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Posts by Joemily

joined

37 posts in 7 threads

I want to help my partner but don't know how by

okay so firstly he has admitted that he has a problem which is the first step but he needs to get help, unless he does something about it nothing will change. he also has to want something to change which maybe at this point he doesn't. I know you think moving in with him is the answer and then you can help him etc but believe me it's unlikely to work like that. You cannot stop him unless he wants to stop and honestly if I'd known what I know now I would never have moved in with my partner because it's extremely difficult. I really would stay where you are for now, you have to look after yourself too and living with him will be very tough. Moving away will not change anything, yes he might be away from the people he drinks with but he will find a way to drink anyway believe me, unless he wants to stop he's not going to. At the moment it seems he is making excuses not to stop but you are also making excuses for him and that means you are enabling him whether you mean to or not. Enabling can be emotional as well as physical and I may sound harsh here, I don't mean to but I wish someone had told me this when I first got into this. I enabled my partner by making constant excuses for him and just letting him get away with awful things and now I've made my bed, I love him and I want to help him but quite frankly I had enough and I told him either he started going to meetings etc and helping himself or I was done and at this point I mean it because it's so so hard. Him speaking to you like that is unacceptable, whether he was drunk or not is NOT an excuse and don't let it be one. Yes you need to speak to him about it and tell him you will not put up with him being hurtful like that to you, ask him if he meant what he said, chances are he didn't and he was just reacting to other things but it's not okay to put you through that and he needs to be told. It's not too much information and that's what we're here for to support, I understand, I do have friends but I still can't talk to them because I don't think they'll understand. Honestly at the moment yes I think you are enabling him but, and I cannot stress this enough, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is the one drinking and he is responsible for his own actions. I have been there, wondering if it's me putting too much stress on him etc etc but the fact remains they are responsible for what they are doing, you are not. Don't let him or anyone make you feel like you are to blame. You need to sit him down (when he is sober) and speak frankly to him, tell him enough is enough and you cannot live like this. I know it's hard and you're scared to lose him but being in a relationship like you are isn't making you happy so it seems you don't have a lot to lose by being honest with him. Good luck and do come back and talk whenever you need to. There is also another site called Families Anonymous which is good that you may wish to check out, they have meetings across the Country also so you can meet other families of addicts which may or may not be helpful for you x

3 of 10 posts

Waking up to reality by

IAPT are good! And in terms of private counselling, another woman in this forum said her partner goes to actual addiction counselling, have you tried googling that? She may be the stronger one and people say that about me but I’ve really struggled with all of this and haven’t wanted to say that to my partner in case it puts more stress on him and causes him to relapse.. maybe just let her know that there is help out there should you need it :) Sounds like you’re doing all of the right things so keep it up! Also try looking for groups in your area such as Narcotics anonymous, they are really helping my partner!

2 of 6 posts

Feeling so alone by

Hi Thank you for your message. We have been together about a year, live together and have pets together so I do have ties. He has admitted that he has a problem and he wants to get help, he just feels too ashamed to tell me when he wants to do it I think is the main problem... he has said the actual words I am an addict and I know he wants to stop. I am very naive about it all, I’ve never really had experience of this so it’s all new and difficult to me. I spoke to a professional yesterday and she helped a bit. He has hit rock bottom and on Sunday I sat him down and gave him the facts, I basically said either he engages with CA and whatever else it takes and speaks honestly with me about it all or I am going to have to leave for my own good and if I do I will be taking the pets as well and I think that really hit him hard. I know he can’t just cure himself instantly but my ultimatum was more that he has to do whatever it takes and work with it all and if he does want to use or relapses then he needs to tell me about it and not just shut himself off. I know I need help and support and that’s where this group is good I think because I don’t want to talk to my friends and family about it all of the time. He is going to make a doctors appointment and I will probably go with him if I can and we can discuss all options that will work alongside CA. Thank you for your help I appreciate it xx

by

9 of 17 posts