat happens and everyone else on drugs has a solution for your shit blah blah 12 hours of

Blaaaaaaah.

My school friends used to be there but theyve moved on.

Friends I considered family - now have no time for my shit.

I’m living in the past and can’t move forward, on my own.

What should I do?

Therapy doesn’t help (I’ve tried it all)

Mindfulness, making new friends, changing my personality to suit social situations ... but the only time I ever feel like the real me is when I’m on codeine or coke.

Do I carry on taking, content with dying young or change my drug habits to be happier? - (logically that seems like the best bet but an impossibility)

How do you deal with demons and how do you move forward? I want to stay alive purely because drugs are great... but at the moment I don’t see any point in carrying on without them.

Hit me up????

1 reply

replying to Brandon

Dear Brand8n,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. Well done for speaking up. If you are ever feeling suicidal you should call the Samaritans on 116 123. They offer a lending and supportive ear to anyone who needs to talk, at any time of day or night. Their helpline is confidential and non judgemental.

Frank operates a confidential helpline for people worried about their drug use. They would be worth calling as well. Their number is 0300 1236600, and talking to them could be the first step in finding support.

Best wishes,

replying to CMxx

Wow,

I never expected to receive a reply. Thank you for your advice.

The only trouble is I’ve been down that route of the Samaritans and talking to frank.

There end solution is always: seek counselling. ...

Counselling usually consists of the the therapist telling me to solve my issues and resolving them to stop using them as a vice or excuse to do drugs ... yet how to you solve scarred memories with no possible way of rectifying mistakes due to either death or court orders... apart from the old:

‘Be strong’, ‘more people are worse off’ ‘you’re depressed; here’s medication’ ...

When I do drugs I talk to randomers about my life. When I’m sober I bottle it up. Counselling I opened up and being sober made it worse and made me worse. - in the sense I had to escape from the truth.

Obviously facing the truth and confronting the problems face on solves them eventually. But how does one even contemplate trying to forget / move on from personal trauma without a temporary escape/ release from it all.

If anyone finds that solution hit me up because I’m struggling here.

I have now added more work into my schedule so I’m not going to be 11 weeks away from home in random houses, air bnb’s and hotels yet every where I go I find cocaine... simply to try and escape my home life reality ,., yet situational based addiction is killing me. I can’t seem to change my mental situation.

So many things in there ...

(Have to be honest though it feels so good to get it all off my mind and onto paper, this is a first for me)

1 reply

replying to Brandon

Hi

Your not on your own I need the stuff out my life makes feel crap

Waste money makes skin crap sleeping pattern lazy as tired nose runs sore all that and more but can’t just kick it. I have got weeks not had it then gone otherway go mad on it. I suffer with annixety that’s goes through roof when have the drug and I know that when had good couple weeks with out I feel great. I work full time got little boy too.

I started taking it when my ex partner became violent smashing things up windows through my car alsorts stuff I took it block reality out. Just looking for info off anyone that working at stopping it x

replying to Mollie24

You have to accept the fact you want help. And that you have a problem.

Read this book. It has helped me so far. It’s not a solution but it helps me understand more about why I have these emotions.

Realm of hungry ghost encounters addiction.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/1785042203/ref=asc_df_1785042203/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310831412334&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11139702127948115100&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006628&hvtargid=pla-565028986465&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

Stay strong x

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