It’s true what you are saying and it helped me reading your story and others and knowing I am not alone. I hate that I have to seek solace in this way but it truly helps writing it down and talking to others.
You are not ready to throw in the towel yet and I don’t think I am either. I tell myself I can’t because the girls wouldn’t see each other anymore and it would be upsetting for them but if there were no children I would probably still be here. I’ve never loved anyone as I love him and he is a good man when he is himself.
I have been blindsided recently that everything was ok even though I smelled a rat at times but honestly questioned my own sanity, you have evidently been down that path many times yourself.
He was messaging and calling me in the early hours saying he’d like to come home when he’s released from hospital if I’ll have him. I have no other choice anyway and didn’t tell him he wasn’t welcome in the first place but it’s his own guilt and let’s face it when you’re off your mind on drugs or alcohol you don’t know what’s been said or done.
Last year he was going through a ‘spell’ I was so angry at him and we happened to be going on a prearranged night out for my brothers birthday. There was several of us and plenty of wine and port flowing, I actually had a brilliant time with my family but I was still so angry at him. I had drunk to the point of not remembering ordering a taxi, I apparently argued with the driver about the price and I was in the front seat, my partner grabbed me out the taxi, I’d grabbed hold of the tariff reader cable in the scuffle and accidentally pulled it off, the driver called the police as he thought I was going to be assaulted and because of the damage, he had me on the pavement and I lashed out and broke his finger, I was arrested and locked up for the night. I have never even had a speeding ticket before. I received a conditional caution and was ordered to attend an alcohol awareness course. Can you imagine the irony of the situation. I was so deeply ashamed and still am even though I know it would never of happened if I had not been so angry and upset about him lying saying he was going to work and then sneaking home to get drunk. Now I don’t allow myself to get angry for my own self preservation as that negative emotion can have such a vast effect. It taught me though not to allow his behaviour to affect mine and have to see it as a valuable and extremely ironic lesson that when I shared people usually laugh at. Funny thing is Xmas eve he had the audacity to moan about his finger which is still crooked and somehow draw on my one and only humiliating drunk experience that I took as a lesson and to make me a better person.
I’m hoping for some normal in the next day or two at least having him home so the kids can feel things are as they should be.
Thank you, your words have really helped & I’m wishing for a new year miracle for us both.