The time has come to ask if you really want to pursue this relationship and go on to marry your partner. It’s time for a long, serious think about how you can both work together and save your relationship.
The difficulty is the immediate lack of trust – ‘marking’ the drinks in the alcohol cabinet because you desperately need to know how much the man in your life is really drinking.
It’s sad to read that your partner’s wife died because of alcohol and there is the likelihood that he will have been drinking when she was alive. Being skilled at keeping it all secret, he’ll be discussing his wife’s alcohol issues – rather than his own.
As time has passed – and gone unnoticed for a while – his drinking has progressed further.
Within that time frame, there will be the combination of him being less able to disguise the problem. You could say that he is now ‘losing that edge’ regarding his alcohol secrecy.
Above all else, the lack of trust will be the element that will ruin your relationship – more so than your partner’s alcohol problem.
Coming home everyday and finding yourself foraging through the wine and beer cabinets in a desperate quest to see how much your future husband has been tippling will take a toll on your own emotional well-being.
On top of that – in all honesty – your partner will be diving into that drinks cabinet, armed with cloth-in-hand trying to wipe away the evidence and re-draw those markings. Coupled with him getting frustrated at the thought of you not trusting him.
You are confronting your partner about his drinking and this is now leading to arguments, lack of trust, him feeling paranoid at being ‘spied on’ or monitored and you being burdened with the worry and insecurity of having to deal with this.
Your partner is doing very well to hold on to a good job and can be considered ‘high functioning’ with regard to his alcohol misuse. However. This will catch up with him and in time mistakes will be made, putting his career at risk.
High functioning alcoholics may exist.
However. Sometimes, people are just brilliant at ‘covering things up’ and ‘blagging their way’ through any indiscretions.
It’s only fair to accept that your partner is no doubt brilliant at his job. However – one way or another – the drinking will insidiously catch up with him and have repercussions at work.
At the moment, he’s likely to still be ‘on top’ of things.
Every time you check that cupboard and either take note, mark the bottles, or count the cans in the waste bin – that trust will be replaced with paranoia. Even if the evidence says he hasn’t touched a drop whilst you are not there, you’ll still be questioning it.
When you confront your partner to either ask how many drinks he’s had today or comment each time he’s had an alcoholic drink, there’ll be another argument.
Your partner now needs to face the truth and accept the reality of his situation.
Giving replies such as ….”Would you rather be with a cheat?”….Translates as merely another excuse to detract from (and justify) the drinking. A problem that needs to be faced.
You’ve sensibly decided that you don’t want to marry an alcoholic. Put it a more positive phrase….You want to marry a man who is willing to accept his problem and get it sorted….
In all fairness, you obviously see many good points that indicate you want to save this relationship, have a family life and are concerned for your partner.
It’s going to be difficult. The man in your life must accept he has an issue with alcohol that could spiral out of control.
There is the option of giving him that ultimatum….”Give up drinking or I’ll go……” Although you may have nowhere else to go, there’s a big part of you that wants to stay and fight for this relationship.
Your partner’s drinking may have started much earlier when he was with his wife. Although his wife passed away as a result of alcohol, the chances are your partner will have become more dependent on alcohol.
There’s the likelihood that your partner may still be grieving for his wife and the drinking will somehow be compensating for this. If anything. This could be the foundation of his alcohol dependence.
It may be worth considering bereavement counselling to explore this area, so it’s worth discussing with him. You may want to consider ‘couples therapy’ which may help you both explore ways of dealing with this together – and providing further encouragement for your partner.
(Of course….Covid-19 and lockdowns/restrictions may create difficulties for the time being. We are all hoping for an end to this……)
Approaching him on the subject of bereavement counselling may be a more beneficial discussion for you both, rather than the single approach of asking him to seek help for the drinking.
On the subject of the alcohol consumption, your partner will need to seek help for this – whether it be from his local doctor, counsellor or joining a group (such as meetings or group therapy).
You want to continue with this relationship because you know the positive aspects of your partner and want to live together as a family.
The success of your future together may depend upon your partner finally letting go of his past.