When I know he is “on one” and I worry that I will be kept up all night dealing with the drama I feel I have to make a decision do I stay or do I leave and take myself out the situation. Last night I left and I am now fighting my gut which says I cannot do this anymore and my heart which says you love him you will be letting everyone down if you give up. It’s literally tearing me apart. I am lucky to have this safe place to come and when i get here I feel the weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can just be me. But I realise the chaos I am now bringing to the people I stay with because I have to just turn up – this annoyed my husband because he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be around but he also won’t listen to me when I tell him why. I feel such a burden on everyone including my husband. But I’m so tired of the drama and the anxiety. Being part of this group has made me realise I’m not mad, there are people like you going through a similar thing and that is making me realise that this cycle is never going to change unless I do something about it, not to fall for the kindness again when he is sober and to try to be strong and draw a line in the sand and not go back, so that everyone involved can try to heal. My husband has categorically told me he loves cocaine and I think to myself there isn’t room for cocaine and me in his life.
