I do know that it’s hard to accept that they won’t change. I did tell him too that he needs to choose between the drugs and booze and us. He does tell me all the time how he wants us to be a proper family, he doesn’t want to lose us, we mean the world to him, etc. I must admit he did cut down. He told me that he’s been using it since his early twenties and he’s now getting closer to 40. He had periods when he was using every day even when he was at work – although this was 10 years ago. He kind of “manages” it now with having “only two lines every other week just to silence the cravings”. But unfortunately there are times when he can’t stop at them two lines and it becomes a whole night bender. He says he hates the drugs but the minute he has a drink the cravings get stronger. And boy can he drink when he is on drugs! 10-15 pints, some whisky and if there’s any other alcohol in the house, he will have a go at that too. Any drink we were given as a present before I used to hide in different places in the kitchen cup, in my wardrobe, in places I knew he would not look for.
Sometimes I wish I knew nothing about it. I wish I could erase it all from memory. Because when he is not using he is amazing. We don’t argue, he’s a great dad to our baby but the minute the cravings start, we don’t exist.
You mentioned self esteem. Well to be honest with you I feel like a piece of s**t. I feel like am not good enough, the drugs are always better. And now everyone is saying that it is my fault because I am never happy. How can I be happy when I know that it’s only lasting a couple weeks if that? How can I be happy and smile again when I can’t trust him and don’t believe half of the bulls**t he is telling me? He thinks am stupid and don’t see when he is on it, but I know the signs too well now.
When we went to counseling the guy was explaining a few things to us. Basically “Charley” (the coke) is his other girlfriend. He’s trying to have a three way relationship, with me where we plan for the future, we exercise together, go out for walks and with “her” when he is using.
I hope he gets his act together soon. He is beginning me to give him another chance until the end of the year as he wants to have Christmas with us, wants to celebrate baby’s first Christmas. I agreed but deep down I know the chance that he will actually stop is very slim. He lied to me too many times for me to believe anything he’s saying. But for baby’s sake I’m staying as agreed. I don’t want him to blame me later that I didn’t try with his dad.
Sorry if my writing is all over the place but there’s a lot going on, there’s a lot of pain and once I open up, it’s just flooding.