Oh darling Coco, don’t be so hard on yourself, it really pains me to hear you this way, it’s only natural to re-live things a little the year after, the seasons don’t help that. I don’t think you lack drive at all. Last year was so tough, the baby, splitting from your partner and his addiction. Firstly, there’s nothing wrong with you. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and you are a good person.
And yes, he’s getting clean now, but that trust thing, it doesn’t come overnight. My boyfriend has been all over the place lately, he’s upped his use, but is assuring me he’s massively cutting back. He said he had some yesterday, but that’s it for the whole week. Do I believe him?! He said he’s managing to stay away from it, he’s told me he’s going to check in a lot more with me this week, prove me wrong. He and I are together, but that trust thing takes a long time I think.
Let’s see how the week goes. He and I joked earlier, by Friday will I say “I told you so” to him?! He says not. He seems pretty determined about that. I’m both excited and terrified either way.
Honestly, don’t be too hard on yourself. Even the happiest of people can find ways to be unhappy if they look for them, so don’t look for them. Take pleasure in the simple things in life, the good things around you.
I only have positive things to work for because I’ve had time to plan to do so. Do you think I bounced back from any of those things immediately, no way. There’s been times in my life when I’ve forced myself to get out of bed at a certain time, force myself to start a new but very basic routine, forced myself to phone friends and just listen about their lives and force myself not to speak about my own. I have many coping mechanisms, like the worst of us. Sometimes I didn’t cry enough, sometimes I could do nothing but cry. We are all human, life can be tough at times.
I know good things will come, you may not know what they are yet, but they will happen xx