Talk about your experiences with others.

Posts by B8988

joined

95 posts in 23 threads

Girlfriend with multiple addiction problems by

Basically whist she’s in active addict you need to stop trying to understand any of her behaviour as it’s all bonkers. In the past I’ve poured my heart out to my husband and he’s took one little bit of say 10 paragraphs and twisted what he wanted and ignored the rest. On Valentine’s Day last year I poured my heart out in pages of handwritten notes, pointing out how bad his behaviour is and how much it was killing me and his kids along with a wooden box with photos of us all throughout the years, hoping to trigger some kind of emotion out in him. He didn’t even respond. When he was feeling better and off drugs for a short while, he admitted that he didn’t feel anything and on reflection he thought it was sad! They will only see our help as nagging. No criticism of any kind will be constructive. I know it’s hard but until they stop and some considerable time has past, you’re fighting a losing battle.

Being with an addict that's in recovery by

Hi there, I think they recommend a year sober before thinking about getting into a new relationship. I think it’s down to a lot of things but primarily a new relationship can sabotage his recovery. His no1 focus needs to be on staying well, yours needs to be on you. Six months is great, but if you’re realistic it’s no time to jump straight back into a full on relationship. Why don’t you remain friends? see how it goes, be there for him as a friend but at a distance, I can definitely understand your hesitance at not wanting to get hurt again. I am married to an addict in recovery (8 months) clean and I still tread on eggshells in certain situations. If he really likes you and you really like him, then time will tell if it’s meant to be. Don’t focus on his recovery, or his drug addiction, that’s his issues. I know with my husband I became so focused on drugs, that they took over my life and I’ve never even touched them. Enjoy stuff together, normal stuff. Go out for coffee, the cinema, haha you get my drift anyway. I’m guessing that whilst in addiction he probably didn’t get that much enjoyment out of normal things so make up for lost time. Good luck.

1 of 2 posts

My son and cocaine by

Thanks for sharing that, I always find it really interesting listening to the addicts mindset, because from the outside it all seems mad and so irrational. My husband tried many times to get clean, moved away various times, but each time he found ways of obtaining drugs, or switching one drug for another. He stopped coke but continued taking codeine etc. So where I’d always blamed the coke, his mood was just as awful on codeine. I don’t think it’s one particular drug that’s to blame, although coke it notorious for the extreme mood changes, it’s once the path has been crossed over into addiction that the problems start. That’s when the lying, the manipulation etc. Comes into play. I like you, don’t understand it, eventually he just stopped. I worked on me and left him to do as he wanted. It was then, he chose another path for himself. So I’m thinking, it doesn’t matter where you are, how much your family threaten, or love you, nothing will stop you, until you reach that decision for yourself. I do agree, that when you’re in deep addiction, you need to get away, even temporarily, just so you’re out of that cycle, to then begin to contemplate another way of life. When my husband was deep in and using lots, nothing could have convinced him otherwise, once the money began to run out and I stopped caring, it seemed to loosen the grip.

by Danman83

2 of 15 posts

A new kind of Midlife crisis by

Hi there. Basically ask yourself are you happy? Is his behaviour having a negative effect on you? Do you realistically see yourself having children with this person? Because the way he is now may be the way he will be forever. I know it’s a lot to take in but you need to set some boundaries. Maybe research realistic ones, whatever you set make sure you follow them through though, otherwise he won’t take you seriously and you’ll end up feeling worse. You need to seek help for yourself. You need to break away from the cycle to see what you actually want. You sound like you’ve got used to putting up with his behaviour and are now just turning a blind eye to it! The life you want to live is out there but it has to start with changes made by you. Someone once said to me “ your husband might be acting insane due to drugs, but you are the sane one and you need to do what’s best for you”. Look for al anon or drug support groups in your area, they will help to give you the strength to do what’s best for you! Xx

1 of 2 posts

Cocaine by

Yes I had him back. Whilst he is trying I’m prepared to give him the chance, however if it comes to it that he’s slipping back I think it will be time to walk. I’ve had to have lots of counselling both as a couple and on my own. It’s hard to forget all the crap! But I know if I want it to work I Have to try. I think I only have as before drugs my husband was the most loving, loyal and most selfless person you could meet, none of this behaviour was him, it was all drugs. I’m annoyed that he was silly enough to touch the horrible stuff In the first place but I know he wouldn’t have ever dreamed that it would have got so bad! Everyone’s situation is different, I definitely wouldn’t stay with an active addict though.

2 of 9 posts

Lapsed again on coke :( by

Hi Georgia, I feel for you, I really do. I do think now’s the time that you take a leaf out of your own book, you’ve given some great advice to others about walking away and leaving them to face the consequences of their own actions, now you should try to do the same. This will continue to happen, as with addiction “as you know”, they are either in recovery or active addiction. Focus on you! stop texting him! Don’t be there to support him whilst he’s choosing to behave like this. (I know how hard this is, by the way) it’s all to do with codependency. I like you and many others, was so codependent that I lost myself, as my husbands addiction was my sole focus. My husband is nearly 5 months clean and his behaviour and personality is back to pre drug days, however, I’m always waiting for a lapse/relapse. however, this time if he does, I think I’ll be fully prepared to let him walk. How much longer do we want to put our lives on hold? Aren’t we bored of drug talk? I know that I am! Please think of everything you’ve been through already, practise self help and even if you don’t feel like it do stuff you’d normally enjoy until you actually start enjoying it again. His ex is always gonna be in the picture, he can’t keep using her as an excuse to go off the rails and neither can you! My husband used me as the reason he’d use until we went to marriage counselling and it was pointed out that he was doing it to himself, not me! Google (drama triangle) me and my husband were always playing different roles, victim, rescuer and persecutor and so the cycle continued. We’ve both taken steps to come out of the triangle and take responsibility of own own actions. No matter how tempting it is, DO NOT rescue him! Keep strong xxx

by

1 of 69 posts

What’s next? by

Hi there. I think you know what you need to do, Hence you being on here. That’s good! At least you’ve recognised that you have a problem, that’s the first step in doing something to try to change it. You said “in the pub after a bad day at work.” Maybe you need to find healthier ways of tackling when you’re feeling crap. Cocaine is a quick fix that in the long run makes you end up feeling worse. I’d talk to your gf about stopping. Tbh if she won’t get onboard with you i’d seriously think about maybe ending it. Your health should be your number one priority and if she is using, the chances of you being able to just stop are slim due to the mental pull of the drug. Good luck!!

so I left ???? by

Hi Hun, sorry I’ve read some of your previous posts. I too am married to a cocaine addict who’s currently in recovery but I feel for you. I know how awful they can be. I think you’ve done the right thing. No one deserves to be treated the way you have, I know it’s terribly hard but do your best to look after yourself. I’ve recently joined al-anon as there isn’t many drug support groups for families in my area but they are all the same, working the 12 steps. It’s nice to meet others who are going through the same as you. I’m sure your journey with your partner won’t just end here, unfortunately with addicts we have to ride the storm of their ups and downs. Whilst he was vile last weekend I’m sure he will soon have periods of being normal/nice, this is when you may be tempted to go back. You just don’t want it to keep being repeated over and over again. This is the situation I have found myself in. Keep strong (you’ve got this!)