Cally, my ex did the same, but then decided to say he wasnt in love with me etc etc was totally feral and mean but then is hell bent on me trusting him again saying he will make me trust him. He did £700 a month at his peak. He was on it Friday night for sure as he had a blinder of a come down staying in bed and not answering his sons calls on Saturday. When he eventually surfaced he looked awful and was very rude to me. Sunday he apologised. He is actually snorting as we speak as alternate Tuesday’s he works in London and used to roll in on the morning train at 7am. He thinks I don’t know what he’s up to and claims he just gave it up! ???????????? We’ve all seen Julie Clark’s YouTube and know it can’t be true. If it is he should write a book himself and help all the people who actually do want to give up! He thinks he is driving the kids to school tomorrow. He so isn’t as I don’t trust him. This means he will be really rude to me tomorrow but I’ve decided I am not tolerating his bad behaviour. We’re getting divorced, so that’s it for me now.
Cally, we want to believe their lies. Gosh I so did, but what I always go back to is this. My man promised me the moon on a friggin stick! Actions speak louder than words. I was permanently disappointed. If you’re like me you will be questioning yourself, your attractiveness beating yourself up over this and that which they told you you had done, but the bottom line is this; none of this has the slightest thing to do with us. And unlike Danny (and Danny I think you are amazeballs by the way and wish my ex was as strong as you!) our men don’t want to change, or can’t change. To quote Mel Beattie, people ultimately do what they want to do. They feel and think what they want to do and do things they believe they need to do and will change only when they are ready. It doesn’t matter if they are wrong and we are. Right. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to and cooperate with getting better. In my case my ex just resented my efforts and resisted, he then redoubled his efforts, it felt, just to prove he won’t be controlled. He temporarily adapted to my demands but the moment I turned my back he reverted to his natural state of lying and drug taking. I think his bad behaviour towards me was because he wanted to punish me for making him somethingnhe doesn’t want to be. In my case a responsible father and husband. I’m not sure it’s just the cocaine for my ex, I think he had a life planned out which didn’t happen and he turned to it to feel better. He dreamed of being a musician or DJ and that’s what he is supposed to be doing. His 2 bed flats second bedroom is a studio, not a room for his sons. We had a studio, I built it for him with my inheritance for my Nan, but even that wasn’t enough. Maybe your ex and my ex can’t quit because they don’t want to. My ex definitely thinks he missed out on life, the cocaine has a hold of him, and the weed, that he smokes every day. He basically switches himself on and off with the two. He’s definitely addicted but I think my ex had some mental health issues before then. I found some strange notes etc when he left where he was sort of talking to himself. Some of it was heartbreaking, as to how he wanted to look after me and the boys but had wasted time on music, the latter stuff was awful, basically a list of all the reasons why he hated me.
Maybe your ex had some underlying issues too and that’s why he can’t quit?
But the point is, it isn’t actually anything too do with us at all, it’s all o do with them. Yes we get hurt, my kids got hurt, but it wasn’t anything that we did. They are their issues. Letting go is what we are supposed to do, because they cannot see our pain, they are too busy concentrating on their own. Easier said than done. I find it hard, very hard, but ultimately we only have control over ourselves. To get through all this I think we need to start concentrating on ourselves and let them do what they need to do.
Gosh, sorry for waffling!
But no, your ex hasn’t given up, and the only truth you probably have is that everything he says could be a lie. If you take that approach you can actually start seeing the funny side of the lies and other odd behaviours. I now chuckle to myself over little things. For example last week he told me spreadable butter was bad for me, to which I looked up, nodded and said, good to know… as he rolled a spliff in front of me whilst gurning cocaine styly. At least I know he’s not having trans fatty acids, he doesn’t want any of those floating around his system. Only nice clean skunk and cocaine with whatever junk it’s been cut with! We have to laugh or we will never stop crying over those lost dreams! Life will get better I am sure. And I am noticing my calm days now outweigh my bad days, and my relationship with my sons is absolutely amazing, we are extremely close, probably as a result of all we have been through.