Thank you for asking Dre. Funnily enough, I’ve had a challenging couple of days. My partner has sent me a few texts, one at 5.40am. He said he loves me and that he has little or no chance of surviving without me. He said he never understood until I was gone. He said he was writing me a letter, but kept breaking down because he knows the pain he’s caused me and is sorry and ashamed. Basically, he said all the things a broken hearted person wants their partner to say. The problem is, I’ve heard it all before. If I had a pound for every sorry in text or letter, I wouldn’t feel quite as worthless as he made me feel. The only thing he texted that seemed in anyway different was saying he knew I wasn’t going to accept words or promised, only the truth and action.
A hand delivered letter arrived yesterday. He is on medication but admits he is still using. He is waiting for his rehab place. He wants to honour his promises to me. It was mostly reminiscing about good times we spent together, but one single line was enough to send me off the rails. He wrote
‘I am mystified as to what went wrong.’
I became so angry I broke down, and nearly ripped the letter up. Maybe it was a throwaway comment he wrote without thought… but really? If he cannot see what went wrong. I wanted to call him, text him, write him… vent my anger. I didn’t. I sat and cried (in frustration and anger) and I typed a reply to a silent, unjudging audience so I could explain ‘WHAT WENT WRONG’… so I could get it all out. I may post it somewhere one day, or even send it to him one day in the future, who knows. I just had to get it all out. So I remain steadfast in my vow not to contact him and never to give him another opportunity to abuse me.
I could block him, but aside from seeming cruel, this also means I am just blocking out the problem because I’m not strong enough to deal with it. Which doesn’t solve the problem that I very likely will bump into him at any point. So I felt disinclined to block him. I wanted to know if/when he went into rehab, because in my heart I know he is a tortured man, and I want to know he goes rehab and tries.. for himself.
Hope it’s ok to offload today. Thanks for listening.