Dear Esta,
you could probably understand me and give me some encouragement as it is really not enough that i am trying to talk to myself.
So; he was hanging up on me lately whenever i mentioned what he did to me and although he says he is sorry; and he never wanted to hurt me; but he says that he wont say something different what i would like to hear; and i said how i want to feel that he cares about me and he really feels sorrow. Instead; while being with his friend he says that he does care, but he wont show the sorrow as he felt living 18 months in misery with me since i tried to turn him into someone he thinks he is not although he asked me so many times to better his life and thanked me for the life we built. Now when i dumped him (as he says), he feels that i gave him life of misery by enabling things for him and not letting him to be in control. To mention that we spoke so many times about these things and were giving each other love and saying we shall work things out; but he knew what will hurt me and although he said he did it under influence and he would never do it with clear conceious ; i start to believe that he did it in purpose to prove me how he feels great without me controlling things and how he wants to feel the power. Guess who he always calls to talk to and discuss solutions ? – ME.
He has guts to say that i made his life miserable by actually standing and supporting him even in bad decisions but i had faith.
I am crushed. I wrote him an email about it how it hurts to hear that he calls our adventures life miserable in front of a few of his friends; but when he speaks to me he says that he was happy and that he is trying to point fingers into me to be that person who suggested him to go to treatements and patiently waited to build things together. His response to my email is that he does not know what to say but it is killing him to be without me; but then he says that he never said that he can not live without me and that he misses his independence to be alone; but when it comes to leave the house he asks me how can i ask him to leave when he has no place to go.
I just can not win and i am not trying. I am even saying to stay until he finds something as i really feel bad to leave him on the street although i know he will find his way – he is a survivor.
Any suggestion for me how i handle these comments of him telling people how i made his life miserable but when with me alone he says that he was very happy but upset that i dumped him and how he wanted to get out of this relationship a long time ago as he was not able to do things he wanted to do as an addict.
All these treatments….for nothing and he says he will go into recovery and puts all the blame on me how i behave crazy when he actually hangs up the phone and then i stopped answering his calls since i did not want to feel disrespected anymore. I am a communicator; but i became very stressed out not knowing how to respond to his manipulation as this is my first time and i only thought he wanted better life and he proved me with treatments and i was happy seeing that he started having things under his own control as i only wanted a partner and not to control anyone’s unpredictable behaviors. But it is all my fault.
Please advise. I really hurt and i know that we were happy until the point when he had to reduce it and stop and once the chance was out of my site and out of treatment – the bad decisions happened.
Thank you.
Mshurt