Hey Kirst
Well done on putting the kids first, so many people dont and the damage it can cause is terrible later on in life – you sound like a good responsible mum.
From what you have written unfortunately it sounds like your partner is a full blown addict. The problem here is that sadly this is only going to get worse, not better unless he puts it down, tackles withdrawal and gets clean. That thought in itself terrifies most addicts – after all if it was easy everyone would do it. As you describe, many people can put it down but they can’t stay stopped. Often people will say ‘ why cant you stop’ but it isn’t that simple. Addiction is often 2 fold- physical and mental. Once that is handled you are then looking at living life in lifes terms – that is terrifying to the addict as there is nowhere to hide and no clue as to how to rectify the damage you have caused, especially to your family – that’s why it becomes so appealing to carry on using.
I dont like to give advice out as I never know what I would do in other peoples shoes, but do you have a safe place you can go with the kids if you needed to?
Also the Shame you mention… that’s not your shame, that’s his. That shame will prevent you getting help and keep the weight on your shoulders. It’s very easy to take that on when you are so close to someone who is in a mess.