I feel better for coming across these posts
As in I’m not alone thank god
So hi my story is this
Together for quite a few years
He suffers with depression anxiety p t s d
From child hood trauma
Lots of health problems
Anyway
I met him he was amazing
Fun
Built like a protector
I felt safe
I felt happy
We had a child
He was an amazing father
He cooked
He cleaned
He loved doing things
The list goes on
Then one day I arrive home to find him doing drugs in the house
He had lost weight and I kept saying to a few friends do you think he has cancer I was crying every day he looked so ill
He would get up and not wash or have food straight out the door all day long stop working just out all day and then lies saying he broke down in his car or he fell a sleep round a friends house so many things happened to him the list is long
I fell for it all
I got him in the doctors for blood tests
I was worried sick
Turns out he was bang on hard drugs
As rewind to me coming home finding him doing them
I threw him out straight away
He went to a hostel
He said he would get help and change
So few weeks later I took him back
Because I did not want to break my family up
And I loved him with every part of me
He did change for a while
Few months later bang on it again
He broke down and said he needed help
And he wanted to die
So of course I stuck with hi. And got him help
We moved home to get away from people
And things were going good
And then one day I was making the bed and found something that had come out of his pocket as he started to sleep in his clothes ready to get out the house quicker so I threw him out he went to stay with a friend
And went to a help centre and went on medication that I watch him take daily
He hasn’t gone back he looks better has weight on him but … he has now replaced the addiction with drink he drinks all day every day and takes painnkilllers and smokes weed
I finally had enough of him not working anymore not doing anything with me or the kids not helping me around the house him not looking after himself anymore his angry he can be nasty with his words he has no respect for me he just uses me for money that I threw him out finally I don’t know how I did but I did
And he now has his own flat
And I feel so guilty
I feel like I have abandoned him
I feel like the worse person
I don’t know whether I’m going to find him dead or alive every day my anxiety is sky home
I go to work and I feel better as I’m not thinking about him
Then night time comes and I don’t know if he is ok and taking his tablets
He treats me like an emotional punchbag
And I can’t take seeing him
I can’t take talking to him
I can’t speaking to him
But I have to
For the kids sake
I have to check he is ok
As I don’t want this kids to loose there dad
I am trying so hard
I agree with everything he says to save the stress and worry and angry
I have no life
He can’t let go off me
He says it’s my fault he has turned out the way he has
He says I’m a bad person for making him leave the family home but he dose not see that he made me do it with his behaviours
I hate my self
I hate him for doing this to our family
We had it all