Hi Posie,
I’m sorry to hear your story and all the others recently. So good to hear Danman is on week 4, makes me feel hopefull!
My ex would have the excuse late evening to go to the shop for cigarettes or ‘get something from the car’…
I could see the signs straight away, he would want to shower earlier than normal and then when in the bathroom, the shower would be running for ages before he got in. I could hear him sniffing from outside the door. Then after his shower I would find tiny bits left on the toilet seat (it was degrading to check like that!…but I needed confirmation that I wasn’t going mad if that makes sense). The blatant sneaking around and then lying to my face when I confronted him would kill me, this was the only thing he ever lied to me about in our whole relationship, it felt like an affair, like he was cheating on me and hiding it all the time. Then came the Jekyll and Hyde moments….it completely broke me as I was the only person who received the emotional abuse and he was so good at being passive aggressive whenever our daughter was around.
I made the awful decision to move out with our daughter back in November. It broke my heart to do it but for my mental health and her well-being it had to be done. I can still tell by his moods he is still using (never when he sees her). He has never admitted a problem and makes out it has always been in my head and twists it all back to me.
When I left and was packing I found so many wraps in an old jacket of his, it shocked me to see how bad things had gotten and how much he had hidden but was almost like a sign I needed to make me go, there is nothing I can do to fix him, no matter how much I wish I could, I just end up helping him to carry on.
You should know, this was his second chance, we broke up two years ago for the same thing and after swearing he was clean, 2 months in he was using again. I tried with him for a few more months to encourage him to get help (he so badly needs it) but he kept refusing and said he can fix himself and I should accept him like that and trust he can change but how can you trust that when he kept lying to hide the problem.
Lockdown has made it all a million times harder for so many people. I stayed too long willing him to get better for us and feeling utter guilt at the idea of leaving during this pandemic but it only got worse and in the end something just snapped in me one day and that was it, I had to go.
I truly wish you and anyone else who reads this forum the strength needed to get through and find peace in your life again. It is one of the hardest things to love an addict. You are already a strong and amazing person for getting this far.