Talk about your experiences with others.

Posts by thelostone

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16 posts in 10 threads

Breaking free of an addict - my story by

I've determined one thing - what I learned from being with an addict, I want to share with others, in the hope that helps others to break free, to see that they are not alone, to know that things can get better. Long story short, I found out my boyfriend was a crack addict about 5 months ago. Those 5 months seem like years now. I did it all - shout, scream, cry, follow him, challenge him, blame him.. beg... abandon him, try supporting him.. nothing.. NOTHING worked. His treatment of me got worse - and our relationship was destroyed by his use. You feel alone - so alone. My short journey left me suffering anxiety and stress, it ran me down until I was physically ill, my self-esteem fell to zero.. I stopped caring about myself and my own routine went out the window. I put myself into dangerous positions trying to track him down and confront the bastards supplying it to him and constantly contacting him with secret rings and texts. I was left with so much anger I felt I would kill. I would have panic attacks and nightmares and I was left with so much unresolved anger and issues... over his use and how he treated me and what he threw away. I was angry.. all the time. Last weekend, something happened... a small incident.. I tried to give him a personal gift (a portrait I had taken 4 days drawing), and he went off the radar (stopped answering calls, ignoring my texts, and then lying to me).. I was going out of my mind and could not stop sobbing. In absoutely desparation, I dropped to my knees by my bed and I PRAYED. Trust me, I am NOT a religious nut or even a believer in God, but I didn't know what else to do anymore. So I begged for strength to walk away from this man. I sobbed and sobbed and begged for help. The next day - something just ... broke inside me. In a good way. I suddenly just accepted it was over and that I was never going to change this man or his behaviour, or be able to ever trust him again. I accepted that we were never going to have the relationship we had.. he was never going to stop using from what I could see. I accepted that it was simply futile. He contacted me, and apologised as he has so many times before.. but suddenly, when you distance yourself from a situation, you see it so differently. I saw him differently. He is a junkie. And not a particularly nice person - not just because of the drugs. I reminded him that we are no longer together. I suddenly felt like a weight was removed from my shoulders. I felt like... myself again. Me. The happy me that is content with life. I felt whatever bond we had was broken - for good. I no longer had questions whizzing through my head, scenarios monopolosing my every thought, I no longer had anger burning inside me... I felt I could breath properly for the first time in months. Someone said to me 'He is your addiction' and this is SO TRUE for so many people loving an addict. I would count the days I hadn't seen him and try to break away.. I'd block him, unblock him, I'd be terrified to bump into him because I know I'd weaken.. or if he contacted me, I would go running to him. NOW? I haven't blocked him. He can contact me if he wants - or engineer a way to see me (as he has before) and I will be kind, and polite... but I will be firm. I don't need to pray for strength. I have peace of mind, I have no drama or stress, I have my self-respect back. He has been downright cruel to me at times, and I won't allow him to use crack as his excuse. I truly don't know what really happened for me, only to say 'something broke' (the final straw maybe).. but I finally feel free. I don't wait for the day he will sort himself out and come back to me clean - because the likelihood of that is pretty much zero. If you are loving an addict, I hope you find the strength to look after the most important person in your life - YOU. I hope this helps someone.

My husband died by

hello everyone, bluewidow I am so so sorry to read your story. The sense of loss and pain you must feel, being unable to reconcile things, and it ending as it did.. so sorry. My partner is a crack addict and as I try to break away, I read your words and know that could easily happen to him, and I will feel, like you, that it wasn't meant to end this way. But the sad reality is, it can - and does. As sober rational people we BELIEVE they will recover, they will come back to us, they will stop and everything will go back to as it was - and it's highly likely in a lot of cases, that just won't happen... ever. I've accepted that and it's making it easier to walk away. This is not my journey, it's his. And it was your husband's. I hope you come to terms with what happened - you are not alone, we are always here if you need to talk. Find some calm x

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broken but strong by

Hi Carly, my God what a complete nightmare for you. ;-( Just awful. My boyfriend is on crack.. (not sure what's worth)... but it takes its toll on us loving partners. I tried for ages to help my fella stop. Then one day I realised - this might not get better. He might not stop. He might not 'come to his senses'... and i stopped hanging around and working so hard to make it happen... because only he can make it happen. Like you, i am hoping one day he will come back to me the man he was.. was... because the drugs steals the person from you and leaves you with a ghost. You can't love a ghost. You deserve better. Please keep us updated. I hope things improve for you. x

