“as I’m writing this I hate him. But later on I’ll start to feel sorry for him and then I’ll get angry with myself for being weak’ – I was exactly the same. We all feel like this because of an addict.
‘I hate the person I have become, I’m angry and anxious’ – this is all of us.
‘all I do is try to help him and all he does is throw it in my face.’ – that is all of us.
He’s near enough lost everything to this poison. NEAR ENOUGH. Trust me, until he loses everything, until he hits rock bottom, he won’t stop. Which is why you have to walk away. You DON’T need to support him. This is him guilt tripping you. You are NOT his mother. You are NOT responsible for him. Do not let him play on your kindness, it is extremely manipulative of him to say this (but that is what addicts are and what they do). How much lower can he go, stealing from his own family? Please, cut your losses. Start to make the break, because trust me, this will not get better, it is going to get a lot worse.
You need to get out darling, so you can find some headspace. As long as you are embroiled in his carnage, you will be suffering anger, anxiety, depression, sleep deprivation, mood swings and much more.
But I just want to assure you of this: everything you are, is as a result of an addict. We have all been through it, we have all been exactly what you’re describing. You are not imagining it or losing your mind.