Ivy, like you, I did too much for my son for many years.
In the beginning, I thought it was just partying in his youth, then I thought it was a phase, then I began to appeal to him to watch it and I assumed he’d listen to me like he always did. And I kept helping because I thought ‘surely his mother’s love will fix him and he’ll come around”. His sisters started telling me he had a problem and I said he was just depressed and that’s why he drinks. And the problem continued on. I’m sorry to say that it took me 6-8 years to see the problem for what it is. I wasn’t necessarily ignorant, it was just truly a long process to see that it was serious. I dug in harder and tried to talk, and love him through it. It’s taken me this long to realize that I have no control at all over his problem- I didn’t cause it and I can’t fix it- such a hard realization. I still fight the urge to dive in and rescue, but I know that it doesn’t help him and it hurts me for a long while.
I’m trying very hard to be there with loving words, but preserve myself as best as I can.