Cocaine is the devil. Almost 40 years ago, my husband was an occasional user. No big deal he thought as everybody else where he worked was using it. We were together about 10 years and just bought our first house, pregnant with out first. It took ahold of him. I didn’t know what was happening, but I did certainly feel things shift. I was so happy that I was pregnant, and then things were just off. He was different, but I couldn’t figure it out. Gone so much of the time, irritable, distracted, not affectionate, not happy. I thought that eventually he would just tell me what was wrong. Maybe his job. I don’t know. So, I stayed busy took care of him and our kids. He became so awful at times, and didn’t seem to care about anything. This went on/off for about 5 years, until the day that I opened the bank statement. He confessed to the drugs and stopped the cocaine right then. I was devastated. Why did this happen to us? Things got better and I forgot. We never even talked about it again until a few years ago when I suspected that he cheated on me during those years. He denied it, but then again a year ago this was in front of me again. He confessed. What? Devastated again. Why? We weren’t even fighting. I love him, always there for him. I’m not even sure what really happened. The world that I lived everyday with him, wasn’t even reality. I remember cuddling up to his back while he slept wondering what was happening. He has traumatized me with this – and, I suspect he has traumatized himself. He isn’t the man that I fell in love with in the beginning, during those 5 years, or now. He is three different versions of that man. The giving, caring, loving man that I first met didn’t come all the way back to me after he quit the cocaine. Parts of him can’t. He did things that he still can’t even look at – this comes between him and I. He feels that if he shows me the total truth, then I’m gone. Will I be? I don’t know. I didn’t deserve any of this, neither did our children – or, even himself. It’s not easy being married to someone who hides. Thing is, the cocaine version of him – wasn’t him. He says he was the same guy, but he wasn’t. He was selfish, arrogant, mean, careless, cold, lonely, scared, etc. Last year, it felt like it ran over me all over again. Just violently knocked me right over. For months I was a mess, so hard not to cry only to realize that I was crying. After a year of trying to process it all and remembering it all with this new knowledge that he was cheating – it has been so overwhelming. I’m sure that we would not still be together now had I known about this back then. I couldn’t have handled all of it then. It’s too much. All these years later, it’s a different conversation then the one that we would have had then. There probably would not have been a conversation – I would have just left – quietly. I would have found a way to get away from him to save our kids and myself. But, what would have happened to him had I left – this scares me so much. The last 35 years or so have been very happy years. He has come back to me the best that he could. He admitted to two incidents when he relapsed. 6 months after he quit and then just a couple of years ago. That is incredible. I’m proud of him for that. But, so scared about the recent relapse. I love him – always. I want to forget about all of it again and move forward – leave it behind. It haunts me everyday. Some moments are better than others. I can’t look at the old photos from those years. I have chosen and he has chosen not to talk about it. I don’t want to live everyday with it. I feel blessed that we survived it as I know that so many haven’t. God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
