Hi Louisa,
So sorry to read what you are going through and sad that you don’t have anyone to talk with who would understand.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We have trained people called Family Friends who are experienced in listening and supporting people like yourself to find a way through this. If you contact the Trust you would be assigned a Family Friend who you could talk to in complete confidence.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps Good luck.