Dear Lindyloo and Jaynhissay,
Once again thanks for ‘ listening ‘ it really is helping having a place to vent.
I may come across as cynical, but I’m actually a real sweetheart and I used to have the most amazing sense of humour. People generally warm to me. Not so much the past couple of years, I am aiming to change this though.
I’ve been reading through the Theresa thread. What an amazing group of individuals. I am finding the thread cathartic in some ways, though frustrating too. The inclusions of humour and kindness are amazing and uplifting. The way everyone shows love and support to each other, honestly and without judgement gives me hope.
Cathartic as psychologically most of the scenarios mentioned my son has survived. I am a survivor too and accept that I am in it till the end. I will never abandon my son, but I need time for myself right now.
I do believe the strongest human bonds are genetic. Our children share their DNA with us. As mothers who carried and birthed them, we are forever connected. The link is strong and this is why we feel so much emotional pain. We are empathic towards them. When they go off as mature adults to a safe environment we experience feelings of joy when we are with them and we remain able, strong and helpful when we are needed. If our children reach and live life in their safe environment then they are able to help and support us when we become old, Ill or just can’t get up a ladder anymore, etc. etc. It’s a two way street. When things go wrong and in this instance drugs have taken them over, our brains become wired to their addictions. This is why we become anxious when, for example, let’s say it’s their “pay day”. Our flight or fight response kicks in and our brains are flooded with an overdose of adrenaline. Our brains are altered chemically, regularly; and in sync with our addict child. This is unnatural and eventually makes us very ill. I currently reside at this end of the spectrum. I hope none of you ever become this worn out.
Unfortunately I feel I have an insight into how dark addiction can become, even though I don’t use drugs myself. I fear my sons rock bottom has been and gone and now he has become his addiction and lives his life accordingly. Using isn’t a choice for him anymore. He is too far gone, his brain chemistry is altered too much. The professional support he requires is not available or should I say affordable.
My frustration comes from reliving the stories about the failures of the authorities. I have no faith in the councils, case workers, police or support workers. I have wasted so much of my time engaging and trusting them. Now I know from experience, I see what is really happening. Having lived the ways of the ‘system’ for years and the realisation of what is available against what should be available. It isn’t working for most addicts, whatever their addiction may be. The current system is complicated, deceptive, terrifying and exhausting.
Thanks for listening. I feel a bit better getting this out!
Ivy x