I really need some advice and maybe reassurance that this isn’t me!!
I’ve been with my partner for over 19 months. Known each other longer.
I’ve noticed his drinking has become more of an issue but is actually masking or substitute for cocaine use.
I have no idea what he did before we met but what he said he wasn’t in a good place and finds it hard to re-adjust to a normal way of life.....
A few months back after a weekend which I found out was fuelled by cocaine and bottles on bottles of vodka he shoved my chest hard and backed me into the wall screaming at me. I hadn’t provoked him or even spoken to him was just giving him silent treatment and staying out of his way. Went to get a drink and he came at me verbally.
He claims he has no memory of this....but a few months later he mentioned the conversation we had prior to that - is it selective memory or maybe it’s blackouts?
He didn’t apologise at first took a few days up to a month even and said he was disgusted with his behaviour.
Then a few months passed it happened once again (no shoving this time) but screaming in my face and hit something out of my hand. He apologised this time after a few hours and said he just goes into an uncontrollable rage and what he describes as tunnel vision.
As far as I’m aware he’s not been using cocaine for a while. Although he’s been lying about his alcohol consumption but I’d rather him do one than the other.
Things looked like he was getting himself in a good place.....until this week...he became withdrawn a little from me...told me he thought I was unhappy with the relationship - I see this as projection!! He’s done this before..however I also see this as causing a row so he can go use! And that’s exactly what he did!!
He’s been through 6 litre of vodka and god knows how many bags of cocaine this weekend. He’s accused me of being a liar, bullshitter, I don’t love him etc. He spent the whole day in the bedroom yesterday I checked on him once or twice and all I’d have is verbal abuse - so I left him alone as didn’t want things to escalate.
And guess what they did!!
He was completely intoxicated and his eyes change and so does his personality....he came at me and shoved me hard twice in the chest. I told him not to lay a finger on me and leave me alone. He left the room. A few hours passed I went to get something from the room he was in and he did it again three times and I said that’ll be the last time he ever does that! I needed to express its not acceptable to do that to me. I hadn’t drunk a drop all weekend.
I continued to ignore him he told me he is done with the relationship and that I shouldn’t contact him this week.
I told him shoving me in that manner is unacceptable and he said he never did it...when?? Seriously he did!! Does he have blackouts or just selective memory. He called me a liar that he never did that and questioned me when and what did I say to provoke him???? I kept out of his way and ignored him.
If I’m honest the past three Sundays without the shoving but verbal abuse and nastiness has happened because he’s drunken himself into oblivion but then says he doesn’t remember certain things. Which I don’t think is the case!
He is battling what I believe addiction I know he’s been on it this weekend as well as the drinking but I’ve never judged him or lectured him!! I’ve always tried to be empathetic and try to understand but that sort of behaviour is disgusting and I’d never dream of doing that to him!!
He’s not remorseful, there’s no apology, he’s left early to work away this week which I’m so glad of if I’m honest to give me space to rationalise these events!
Their unprovoked and not fair I don’t deserve ever to be treated this way!
What should I honestly do? Help I’m so upset and honestly at my wits end feel helpless with it all.....
On one hand he can be so lovely and then a dark vile side appears when drink and drugs are in and I can’t see it changing....