Ivy, I have just read your post and want to tell you what an amazing human you are to have stayed as strong as you have and to have been so selfless in the love for your son and trying helping him out when his life is such chaos.
Also holding down a job in icu right now is a medal worthy thing in itself.
But you are right to step back and to put yourself first , alien and as torture as it is.
Are you able to access any therapy for yourself? any counselling where you can let off steam and talk to someone? or cbt to help you change your thoughts and feelings to get through this?
I have started a course of cbt with the aim to get on top of the stress and anxiety i feel from my sons situation, to try and find a way to love him from a distance and still be able to have some sort of happiness in my life.
The cbt is through my dr on nhs..im not sure what is available in scotland but i would like to think there is something for you.
i really think though putting yourself first is the best thing you can do, if and when your son does seek help to recover you need to be there for him.
Im pretty certain the stress ive been under compromised my health which is why my covid was so bad and im still unable to walk very far.
Do you have any other support other than on here?
There are other support grps whereby you can chat to people, this wld help you offload and feel supported. i dont know what else adfam have to offer but drugfam have a daily helpline you can call whenever and numerous support grps on zoom etc.
You are going through so much, try to reach out to friends, i know youv’e said you have stopped socialising and in covid times its difficult, but you deserve a life and most people i have spoken to have been so supportive.
remind yourself your son is an adult and there is only so much you can do, i have to remind myself of that, I have to detach from the sweet child whos pictures are on all my walls, it is so hard though.
But your are amazing Ivy to go through what you have and still hold done your job and all you do. Keep strong. xxx