Jaynhissay, did you manage to suppress the cravings? I hope so. (This is the second time I’ve written this reply, the first post was rejected, I’m not sure if it’ll be posted or not, apologies for double messaging if it is, I didn’t want you to think I hadn’t replied). I’m sorry to hear that a girl you thought was yours isn’t. It’s not a drugs thing, but I totally get that feeling of wanting to better ourselves for others, that’s sometimes great motivation, sometimes it makes me put a lot of unnecessary extra pressure on myself. Personally, I try now just to do things for me.
Yes, his son gives him white and green, sometimes he cooks the white, it just depends what his son has managed to get. But the difference between his son and a dealer, his son will say no. I used to think it’s a bad thing, but I see positives in it now.
I’d like to say my bf suppresses his cravings, but I don’t believe he ever does not really. His body is really starting to suffer now, on the inside. He coughs a LOT, his teeth are in terrible shape and his body is riddled with inflamed lymph nodes/lumps and bumps. I do worry for his health, he won’t see a dr and even though sometimes he does cold turkey and talks about stopping, deep down I don’t know if he really wants to. He lives in this endless cycle, when he craves more and he actually has some money he’ll get on it hard. It’s at these times that he’s often told me he gets to the point where he’s had too much, like he’s eaten something and is full and just doesn’t want anymore. When that happens he starts training again, try’s actively to eat more, and buys it through his son because his son only gives him the minimum every day. He can stay that way for good amounts of time sometimes, until he’s bored of those other things. Sometimes I’ve seen him distract his mind doing things like cleaning, reading, weights, but for him I think it’s just his way to manage in the short term, until he’ll allow himself more. And he always does allow himself more. He’s killing himself, I do believe he knows that. I don’t know what will happen to him/us, I suspect something is on the cards, I try not to think about it because it’s out of my control. What can I do?!
Out of interest, when you’re off it and your mind starts to get clearer, how long is it before you feel natural feelings of good things, how long before the dopamine is naturally produced by your brain again? This is my worry, that my bfs brain is only capable of feeling good things synthetically, as he does. Do you feel like that? We all want to feel good about ourselves, I just wish sometimes that he’ll allow his body the chance to feel it naturally. Do you ever reach that point, does it get easier when you do? Sending love and care again, I really do hope you’re keeping in a good place, I know it must be exasperating at times, from someone who’s seeing the damage third hand, please be kind to yourself. Xx