Yes I know that feeling only too well. I often come home after awful days to him having already been drinking and then trying to hide it. It’s the constant vigilance that makes me feel so exhausted and I guess angry. I don’t want to give up on him either but like you I don’t want to look back and think of these as wasted years that I blame him for. I’ve already been doing this for nearly 3 years and I don’t think I want to make it 4. I’m not getting younger and I’m starting to feel that I’m missing out on things I should be doing like making a home (we have a house but it isn’t a home when I am having to hide my things or look out for hidden bottles) and a family before I’m too old
