sorry to hear what you are going through asadmum, sadly most us know what you are going through.
I totally get you blaming yourself as I did too, but ive got to a place where i realise i did not in any of my parenting cause him to be an addict.
Its not a parents responsibility to see and act on any eventuality especially when he would have kept alot of it secret, how cld u possibly have known.
see if you can get some support for you externally lots of local drug and alcohol services offer support and counselling etc to families going through what we go through. just having an outlet to share what you are going through.
I had counselling through a local service which helped…yes it doesnt wave a magic wand but it will help with your own mental state.
ive also had alot of support through drugfam who have a hotline you can call to speak to someone.
also through those services you can find out about support for your son, although your son will have to reach the point he does want to engage first.
I was also terrified of my son and his unpredictable ways and ended up telling him to leave.
you have to have boundaries and even though we went through yrs of hell before i did so i do believe it has been the right decision.
my son has been clean so far for 3 mnths although still is unpredictable with his mood swings but we are getting somewhere.
just hold on in there and put your own mental state first when you can.
i wish i cld say more positive words and advice but seriously just remind yourself you did not create this problem you can offer solutions but until he wants to engage ……just put yourself first .
Take care