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I’m so upset not sure what to do for the best?

I really need some advice and maybe reassurance that this isn’t me!!

I’ve been with my partner for over 19 months. Known each other longer.

I’ve noticed his drinking has become more of an issue but is actually masking or substitute for cocaine use.

I have no idea what he did before we met but what he said he wasn’t in a good place and finds it hard to re-adjust to a normal way of life.....

A few months back after a weekend which I found out was fuelled by cocaine and bottles on bottles of vodka he shoved my chest hard and backed me into the wall screaming at me. I hadn’t provoked him or even spoken to him was just giving him silent treatment and staying out of his way. Went to get a drink and he came at me verbally.

He claims he has no memory of this....but a few months later he mentioned the conversation we had prior to that - is it selective memory or maybe it’s blackouts?

He didn’t apologise at first took a few days up to a month even and said he was disgusted with his behaviour.

Then a few months passed it happened once again (no shoving this time) but screaming in my face and hit something out of my hand. He apologised this time after a few hours and said he just goes into an uncontrollable rage and what he describes as tunnel vision.

As far as I’m aware he’s not been using cocaine for a while. Although he’s been lying about his alcohol consumption but I’d rather him do one than the other.

Things looked like he was getting himself in a good place.....until this week...he became withdrawn a little from me...told me he thought I was unhappy with the relationship - I see this as projection!! He’s done this before..however I also see this as causing a row so he can go use! And that’s exactly what he did!!

He’s been through 6 litre of vodka and god knows how many bags of cocaine this weekend. He’s accused me of being a liar, bullshitter, I don’t love him etc. He spent the whole day in the bedroom yesterday I checked on him once or twice and all I’d have is verbal abuse - so I left him alone as didn’t want things to escalate.

And guess what they did!!

He was completely intoxicated and his eyes change and so does his personality....he came at me and shoved me hard twice in the chest. I told him not to lay a finger on me and leave me alone. He left the room. A few hours passed I went to get something from the room he was in and he did it again three times and I said that’ll be the last time he ever does that! I needed to express its not acceptable to do that to me. I hadn’t drunk a drop all weekend.

I continued to ignore him he told me he is done with the relationship and that I shouldn’t contact him this week.

I told him shoving me in that manner is unacceptable and he said he never did it...when?? Seriously he did!! Does he have blackouts or just selective memory. He called me a liar that he never did that and questioned me when and what did I say to provoke him???? I kept out of his way and ignored him.

If I’m honest the past three Sundays without the shoving but verbal abuse and nastiness has happened because he’s drunken himself into oblivion but then says he doesn’t remember certain things. Which I don’t think is the case!

He is battling what I believe addiction I know he’s been on it this weekend as well as the drinking but I’ve never judged him or lectured him!! I’ve always tried to be empathetic and try to understand but that sort of behaviour is disgusting and I’d never dream of doing that to him!!

He’s not remorseful, there’s no apology, he’s left early to work away this week which I’m so glad of if I’m honest to give me space to rationalise these events!

Their unprovoked and not fair I don’t deserve ever to be treated this way!

What should I honestly do? Help I’m so upset and honestly at my wits end feel helpless with it all.....

On one hand he can be so lovely and then a dark vile side appears when drink and drugs are in and I can’t see it changing....

replying to Gil

Gil,

Morning, I want you to know that your story is not new and very concerning. As you already know physical contact is never acceptable in any circumstance and regardless of his explanation for blacking out which in my extensive experience I know to be unrealistic. Anyway, your not going to be able to help him with his addiction because your too close to him. Absolutely 1000% he’s deep in a physical and mental addiction that needs professional help and his GP or local addiction ctr is his first step to get the help he needs. Please please don’t get yourself into a long term abusive situation because his behaviour will definitely not change and he is fully aware of what he has done to you but can’t control the addiction. Firstly, You need to stay safe ! But you need to insist on him getting help for his addiction and don’t take “no I’m not” because he is. If you fear telling him then do it in a public place or write him a letter.

I guarantee you he will never escape cocaine or alcohol on his own as it’s not possible. And do not EVER let him put his hands on you again!!!!!

If you live in the same house then find an alternative because it’s just a house. I’m sure he’s a nice person without the poison but first he needs to stop everything to become that person. I wish you the best of luck.

replying to Gil

Hi Gil,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you are having a tough time and am concerned that your partner has been abusive to you.

Please keep yourself safe and if you need information and advice you can phone the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. This line is free and confidential and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I work for a charity called Icarus Trust which offers support to people dealing with the addiction of a partner. If you think we can be of help too please get in touch.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website www.icarustrust.org

Good luck and keep safe.

1 reply

replying to Gil

Your story is a similar one to mine , in fact I was reading it thinking wow this is my life. I understand what you’re going through, the pain and the helplessness. Please remember to look after yourself . I say this as I’m crying because my husband has been drinking and been horrible to me an hour ago. Only they can decide to change. You have to make sure you are ok. My husband has not spoken to me for 3 days because he got blind drunk, smashed a glass across the kitchen and punched the wall , and I think is so embarrassed by it that he doesn’t know what to say. I feel desperately sorry for him and for your partner as we stay with them because we like the sober half. Please stay safe xx

replying to Helen300

Thanks for your reply.

So I eventually got an apology 4 days later and told it would never happen again.

But I’m not so sure......

he doesn’t remember the shoving????? and said he doesn’t remember much.....

guess what! He’s been on it again this weekend blind drunk and literally packed his stuff up and left....not even rowed as such....

I’m adamant I’m not chasing him this time. He needs to sober up and come down off whatever he’s on and think about things as this is a constant circle and I literally can’t take it anymore....

replying to Gil

Hiya im struggling with coke and lapsing once every month a bout..

Your are totally right about the starting arguments to get coke.

In his head he will be going through emotional, mental, physical relapse.

So emotional comes 1st.. he will start arguments to get coke, or feel down cause problems. Its your brain playing tricks on you. Im not defending him here but its horrible going through it. If he never ever tried it, well obvioulsy he wouldnt be this person. Some get hooked more than others. He wont mean things he says. Its just what it does.

He defo needs to quit drinking as this is a main trigger to get coke.

Have u any kids?

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