Hello Harleyjane- your story of your son is my story with my son except that his is alcohol. You can read my story : Mother of Adult Alcoholic Son” a couple of weeks ago. I too, love, hate, and my son. It’s also down to just me as his support as he’s pushed all of his family away, it’s not something I really want. It’s exhausting. And he’s not really even talking to me that much. When he drinks, he lashes out at me and then I have to back off for a while. And yet, despite that- I still miss him! It’s craziness! Nothing I do or say changes anything. It’s so lonely where we are. People look at us and think, “Just get rid of them in your life!” I wish I could sometimes, but that would make me miserable too. I’ve lost the son I knew too. The grief is so painful. I can’t even look at pictures of him when he was younger- I just sob. When glimpses of my son come out, it’s so hard. You want to hope, but you know it just goes the same way it always does with him going back to alcohol.
I can’t even fathom that this could be how the rest of my life is, this pain. I thought you raised your kids, and sometimes it’s not easy, and then you have some peace and satisfaction later in life with them grown and living their own lives. At least that’s how it looks for many people I know and that makes me sad too.
Hopefully we can all support one another. xoxo