Hi Pauline, I’m from Ireland too and I work in a hospital. You can get those free counselling sessions under the employee assistance programme. A few of my colleagues have used it in the past for a variety of reasons and found it really helpful.
I totally get the going into different chemists thing. It’s a lot harder to get them here than the U.K. also since the new laws a few years back. They’re hidden behind counters and you must nearly plead your case as to why you need them and beg in some pharmacies. It used to frustrate me no end until I realised it was people like myself they were trying to protect. Unfortunately it’s not enough as when you want those pills, you’ll get them! I used be so happy when they believed my story. It was an awful way to live.
Don’t be hard on yourself for going back on them. It’s so easy to trick your mind into thinking you can control your usage. One time I tried to give up a few years ago and I thought I could take them as a treat on a Saturday night like some people drink( I don’t drink at all). Sure obviously I couldn’t. Once I took some I wanted more. They lure you in so quickly and your in this cycle where you feel awful without them so you keep taking them.
I took them for 6 years. I’ve had bloods done and they’re all perfect. Luckily I didn’t do any long term physical damage which I’m very grateful for as I know it could have been so different. Maybe to ease those fears, you could book a routine blood test appointment when you feel ready?
You seem so determined so I know you’ll do this. You know your triggers. You know you can’t take them and control your usage so you’re more prepared this time. Definitely try and find a morning routine that gives you a structure with no pills involved. Be kind to yourself also as you’ve had a lot going on this past while.
Best of luck Pauline. If you need any support, talk to us x