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His cocaine and drink use by

Hi Again Upward! My God, I've just read your story. I feel so so sorry for you. You know my tale (partner on crack)... but even I can say he doesn't give me the level of abuse or heartache you seem to be sufferingh. (we don't live together (luckily). I am hoping that in the short space of time I've learn stuff, I can pass the following words to you: * You are not alone. There are thousands of us suffering because of the use of a loved one. You can always come on here. * My support worker told me one thing: "You are trying to apply rationality to an irrational situation, to an irrational person." (how many times have we been staggered at the reaction of the user, the nonsense they talk/things they do). I don't try to even argue with him anymore, or make sense of the bullshit he talks. It's all drug-driven, so let it go. Stop trying to reason with the mad man in the asylum. When he is using, cut off. Walk away. Refuse to engage. You are worth more than to have a ghost for a partner. Be calm and firm. You are in control of your emotions so don't surrend them to other people. Do not engage with him if he is abusive, swears, deflects responsibility to you, or wants money. If he cannot respect himself, he won't respect you.. but you can respect yourself. Start now. x * I've had 6 days without contact now. My God, as you wrote ... I feel I can breathe. I have calmness in my head. No drama, no heartache. No lies.. I have suffered anxiety and anger issues due to his use.. but it stops here for me. I'm worth more. * Users can/will make you feel worthless. They will blame YOU for their use, their weaknesses, their situation. Repeat one mantra to yourself. "NOT MY JOURNEY" We don't put the crap in their hands or drag them to the dens to buy it. You are a good person trying to help someone in the grip of drugs. You are worth something. Be kind, but be kind to yourself first. Because when they are using, they won't be kind to you. They won't give a sh*t about you. * Be firm. set yourself boundaries. DON'T (please please) enable him by paying him out of trouble in any way. If he doesn't have to face the consequences of his use, he will continue to do it. Start protecting yourself, your finances and your sanity. Please. * Set your own goals. If you set joint goals, trust me, you will be let down. I have learned to expect only disappointment from my boyfriend and so far, he hasn't let me down. Until your chap admits to himself he has a problem and gets help, it won't start the road to recovery. You are not trained for this, and you cannot pull him out of it. My boyfriend has been telling me for over a year now I am enough for him to stop smoking crack.. and then he uses. Then he apologises. Then he uses again.. then I am his saviour. It won't end until he gets help for himself and admits his addiction. Don't lose your own sanity. Don't lose your sense of self, and self worth. You can and will find the strength you need... and if you struggle, come talk to us. x

I just lost my brother by

Hi Curly, firstly, so sorry for your loss. My brother died of cancer (drink and smoking related cancer). This was not easy to watch and haunts me still. My partner is also addicted to crack, so I have learned a little about addiction. I hope what I write helps you. An addiction supercedes EVERYTHING else in an addict's life. Love, family, work, kids.. nothing will be more important to them when they are addicted. When you understand and accept this, you stop hurting and start healing.. you have to learn not to take a person's addiction personally.. it is not a reflection on you or your family. We all choose our paths and sadly, when an addict chooses theirs, they don't care who they hurt - the sense of shame and guilt they feel only makes them use more. No amount of blackmail, tears or threats will stop them (unless and until they decide themselves they want to beat it). You will heal over time and learn to accept it, I am sure. Sending you healing thoughts.

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Please help me by

I'm not an expert but firstly be assured you are not alone. You can always come online and find someone who will help, even if it's only just listen. You've taken the first step by getting help. Maybe taking 4 tablets at a time (any tablet) isn't so good, but you've acknowledged that this may be an issue for you. Don't be afraid to go back to your doctor. You know and have said you are taking them more for the relaxing feeling they give you and not for pain relief, so maybe ask your doctor for a mild sedative and reduce your pain killers to the recommended dose. Have a think about it. Also, PLEASE conside meditation. There are some great apps for phones and meditation is a BRILLIANT way to clear the mind and help you start to relax naturally. It teaches you that you are the important person in your own world and you have to look after yourself. Love yourself, be good to yourself and you will start to recover. I send you love and healing thoughts x