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Posts by Huddle

joined

38 posts in 21 threads

Back to same old same old by

Well after my son showing some signs that he wanted to change his life last week & a promise that he would join hubby and I for tea tonight, he’s put a note through my door today to say he’s not coming as he is too embarrassed to face us. He’s admitted to returning to begging again & put his bank card & security number in the envelope asking me to withdraw the money £60 NEXT Weds & give it to his sister to pay for the petrol to take him to the rehab centre. All well & good but he hasn’t got a confirmed date to go yet and the last time he gave US money to look after for him (about 18 months ago) within hours he had broken into our house to retrieve it from the mantelpiece! Well I’m posting it back to him. I don’t want the responsibility of it or listen to his nonsense. Asking him to commit to rehab is clearly too big an ask. I am sick of the shame he is bringing to the family in a small town community where he and his family are known. He’s not ready for change despite him saying he is. So sad but it’s made me cross with him & I don’t want to be. He won’t make the effort & I only see more pain watching him sink further and further down.

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New to this and really struggling by

Hi MaryJayne, so sorry to read your story. Have you a close friend or family member you can talk to? Chances are others will have noticed you’re down and you do need someone close to share with. You are NOT to blame for your hubby’s drinking. He is making that choice for himself and you should not feel guilty. Has he admitted he has a problem or is he in denial? Do you have children? Do you work? You need to find a hobby/an outside interest. You have to live your life. Your husband needs to make the decision himself to get the help he needs. Stay strong. Try writing your husband a letter to explain how his drinking is worrying you and affecting you. Sending you a big hug.

I feel like I failed by

Oh wow Ginger71 how dreadful for you. I’ve replied to Justamum so hopefully you’ll read my post & learn where I’m up to with my son. Hubby took me to Cumbria overnight this last weekend as he could see I was at breaking point. As I’ve mentioned I got home to find a note from my son asking for food & money, then I saw him tonight (all described in my post to Justamum). All the benefit of the fresh air & “away from it” vanished in a millisecond on seeing my son & the awful state he is in. More tears, more worry & despair. My heart is screaming at me to relent, let him move in etc but my head equally screams “No!” - he MUST help himself & stop relying on me & others to bail him out & keep lifting him up only for our hopes & dreams to come down with a crash when he returns to the one thing that is destroying him. I have this constant image of him now in my head. I can’t help but look at photos of him as a young boy - laughing, smiling, healthy & loving life. My heart will never be the same. I cannot stand the lies, the deceit, the false promises. It’s a rollercoaster of intensifying agony & I really can’t bear another moment. Tomorrow is another day, wearing my mask as so many others suffering have to do as their loved one presses “self destruct”. I am trying to stay strong but every minute that becomes harder. Hugs to all especially Danman83, Justamum, Ginger71 & all that have posted a reply to me. God Bless you all xxx

Staying strong by

Well I haven’t had my son visit for over three weeks but he’s been seen begging at various spots around town and my ex-husband (his father) received two telephone calls from him asking for money, “I’ve got no food” “I’m your son” etc. His father refused to give him money. My son won’t get money from me either but when he does eventually visit I will of course give him a hot meal, let him shower and clean himself. I’ve got a new job which starts next month and tomorrow my husband (my son’s stepdad) is taking me for an overnight break to the Lake District. I love my son so much but as I’ve said so many times I won’t love the life he chooses to live or the addict he seems to prefer to be. The offer of rehab is still available for now but he’ll only get a start date when he shows his key worker commitment and that he’s reducing his use. I’ve had some lovely days out with my grandson which brings me so much joy and eases the pain a little. But it’s an ache in my heart that will never go away and the longing for my ‘real’ son to come back to me and his family. The level of worry is unbearable & each day I pray (although I not religious) that my son stays safe. My son’s begging for money for drugs disgusts me. He gets a tidy sum in benefits and from the begging but every last penny is spent on cannabis and crack. I am 60 this year & I feel the life being sucked from me with the stress but I am trying to stay strong for my hubby, my daughter and her partner and my darling grandson. Some days are easier than others but I now know so much more about addiction and the cruelty of any dependency & the effects on family and loved ones. Stay strong everyone. Sending love to all, we must never give up hope.

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A shock by

Hi Lancaster78 so sorry to hear of the hard time trying to cope with your son. Read Danman83’s posts. Despite his own demon he seems to be there for everyone that wants to share. He helped me enormously a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling low and helpless. My son appears to be in his “let’s stay clear of Mum” fortnights which will continue until he decides to stroll back into my home and as much as I love him he’ll want feeding, food & comforts until he disappears again for heaven knows how long. Back to the life he chooses of turning his back on his little family & returning to begging on the street for drugs money, not eating properly & spending every penny he gets in benefit & from begging on weed and crack. It’s been 24 years of riding drug abuse. He just doesn’t want to try & get better. Even his key worker has stopped relying to my texts now so obviously he has nothing positive to tell me. Stay strong. The addict makes the decision to use. Sending love.

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A mother’s pain by

Hi Lizzie, reading your posts is just like reading all about my own life! My 39 yr old son has a serious drug problem. He begs on the streets for drug money, he looks an absolute mess & when he came to see me a fortnight ago I barely recognised him. He floats in and out of my life, leaving me for weeks on end (longest time was 10 weeks) with no visits. He has lost so much weight. His life is drugs nothing or nobody else matters. He’s been in rehab but once “out” went straight back to the drugs. His once lovely flat is a disgusting hovel. He won’t engage with his little family or his key workers. There is an offer of rehab but only if he cuts his drug use down which he won’t do. He’s been in prison for street robbery for 12 months. He’s been attacked by dealers for not paying for his pay-ons. He’s heavily in debt. When he does visit it’s because he’s desperate for food. He pleads for money and cigarettes but I now refuse to enable him. I have to move on with my own life even though the worry for us intensifies daily and we dread ‘that’ knock on the door. I dearly love my son but I refuse to love the person he prefers to be and the life he prefers to live. I am 60 in November but I’ve taught myself to be strong and just pray daily he’ll one day make the choice to stop. At the moment I just see the whole situation ending in tragedy & utterly powerless to prevent it. Sending love to you. All on this forum are going through endless suffering and it’s horrible.

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Sad by

Hi Karen, so sorry to hear about your son and the torment his addiction is causing you. My son is 39 and has a serious weed & crack problem and mental health issues. Read what Danman83 says. He is very wise and his words have helped me enormously. The addiction is my son’s not mine. As much as I love my son I must look after myself, my health and my welfare. As desperately hard as it is my son has to make the choices in his life. I wish you all the best. Stay strong. X

by Adam

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Advice with partners drinking by

Oh how I feel your pain but as much as you may not want to hear it I think you should leave for the sake of your own sanity and your beautiful daughter. Poor little thing. She must be so confused at the way her daddy acts. From what you have told everyone here there is so much suffering under your roof and so much pain. Sounds like your partner is really in denial and is blaming you for his alcoholism. Only he can break the cycle. As others have said so what if he has to go to his Mums. No one would blame you for trying, if only for a while, to regain your strength & care for yourself and your little girl. I know it won’t be easy but a break is what you need and who knows maybe losing his home “safety net” may be the jolt your partner needs to face up to his drinking problem which, judging from his “consumption list” is excessive and must be causing harm to his health and not least to the family finances. I would suggest you talk to your family, a good friend, to us on this forum to get the support you need at this incredibly difficult time. You must take some action for the sake of you and your daughter. He is making his own decisions to carry on drinking. It is not your fault although he persists in shifting the blame to you. Please read and soak up all the love and advice from this forum. Stay strong. Sending hugs.

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